Friends. They do come and go. It's life.

When we were young, we questioned why friends walked away but we didn’t seem to care much.  Least my step daughter doesn’t seem too.  One day A is her best friend, the next it’s B.  Then another C, then back to the original A.  It’s like her favorite colours.  I have had 3 in my lifetime, she had 3 yesterday.  Why can’t we, or I, as an adult woman, recognize we aren’t a fit or a match anymore and just move on?  Because I, as a woman, an adult woman, rely too much on others to define my importance, my impact, my worth.  And I, have got to stop doing that!  LIKE NOW! 

I am writing these things in case you find yourself in the same position and want company.  I am good that way. 

 



 I tend to make generosity a sport.  I know the friends who say, "no, too much".  Or my bestie, "I just want Nic time".  It makes me swoon.

I’ve had some pretty serious friend changes in the last few years.  First of all I finally started to open my heart to people, period.  So that makes for different friendships, with people I’ve been friends with for a long time or new friends. I never let anyone in before.  Only to a few.  If you have seen me sob more than once, you know that I, in that moment, loved you wide openly and likely I just watched Steel Magnolia’s while eating a bucket of Death by Chocolate ice cream.   Remember that time when….

I even went and made new friends with some women up north where I now live.  Some country folk.  I don’t mean that to sound like it does.  It sounds like they are one step from Duck Dynasty but they are not.  I think I own the most camouflage gear in this area (15 year old son).   Well unless you count the time we actually went to a Ducks Unlimited fundraiser.  Uncle Sye, Si, Sie, Sey (that old fart) was there.  I shit you not, he was.  And somehow I found myself drawn to him and bidding on anything he wanted.  I went redneck faster than Sarah Palin on the first day of hunting’ season, bikini and all.

You have to understand that basically at 17 years old I went into, and therefore I came from a world of, women in $2,000 dollar suits, shoes, purses and then jewels to feed a family for a year.  And why did we do that?  For the other women!!!!  When I wanted to impress a guy on the trading floor I wore $20 wool skirts so short they should have been shorts, a man’s button down, too unbuttoned down and boots I could have bought at the Dollar store for all they cared.  The money look was for the women.  Show them what I got, who I was, what I was made of.  And they did it too.  In fact if you are still “there” you know you do it too!  There was actually a time a woman regretted telling me where she shopped because then I shopped there.  She started returning things I bought.  I was like, “girl email me at 6am, and I won’t wear it”.  Who cares?  I was pleased that I actually had the same taste as this gal, she had some fine taste in clothes. But her, not so much, she was mad that I could own the same thing as her.  I can only account that to her wondering, “Who Wore is Best?”  Just like every gossip rag today has, a “Who wore it better?” section, where women compete to look the best.  Guess what Joan Rivers, passing judgement here, it ain’t you.  And gurl, you need to stay away from anything with heat, I think your face could melt. 

I personally find losing friends not only hard on my ego, but embarrassing, sad, and traumatic.  I don’t go through this process easily.  And it’s the range of emotions.  When you know it’s for the best you are confident in that moment, that you’ve made the right call.  There’s no heart or ego in that decision, that’s all brain.  But then comes the heart, it catches up not too long after.  The heart feels and remembers all the good things and times you shared with the person and it makes it painful, suddenly you start aching.  Now you regret letting them go.  You tell them.  You’re now hurting so you say as much.  You tell them that too.  So let’s summarize this all up: 

1)      You have told them to go, it is best. 

2)      Then you’ve said you regret it. 

3)      Then you hurt because you let them go. 

4)      And if you are anything like me, the vulnerability of it all makes you lash out.  At who?  Why the friend of course.  

And if you are me, you’ve done all this in writing.  UGH!

Can you see how this might become a little bothersome for the friend?  Imagine being on the end of doing all this = em-bare-assed.  I think it is spelled this way because a bare ass is embarrassing. 

Here’s my solution.  Remove your ego from every interaction you can.  Be honest, be authentic, be true to yourself and don’t make a single decision based on ego.    Ego comes from an honest place, birth. 

Hey you, the girl who hates “be authentic”, just cause Oprah said it you don’t have to hate on it.  Let’s call it, “Being Real”.  Like a housewife of the Hills of Beverly.

As a newborn we come out of a place of warmth and protection where a person’s job (the momma growing us) is to feed us 24/7, grow us, keep us safe.  When we come out to the world we are in most cases handed right to that same person, feed us 24/7, help us grow, keep us safe.  Try to imagine this, you are warm fuzzy and sound asleep in bed.  Suddenly the covers are ripped off you and the room is freezing. WTF?  The sheet is wrapped so tight you think you might never get out, then someone is grabbing you by your noodle and yanking you into the brightest lights you’ve ever seen.  WTF?  Now some person is trying to slap you’re your ass (won’t be the only time trust me).  WTF?  As your eyes start to focus you realize you are hanging upside down in a giants hands.  WTF?  And you are passed back to….”oh…momma.  Yay!  I recognize that smell, that warmth, oh food, yay!  I like you lady”.  Warmth, cold, warmth.   WTF was that all about?  That was just cruel.  But now, now everything is okay. *whew…that was close, almost didn’t make it through that trauma*

Wanna prove the above theory of how active baby’s minds are at birth?  Sit in front of a baby with the baby’s mom or dad.  Have the mom cry, baby cries.  Have the mom laugh, baby laughs.  LINKED.  The baby has no insecurities yet.  The baby’s ego is intact.  The baby is whole with that momma there.  There is no need for this baby to have to defend itself.

