Yup he's asleep, in his chair, in this position, all 100 pounds of him.
Who's gorgeous? Well thank you, I am.
I know we all love our dogs. I know some of us, more than others, are crazy. I didn't know what true love really was until I got this dog. My husband knows it, I admit it to him often. "Honey I love you, I do. I trust you, I would walk through fire for you but the dog, it's different. The dog needs me, needs me to do things for him he cannot do. He loves me whether I do them or I don't, he loves me cause I am his Mommy". My husbands reply is always, "don't feed him for a day, see who he loves then". Cynical ass.
Everyone naps with their kids right? He's a lap dog, can't you see it?
I don't have kids, not ones I bore and had since birth. I am a step mom to two beautiful kids who have a full set of parents, I am just the added bonus adult in their world. And I love them, with all my heart I do, but I also know, and I make sure everyone knows I know, that they have a Mom who loves them very much. I need all involved in this tricky situation of divorce and new spouse that I respect and revere the roles the parents play, and the one I play. Therefore, I only know that kind of love, a child/parent love, with my dog. I met him almost from birth, and have loved him ever since. He is my child, my furry child my Mother says. She always asks, "how's my furry grandson?". Sorry, I keep saying my dog, it's "our" dog. My husband says he owns him too. Yeah, cause that would stand up in court. "Excuse me sir, when's the last time you spent 5 hours grooming the dog". And custody is awarded too...... Now now, I am getting all worked up when today, I have no plans at all to leave the man I married. He's doing well in this little class we call husbandry today.
See he's human. Told you. There he is, standing on two feet, checking shit out.
Riley was chosen from a perfect litter of amazing wee pups that I loved from the second I saw them. In the amazingly clean, lovely, open home of the breeder who's kitchen was turned into a Mommy and puppy room. I swear it was like a puppy nursery. I could tell instantly how much the breeders loved their dogs and their dogs them. Then they handed me this handy helpful tips book all about the breed and taking home a puppy. They created it over the years for all their new owners. Talk about the perfect place to get a dog from! At the time I was dating my hubby so I allowed him to come with me to meet the puppies and pick one. (Haha - "allowed him". I crack myself up. I needed Dan to be part of it, I already knew I was going to marry him, I knew the minute he told me he loved me. So picking a dog together was our first big "couple" move). I knew I wanted a boy dog. I knew one bitch in the house at a time was best for the future groom. Dan knew he wanted a big dog. Portuguese water dog was the smallest he said he wanted. We both wanted a breed that didn't shed much, less allergies to deal with. I had house sat for people who owned a male Briard. I wanted a big boy like their Mister Smithers. He was, like they say about Briards, a giant heart wrapped in fur. Riley was easy to pick out for me anyways. He was a little smaller than the rest and kept tripping over himself, falling down, rolling around. Not a bloody care in the world that he looked like a drunken sailor. When we found each other lying under their dining room table at the same time, nose to nose, and he fell over for no particular reason and I started to laugh with tears welling up in my eyes, I knew. That was MY drunken sailor dog. And Dan piped up with "Riley" almost immediately and it fit. Wham, we got ourselves a dog. CKC name Wotarukus All Riled Up, aka Riley.
Yep, you're mine, I'm yours.
Life with Riley has pretty much always been a joy. You can't say owning a dog is easy or perfect, you just can't. It's a perfect form of unconditional love, yes, but it's not always perfect. There are times they won't listen. "Seriously dog, it's three more steps, COME HERE!". Insert bubble over dog's head here; "Ahhh No sir-eee bitch, isn't this clear yet, I am not listening, na-na-na, I can't hearrrrr yoooouuu" *wags tail to ensure cuteness factor high*. Some times they will misbehave. Bubble again please, "I most certainly did not know that sandwich was meant for you. You left it, right there, on the coffee table. I can reach that, you know that. How could I not think it was for me? Duhhhh". And at times they will piss you off. Bubble please; "Seriously, why aren't you listening to me. I said I want to play, NOW. Not later. RIGHT NOW. No. Did you seriously say NO? Well here then, how'd that little herding nip feel? Made ya look, made ya talk. I don't care how loud it is, you are paying attention to moi, therefore, I WIN human, I WIN. How you humans survive as a race is beyond us dogs?" But you will always love them.
Head shot bitches. This dude's model ready.
The thing about my Briard, and just my Briard is....well wait, let me clarify first. Don't be getting all "this is the standard for all Briards". Mine is unique, one of a kind, special, exemplary, spectacular...well you get the drift. He was raised perfectly, as he deserved. Therefore he is one of a kind. Sometimes the breeder says silly things like "that's a Briard for you" or "such a Briard". What the heck does she know anyways, she's only had....well, a lot, of them, forever and ever? Either or, statistics be damned, I am talking about MY Briard. He is hysterical. My husband and I laugh every single day because of this dog, never just once a day, often.
You've got a little something on your face, no, not there, over there, no there.
The older this dog gets, the more stubborn, the more obstinate, the more dramatic and the more vocal, he gets. He pretty much puts sentences together now telling us when he refuses to do something he knows we are asking for, just doesn't wanna but wants to stay cute so wags his tail the whole time. "Look at me defying you but I am so cute, you will just suck it up".
