Baggage (you know you got it)

I always knew I had a past, a history, shit in my life.  I knew what it was and how it played out in my life.  See I am smart.  I know shit.  What I didn't know was how it was controlling me.  I learned that in a course, Landmark, about a year ago.  Then more even still in an MBSR course for pain sufferers (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) taken recently.  All of the sudden all the "wrongs" people had done to me became instantly heavier than the minute before.  And in that minute I suddenly realized how much power I gave those "wrongs".  I did that.  All these people and interactions over the years, piled one a top the other.  Anyone who hurt my feelings, disappointed me, wronged me, they did but just "one thing".  Just "one action".   And that one thing, no matter how bad, was still one action.  Whether it was a raised voice, raised hand, insult, joke, assumption, judgement, it was still, only just one action. 

I THEN I took that, re-designed myself to accommodate carrying it, (that new piece of baggage).   There I was trudging through life carrying piles of shitty new luggage I never asked for in the first place!  One piled a top the next.  I was actively participating in making one action more important than the last.  They were getting fucking heavier, each time.  This made each more devastating, more hurtful, than the last.  I was harder on myself, and harder on them for it.  Imagine being the 17th person to have said something wrong to me.  You got the reaction warranted for 17 different actions.  You did one thing and one thing only and I reacted like you did all 17!  Because each time something happened I strapped it onto my back and carried it.  By the time you piled your shit on I was fucking tired.  And can this girl react!!!   Not only am I bi polar but I am going through peri menopause so, the earth actually stops moving around when I react.  It's scared to move.  The earth doesn't want to piss this girl off.

 

 

This is ON me, I actively participated in this.  Even if it was bad as you hit me or you cheated on me.  If I take that with me into my next interaction with someone, I am forever changing that interaction and every one after it.  I am giving your action the power to change my world and everyone I come in contact with.  You were an ass (big whoop).  There I go strapping that shit onto my back like I'm a fucking Sherpa.  You on the other hand likely walked away like nothing happened.  (I am aware in some cases the person doing the action has feelings too.  That's just not the point of this story.  It's all about me.  I am surprised you didn't get the memo). 

I am not saying hitting me, or being mean to me is right.  I am saying once you realize how much you are carrying around there are people you are going to actually want to apologize too.  To say "holy shit I have just realized how much I over reacted to what you did because I've never let go of all my own shit.  Basically I took all my own shit and when you did your ONE thing to me, I threw all  my shit back at you.  So even though you may have been wrong, I still owe you an apology for that.  My reaction to your action wasn't justified, wasn't equal or proportional at all".  In that moment, if you can put your ego aside and not say "but they, but they" and say "sorry" the peace that comes with it in that moment is lovely.  Who cares what they did, own what YOU DID.  You can't make them do anything, you can't make them change, you don't even have a right to ask them too.  If they want to be bad people and suck, that's their choice.  You can still own what you did. 

I did what the above said, I did the apologizing and it felt great.  I called my Mom and Dad. These are both people that I don't always get along with.  Who through their divorce dragged me along with it and my self esteem.  Who maybe didn't know how to raise kids, (but did their best I can now see).  I called each and said "holy fuck I have blamed my whole life on you and I am so sorry".  I no longer feel the pain of them.  Sure they can get on my nerves sometimes but I am not walking around saying "I am not loved or lovable because 31 years ago......"  "Listen up gurl (gurl being me, I am talking to myself) 31 years ago they got divorced and handled it in a shitty manner now move the fuck on!"  You can tell a person this a thousand times and they will resent you for it every one of them.  And then one day it might just slap them in the face what an injustice they are doing to themselves by carrying all this shit around. 

There were a couple of people in the last 12-24 months who I always thought would be my friend. I had done so many things for them, how could they not.  Well some shit happened, it was directed at me or so I thought and I put that shit on like a suit of armor.  I went from being a great person (who went out of her way for both, and I did, by choice) to a piece of shit no one could love (because they, acted like assholes).  By the way, I didn't change whatsoever.  Same girl, before, and after.  All they did was act like an ass and I took that in.  I took it in and added to my parents divorce, the guy who looked at me funny on the street, the lady in the office who yelled at me and that one teacher who.....and I reacted.  I over reacted.  I reacted like a nuclear reactor on high alert.  It was fucking bad.  And I needed to take ownership of it.  And I did that by apologizing.  You can't hit a person with shit then say "my bad" and hope it's okay, may not always work that way.  Not every one's gonna jump up and down and say thanks so much, were so pleased you are here in your life now like my parents did. Some will, some won't.  Says much to relationship itself to be honest. Each of the two I mentioned above basically told me to go fuck myself.  They disregarded the action of my apology as inauthentic which hurt, but I got over it.  We always do.

I can't lie about this stuff.  It's not easy.  Once the course and teachings wore off and life started kicking me in the taco again I reverted back and went on the attack.  People were misbehaving where I was concerned!  You may always fall back into old patterns of "why me, what did I do, I did this for you and this, why don't you love me, you're an asshole, did you know that?"  You can only hope that you jump out of that pity party hole faster than the last time.  That you suddenly find yourself saying why do I feel so heavy, weighed down by life, sad.  Oh right, I just piled every one's shit back on my own shoulders.  FUCK!  That's not being very loving and/or kind to myself now is it?   First it's heavy and I have a bad back and secondly, shit smells.