Somewhere along the lines of life we have an interaction and momma (just as example) isn’t there, we fend for ourselves.  Slowly, interaction after interaction as we grow in age our parents are behind the scenes there protecting us, stepping back, letting us handle these by ourselves with less and less hands on care.  And not because they don’t care, but because they need us to learn.  This is all about our self-worth and growth as a person.  If the parent does the job right they support us and tell us that we are special, and we are loved.  We might not always be right they say, sometimes even wrong, and that has nothing to do with how special we are, how much we are loved.  This is called the learning curve of life.  Growing pains.  Reality.  And she can be one ugly bitch when she wants too.

This is where adopted kids get screwed if you ask me.  There is a medical, chemical connection that gets broken in the adoption process.  That warmth we get as a child from inside momma then handed directly to her, it’s gone.  I am sure as a baby we know it.  We have a fracture already in our development of our self-worth.  Ego repairs what?  Self-worth.  Many adopted kids are insecure.  We hope in the adoption process they get so much love and confidence from being “chosen” by parents that they repair the damage, but I am not sure that’s possible.  It’s like breaking a bone, it can heal, but the break is always there, under x-ray. 

Sometimes kids are inside a marital divorce.  In this situation maybe they’ve had parents slowing letting their kids interact with others and let them have some growing pains, preparing them for reality.  Maybe up to now, some of those interactions didn’t go so well but that fragile ego, it’s not come out to play yet.  When you have a child inside of a divorce there is not a chance in hells half acre that a child will never say, “What did I do wrong?”  They will think it, they are thinking it, and they said it to someone.  This is their first and biggest foray into the issue of ego.  They are sure they are the reason this divorce is happening and 9 times out of 10 parents forget to spend the bulk of their time fixing that, making sure they don’t think that.  As a parent involved in a divorce your number one job is to remind the children nothing but a marriage broke.  A family still exists after divorce.  Two parents still exist after a divorce.  All that should break, is the marriage.

But why, why doesn’t this happen?  Why aren’t kids reassured and taught this during divorce?  Because you cannot split a relationship without your own ego saying, “Why wasn’t I enough?”  That then becomes so all-consuming that you let your defeated ego take over your actions and reactions, and let your children down.  It happens, that’s life sometimes.  Don’t let this realization take you down further, just try to do some more work on it.  Remember your kids come first, you made them, and you break ‘em, you bought ‘em.  Do you put your happiness aside for them entirely?  No, because a happy person makes a happier parent.  But you adjust your life so that your goals for happiness are geared to ensure happier children.  It’s your job.  If you don’t want the job girls, close up those legs.  And boys, keep it in your pants unless it’s bagged up tighter than a ….. well, tight

Most people who insecurities and fragile egos have come from traumatic childhoods and are either total asshats, emotional basket cases, or over compensators.  I am all the above depending on the day.  I hope the new meds help with this because it is like living in that 8 ball answer ball.  Shake one minute, yes, shake the next no, maybe….rinse repeat.

 It's not an easy lesson either, it hurts.  More often than not, both of you.

 

I was going to go on and on and tell you the stories of all my friend issues but I don’t have any friend issues.  I have finally let go of the toxic people I have been begging myself and them to forgive when the friendship toxicity started at their end.  Remember with this bi polar.  I have been half in hiding for years.  I know my limits, I know that my reactions are going to take their toll so I don’t go looking for shit.  I am generous of spirit and mind, and many other ways.  I am the first to want to be there, to help, to love.  Therefore I am the first to hurt.  When the bi polar comes in to play, its impulse control.  I can’t sometimes control what goes back, what my reaction will be.  Only with my kids, my husband.  That’s it for control.  Every bit of my energy goes into ensuring that everything I do with them, everything I do for them, every feeling I have is reasonable and full of love and patience.  I cannot afford to give that away, even to friends sometimes.  The funny part is, the closest of my friends, don’t pull on my resources, neither really does my husband and his kids.  I adore them and adoring them is easy because they value you me.  And I don’t need them to, they just do.  It is this balance, being valued without needing that makes life very special, easier, and fuller.

 All they do is love me.  It's all I have ever wanted.

I’ve said this in writings before.  Stop carrying around so much baggage.  Here goes again, all you bitches, get all your shit, pack it up into a roller suitcase, put it beside you and take one step forward and see what happens.  Remember what’s in the luggage at first, because you will need to ensure it’s all there, it’s in check, and you remember your Ps and Qs when thinking of it.  Then soon enough you won’t need to work and manage your luggage and life with it, soon you will consider leaving it there, walking away entirely.  Remember, the line ahead of you of your own making might just clear right up the second you “forget the luggage” and you take that first step into a new and improved life.  Stop falling all over your fucking luggage man.