This was poignant to me before this past week, now, I just can't....
Well I can, cause it's me, I never shut the hell up.
I have been very vocal and "out there" battling the demons that rose inside me in regards to two long term friends I had that in the past year who let me down, painfully so. My Bi Polar was settling into my mind and soul alongside Menopause. It wasn't pretty. I have raged, cried, and been to some very dark places. It was scary in fact. I couldn't handle the self loathing it brought up.
This past week I spent in a room full of strangers taking a course in Mindful Based Stress Reduction for Chronic Pain Sufferers. Now Chronic Pain ranges from the body, the mind, even the soul. There were people who's bodies were letting them down with Fibromyalgia. Some using walkers or wheelchairs due to various diseases ranging from MS through to osteoporosis so bad their spines were disintegrating. Then there were us back pain sufferers who couldn't find a comfortable position if our lives depended on it. All of us talking herniated discs, leg pain, numb legs, phantom legs hurting more than those we could feel.
The class was led by the revered Dr. Jackie Gardiner Nix. Who studied in anaesthesiology for her medical doctorate. Then went on to private practise only to see so many people in pain who began saying things like, "I danced the night away at my wedding, then suffered for weeks later". How did a person in such pain dance the night away? They put their pain aside. Left it, over there, and motored on. But then, in doing so, hurt themselves. Could we harness that ability, that mind control, to give pain sufferers some relief. She studied and studied and studied only to realize that through meditation it was proven we could relax our bodies so much that the pain drifted off. It's still there, it never leaves, but we put it aside to relax.
Part of the studies of meditation are a bunch of philosophies that also help. Help a person with body pain, mind pain, soul pain. Even those with OCD and ADHD, unable to settle their minds without medication, found themselves able to quiet their minds through meditation. People suffering from severe depression due to childhood trauma able to embrace themselves and their past, to no longer judge themselves so negatively that they cannot see past it. Who stop looking to others to fulfill what they cannot find in themselves. They find some peace, even if only in those moments lost in breathing, breathing in, breathing out.
These aren't the specific rules from Dr. J's (that's what I call her, we're homies now) book.
One word resonates from above, one word. Can you guess which word? Quiz time.
Judge.
We judge every day. We think we judge others more than we could ever judge ourselves, we don't. Least I don't. I judge myself in a negative way hundreds of times a day. Whether it's a look in a mirror or a frustration over my pain, my weight, my age, my my my.....my oh my, it's not good, and I never noticed. When so many of you say "stop, you're doing too much". "Don't you think this might be too much?". "Are you taking on too much?". There is NO WAY I will accept I have limitations I thought. I can do anything. I CAN! What I just learned is that I can do everything, with kindness, loving kindness, without judgement of myself. And that might mean less, or maybe the same amount with help, or breaks. I don't have to put myself aside for you, or anyone else, not if I care for myself. Not if I love myself. If I actually cared about myself I wouldn't hurt myself this way.
Now back to the start of this tale. I have lashed out at two people who hurt me so. Had I loved myself enough, I would not have felt the need to make you feel as bad as I felt. Had I loved myself, I wouldn't have let your actions, or my perception of them, to hurt me. Had I loved myself, I would never have found myself wanting to beg your forgiveness for my lashing and reacting. I would have just accepted, "it is, what it is, while it is". Had I loved myself I would have let you go a long time ago, without anger, without judgement, without regret.
Now don't get all up in my bid'ness. This girl will not be looking in the mirror daily and saying "I love myself" over and over like Stuart Smalley. I will NOT become so kind that a man smoking with a dog in the car won't be called an ass, loudly and without shame. I will continue to judge those in media because frankly it's funny as shit. I am hilarious after all, they're my staple. But here's what I am going to do. I am going to be kinder to myself one way or another each and every single day because more of us need to.
As for those two I leave behind. I hope you find your authentic selves because only in doing that shall you find yourself in a place where you can receive such gifts as the ones a person like me offered and do it justice in receiving and giving love in return. I wish you that. I couldn't have done this one week ago. I was very lost in the emotion of it all, very lost in the self loathing of it all. I am found.
Hey, I found myself!!! I didn't even know I was lost. That's in large part due to the copious amounts of alcohol and drugs I consumed for so long. You'd get lost too. I am lucky I remember my name, it's still Nicolle right???
It's a new chapter bitches!
P.S. I am Bi Polar so give it a minute, things could change. I'm kinda' awesome that way.
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