And you start over again.  I wouldn't suggest apologizing again, you can't keep doing that over and over if people don't want it.  And it can take it's toll on your own self worth to always be saying "I'm sorry" especially if people don't react, give back.  Now you move onto acceptance.  This is what I learned in the more recent MBSR course.  "It is, what it is".  And we added "while it is".   Don't look back, don't look forward too far (that's stressful stuff way out there years ahead).  Stay in the moment, let it pass, everything does.

It's kind of like just accepting an asshole's an asshole.  Once you do that it's not hard to say "hmmmm not sure I want an asshole around".  Can you turn an asshole into anything but an asshole?  No you cannot.  A duck is a duck.  If it walks, swims, flies, and looks like a duck, 9 times out of 10 (probably more) it's gonna quack like a duck too.  So just accept it, it's a duck.  Don't strap that duck on (unless you're into that kinky stuff).  Just move on past the duck if you don't prefer ducks. 

And life becomes so much easier when you start to do this.  Rinse repeat. 

There's been an action.
You've had your apocalyptic reaction.
You've apologized.
You've accepted, it is what it is.
Now you move on. 

Doesn't sound so hard now does it?  Well it is harder than it sounds because it's human nature to want others to know what you know, others not to be hurt, others to care about you, to love you, to not believe bad things about you but if you just accept, "it is what it is".  Life becomes, lighter.  So your next reaction, hopefully it is half of what it was before.  Those apocalyptic reactions take a lot out of a girl.  Adds wrinkles!  And besides that, it's a complete and utter waste of your time.

And you have to give yourself that little bit of credit.  Come on now, you can do it.  "Hey there you, well done on learning from the last nuclear reaction, this one, only atomic, well done gurl, well done!"  Being observant of things you are learning and crediting yourself is really good for the ego.  Especially when you are feeding your own ego, and you are not looking for someone else to do it.  Ego's are very fragile, don't be throwing it out there to be fucked with.  Treasure it and feed it with goodness inside of you where it's safe.  It's a tricky little bastard that ego is.  Always throwing itself out there to defend you, react for you.  Keep it tucked in all safe where it can stop overreacting to shit.

Now what you have hopefully also learned are you own personal limits.  What made you give so much this was able to hit so hard?  Why you gave too much of yourself to another?  Remember, that ego is fragile, keep it safe.  Why did you just throw it out there all willy nilly like?  How rude.  Are you insecure?  Do you over give all the time so someone says the words "you're the best"?  And maybe if enough of them say it you might believe it?  If you've dropped your baggage off at the check in line, you won't need it quite so much but to be safe;

Why would they? It's nice to always be given shit.

 

 

A taker is not a bad person per say.  They are just receiving what you are offering.  Maybe it makes their day, week, month, life, minute easier so they grab and go.  And if you are a giver and are doing it for no other reason than to give, that's great.  But if you are waiting for positive affirmation from anyone other than yourself, you risk your ego, your pride, and we start from the top and work our way back down to now.  So maybe to be kinder to yourself you give a little less, in safer situations where you are not risking any part of "self".  Think about it. 

Here's an example:

 

Giving a homeless person a quarter feels good.  Give them a sandwich, feels great.  Give them a house and you're gonna feel fantastic.  But let's say they then trash that house never having thanked you for it in the first place.  Maybe they are bad homeless people or maybe in the throws of an addiction and don't know how to be good.  You've gone and done all this good and they are completely unable and ill equipped to do anything but ruin it. 

 

If you only gave to give and nothing more, you'll be fine.

If the ulterior motive was to feel good about yourself through them.....that's a risk YOU took with your own ego.  Don't blame the homeless guy who isn't equipped to do shit for you.  That's hardly fair. 

There is this whole positive thinking, Law of Attraction thing going around.  I believe in it.  I believe if you start the day of happy, in all likelihood it will end that way.  I believe if you do right by people, the world will do right by you.  But that's the catch, do right.  You cannot start the day off with a smile and a happy thought as you kick the neighbours cat.  Nor can you run around preaching you live a positive life as the cat secretly sits in the corner quietly licking the wounds you inflicted upon it.  You have to actually behave positively in life to have positive results.  You must be a good person to yourself and others, and that makes you a real, honest to goodness, what now????   Right, a good person. 

Today's lesson in short is this; 

You have baggage, we all do.  Do not let it dictate who you care for, how you behave, how you react, how you value yourself.  And be kind, to yourself.  If you are kind to yourself you won't need anyone else to do it for you.  You will never risk giving yourself to those that are not worthy if you care about yourself.  And you will in turn be treated the way you deserve to be treated.  You will have value if you value yourself.  And be good, to yourself and others.  If you are good, you are good.  End of story. 

Well not quite the end.  I do have to say no cats were hurt in the creation of this gem of wisdom and if you are going around secretly kicking cats you're a real asshole and I don't even like cats.

 

Okay I like this cat.