SPRITZ

Whoopi Goldberg called it with the Poise commercial, (see URL below for your enjoyment UGH!), women "spritz".  I hated this ad when it came out.  Oh lord, I would lose my shizzle when it came on.  We women don't need to talk about this.  Keep this shit private.  This is no one's business.  You will find what you need at the pharmacy and it's probably labeled well enough you don't even need the pharmacist.  And I am pretty sure there is nothing you can do about it thus making it a necessity, therefore why advertise?  If you are pissing your pants, in all likelihood a girls gonna buy something to help.  The universe and those people at Poise never had to burden us with the Whoopster.

Whoopie goes Spritz

Things change.  Dramatically.

I am here to say....can't do it.

Okay this girl is going to admit....damn it!

I peed. *head low*

Whew, there I said it.  I peed.

This morning as I drove home with my coffee in my freezing car and my teeth chattering I sneeze coughed (the popular compilation of  both) and basically wet myself. 

DAMN IT this is embarrassing. 

It's happened before but I was hanging upside down drunk having fallen off my porch deck.  I was being held upside down  by a thread when my husband arrived out of nowhere at 2am and rescued me before I fell to my certain death.  At the time falling to my death seem too funny to bear, or maybe it was because my bladder was upside down, either way, I had to change the undies.  Not the pants, I haven't gotten that carried away yet.

I have a friend who always sneezes in threes and they're ridiculous sneezes FYI.  High pitch squeaks like it's coming out her ears in a cartoon so it's no surprise by the 3rd sneeze she always has her legs crossed squealing, "I pee when I sneeze, I pee when I sneeze".  I'd pee too if the only two holes that weren't clenched shut allowing air to escape were my ears and my whoo haw.  Only dogs can hear this sneeze.  I have laughed at this for YEARS!  Until this morning.  Damn her.   Karma is such a bitch, she always pays it forward.  My squeaker said it was from having babies.  She never told me it happens with menopause. 

If you print this picture you can have the children that ruined your bladder colour it in and stuff.

Apparently during menopause everything stops working or starts acting wonky.  Your uterus turns itself inside out.  Your ability to fight back wrinkles goes away (it's why Botox was invented and why women are willing to shoot poison into their face = menopause).  Hot flashes start and CANNOT be controlled.  For the record, they are not properly labeled as "power surges", you bunch of power surging assholes.  If this is a power surge then I am a nuclear reactor and I need my own cooling tower.  Oh and you might become a little testier than normal.  I just stayed the course.
 

Is that a turkey up her.....that might be taking "cool down" a little too literally for me.

What also makes this female journey into senior womanhood so enjoyable???  We get to pee our pants randomly.

Sneezed = pee.
Jesus that was funny = pee.
Coughed = pee.
Go for a brisk walk/run = pee.
Oh, and my personal favorite.  Just stood up = pee.

Fuck you mother nature, fuck you. 

Hey Adam, well played you miserable asshole, well played.  Like defiling Eve wasn't enough for you?  Like monthly periods weren't enough for you?  You work out a deal with Mother Nature that includes peeing ourselves later in life?  Your a gem Adam, a gem.

Hello, my name is Nicolle and I randomly wet myself.  I've been clean and dry for 20 minutes.  And yes I find this as embarrassing as you do, just thought I'd Whoopie it up today and share.  Start a healthy chat about peeing our pants.  What a way to start a Monday.

Ohhh I get it, if I slap this woman my symptoms will go away right????

 

Praise be.