I'm Sorry

I recently met up with an old friend.  A dear friend with whom I had parted ways.  No reason beyond life and distance but Facebook being the friend finder it can be, reunited us.  To say it was lovely is an understatement.  We are kinda in love with each other.  Not in a sexual way, in a wanna be your bestie kind of way.  I think we hugged 7-8 times in 24 hours.  I am not a huge hugger.  The only reason I didn't curl up in her bed and stay up chatting was because I snore much like a logger.  I didn't want to do that to her. 

What I noticed almost immediately with my friend was her need to apologize to me, a lot.  For everything, and anything.  Whether it was a story being told in the wrong order of time, or a bump into each other in the kitchen, or maybe not having salt out.  "Oh sorry", was said a lot.

In listening to her talk, (we never shut up for 18 hours), she said the words "I am sorry" hundreds of times.  Hundreds.

Her story isn't an easy one to hear.  We've all had our life battles, mine wasn't easy and neither was hers.  Sometimes during her story I found myself stunned silent.  And then she would apologize for that.  I kept telling her that keeping the story straight, in the right order, didn't matter and not to apologize. That I would ask if I couldn't get it straight.

I had a friend who told me to stop apologizing in the last year or so.  A friend and I were falling apart and I was grasping for help, for anyone to listen, to guide me, to save me and then I would feel guilty and bad and I would apologize.  She told me I would never be truly happy until I stopped needing to say I was sorry for things I said or did.  I had to stop apologizing for my existence.

And there I sat watching someone I loved, apologize not just for content or actions, for basically anything.  She had become timid and quiet.  Reserved.  Now I get that we are adults now.  When I knew her we were in our early 30s, late 20s.  We are both now married, she has a daughter, I my step kids.  Life is different but the apologies, they hurt me every time she said one.  I now know why, I've figured it out because, as you know, I am a genius that way.

During the tumultuous time in her life she learned that saying sorry was easier than a fight.  To fight kept the tension going, kept the fight alive.  Beating someone who is apologizing isn't as fun as beating someone who's screaming "I'm sorry".  I am not saying she was beaten, not at all.  I am saying she learned how to stop a fight by not engaging, by being the fall guy, the person to blame.

What I further learned was, in repeating the words "I am sorry" you feel sorry. You can't change that unless you are a sociopath and don't feel what you say.  Saying sorry makes you feel sorry.  And with that comes guilt, shame, and a feeling of not being good enough in that moment so you apologize for it.  You degrade yourself each time you say you are sorry as an auto response from a traumatic past. You are harming yourself.

Now I am not saying not to say sorry when you are being an ass or when you've made a legitimate mistake eg: bumping into someone, a Canadian favorite, "sorry eh".  But what I am saying is, if you are an auto apologizer, you need to stop every time you go to say it and ensure there is something to be legitimately sorry for. 

Make sure when you say sorry you have something to be sorry for or else you are doing yourself self harm and you know our motto around here;

Be Kind to Yourself.