Friday, June 17, 2016

Drier than the desert down there

In 2014 I had a hysterectomy removing my uterus, my ovaries and my cervix.  As a result I went into immediate menopause.  

Yes, male people, I am talking about this.  Because I need to.  Women need to talk about this shit more not less.  Okay yes, we need to talk about all our stuff, all the time, but you should be used to this by now no?

Menopause means basically means that I now gain weight by simply looking at food.  I just looked at a mini M&Ms bag and gained half a pound.  Now when I look in the mirror I see only this stomach split down the middle by a ragged scar from navel to pubic bone.  Each side sagging just a little as my skin ages.  It only serves to remind me that my reproductive times have passed.  I am 46 so I think the parts would have fallen out by now but still.  No one needs constant reminding.

I have hot flashes that make my skin feel like it's on fire.  Sometimes it's just in my face and it flushes so red that people ask me if I am okay.  My face becomes hot to the touch, like it's actually burning from the inside out.  Sometimes the hot flash attacks my entire body.  I can feel every single pore heat up, individually, one by one. I can feel them heat up and then break into a sweat.  It makes me feel nauseous sometimes it's so overwhelming.  My head spins a little as the heat climbs from my toes to my head.  

I am a bigger girl.  When a hot flash comes and my face gets red and I sweat uncontrollably, there's nothing pretty about it. There it is, that negative self talk.  How must this big sweaty girl look to the outside world? I imagine, "oh look, the fat girl over did it.  Poor thing, look at her."  I don't think people see that I am not winded, or over doing it.  I am just standing there.  It comes out of nowhere.  I exercise every other day religiously (mostly to help with these flashes) and I can sweat less on the treadmill at a light run than just standing in line at the grocery store.  

My sleep has always been erratic at best.  I had my first sleep study in my 30s.  But with menopause?  When I go to sleep, which I can only do now with medication, I am usually awake within 3 hours.  Often when I get an hour or two of solid sleep time, my body decides that is far too much and wakes me up with a hot flash.  I wake up soaked, head to toe.  Simply drenched.  So much so that when I get up to change my pyjamas I can see the cartoon outline of my body in the sheets in sweat.  I do laundry every day basically.  

My bed now has two comforters on it.  One for me, one for my husband.  I throw mine off every other minute all night long.  When you sweat it's because your body is trying to cool you down from being too hot.  *throws comforter on the floor*  Then, when the hot flash passes, you are basically damp all over and you get a chill.  *angrily rips comforter off the floor*.  I used to do this with only the one comforter shared between my husband and I.  End result?  Two matching comforters.  It was cheaper than divorce.  

I have to have a portable fan with me, basically everywhere. I can only keep the house so cold before everyone complains.  It's not uncommon for me to look over at my husband and find him curled under a blanket (or 3), in his winter ski jacket, and toque.  I won't change the temperature though because he has more clothes.  I can only remove so many layers of clothing and skin.  It's become very obvious that only the dog and I like it colder than 20 degrees celsius (68 fahrenheit).  At Christmas time, with company requiring a higher temperature (they are guests after all), the fireplace going, the candles lit and the oven on, I basically sit outside in the snow....in my underwear.  

I don't know if it's because of the surgery or just the menopause but I now urinate a bit for the following reasons:

- coughing.
- sneezing.
- running.
- aerobics of any kind really.
- stretching too far (or reaching for anything).
- laughing.
- crying.
- sitting.
- standing.
- and my favourite, for doing nothing...at all.

The fact that we go from needing Tampons and feminine napkins monthly, to Poise and Depends all the time, is one sick fucking joke and I am NOT laughing.

But the best symptom of menopause?   The drying up of one's vagina.  There are fucking tumbleweeds rolling around down there.  I wet piss myself all day long but when I want to have sex, nothing.  I could make out with George Clooney for half a day, but when the time comes, nothing.  

"Hang on a sec' George". 

*opens nightstand drawer*  
*grabs lube*  
*snaps cap open*  
*squirt*  
*rub*

"Okay, I am feeling sexy now, let's do this".

I am sure over time I will adjust and feel like a woman again but right now, I just want to bitch my face off as menopause apparently deems it so.  

*sigh*

*piddles*

DAMN IT. 

















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