My dog hates to get wet. His feet, first and foremost. It was a fantastic feature to see him jump, (leap over in a single bound), a puddle as a pup. And that was that. All puddles, dirty, muddy, or clean, every dog for themselves fun, were not his friend. Awesome as he is just a wee hairy to be muddy. But at night when the dew is on the ground and I say "time for bed, let's have a hurry up" he will stand at the edge of the grass after placing one paw ever so gently on it and stare at me, tail wagging. You can almost read his mind. He is saying, "no thanks, aren't I cute, let's skip the wet grass and go to bed, I will be okay, I am good with holding it as long as I need to until the grass, dries". And he will. The next mid morning, afternoon even, depending on his highness's schedule he will pee for so long he has to change the lifted leg midway through as his up leg gets too tired to hold up that long. I've seen him have the right leg up, the left leg up, then put them both down and squat like a girl he's held it so long. I could read a good magazine while I wait. Don't get me wrong, I could raise my voice and give the "NOW" command and he would break into song and dance if I asked this way. He is very obedient. It's just that I figure why get mad at him, he knows the drill, the schedule, the words, what's gonna happen and he has a choice. No really, he's a dog.
Oh yeah, that's right you just read an entire paragraph on my dog urinating. Who's the silly one now? I promise, there will be no talk of poop.
Riley has started several new odd little behaviours in the last 3 years and they are as follows:
1) He speaks full dog language, which we are trying to learn, and basically he never stops talking. Morning, noon, night and even, 3,4,5 am for NO reason at all. No need to go out, just standing at the side of my bed looking at me, tail wagging, talking away like Chewbacca on Star Wars. We go out, he does nothing but lie down and admire the stars. He just didn't want to sleep and thought I should join him.
This is how his highness requests dinner. Right up in one's face, tail a waggin', basically asking for din din, he is talking as you can tell.
2) He began smiling when he is happy to see someone or you tell him he might see someone soon. "You know who's coming to see you, Emma. Emma's coming to see you". This one gets him the best. Just by telling him she's coming he starts smiling he's so happy. He will smile and launch up so his front paws are on my shoulders and he smiles, and kisses, smiles and kisses. It's a full on, frontal teeth baring but it's for happy purposes. It's ridiculous and everyone loves it. He makes everyone he loves laugh hysterically. When the cleaning lady comes, he runs down the hall to greet her and I know the minute he smiles as she starts laughing hysterically saying "and I'm happy to see you too Riley Roo".
He just woke up = tongue out AND he was happy to see a favorite guest.
3) When he sleeps or even is just tired really, his tongue no longer fits in his mouth. Normally it does, when he is tired it literally falls out of his mouth. And if he is tired enough you can call his name, he will lift his head and look you in the eye with his drooping sleepy eyes with at least an inch worth of tongue sticking straight out at you.
Your honor, I ask to submit this picture as evidence piece number 1.
Numero 2.
And 3.
"Yeah I am awake...NOW. Yes it fits, I just don't care to put it back in my mouth, deal with it. Okay I said it already, I AM UP!".
Today I was in the kitchen baking with my IPod playing, loud. When 'Like a Virgin' came on the radio I just happened to be on my hands and knees.... ( speaking of dogs, you dirty dogs, the husband isn't even home!). Like I was saying, I was wiping the floor and I started to sing, at the top of my lungs. The dog for no apparent reason, as my voice is delightful, bolted from a side lie to an upright sit and stared at me, an inch of his tongue sticking out at me. As everyone would do in this situation I began the *crawls across the stage move* that most professional singers such as myself use in their choreography. When I reached the dog, nose to nose, he let out one huge assed bark and flopped back down to the side lie position. It was clearly a "STOP THAT NOISE". I laughed so hard ma' belly hurt. Which of course made him start pawing and talking to me more. When I laugh too hard he thinks its him that's made a funny and he will flop to the side lie position and start pawing and growling, then roll onto his back, paw at the air, growl, etc. Once I stop laughing, he usually stops too. I know its because he knows the English human language and gets the joke. The only reason he doesn't speak the human English language is out of choice. I am sure of it. He is that smart. One day he is gonna say, "it's 9am lady, let's get the breakfast procedures underway shall we?". I wonder if he will actually have a French accent? Oh that and the porn bill I got from Amazon was not my husband but the dog, I am sure of it. Least I hope so or the hubby and I need to talk about a place for him to go, like now, for up to 90 days. When the cats away...... the dog looks up porn.
"What's this lap dog thing you speak of, me thinky me likey. Ready Mom, here I come!"
I am not kidding when I say this dog talks. Ask a friend of mine who babysits him. She walked past him shirtless once getting dressed and he smiled as he does when he sees people he loves, then he sneezed while talking. It literally sounded like he laughed a human laugh at her. I feel bad, I am not sure she's over it yet. It was 3 years ago. I have asked him to apologize, he smiles and laughs at me. What can ya' do? Kids today.
"OMG that's hilarious. HILARIOUS. Oh. Can't. Stop. Laughing. Stop, please make it stop."
I don't want to spend hours and hours talking about my dog. Tons of people hate that shit. Mind you they hate when you talk about your kids too. Oh that's right, cause they are usually bitter old nags with no prospects of either. *giggle*.
This whole story was basically to tell you about my Madonna dog moment today. One big "shut the hell up woman, trying to sleep here" moment makes a girls day so much more bright! Well that and fresh baked goodies.
Have a good one peeps and remember, if you can't say anything nice, shut the fuck up already, the dog speaks enough for both of us.
Testicles, one two three.
ReplyDeleteOMG you ARE HILARIOUS. As you knew full well the word "testicles" would make me mental. Thanks for the med increase. xo
ReplyDelete