Maybe historically I have been a bitch of a hard ass. I was going to correct that to "bit" of a hard ass, but let's be real, it's more honest the way it was mistakenly written in the first place. When, back in the day, I was an asshole (4 swear words, 3 sentences...that has got to be a record, has to be!) my idea of doing something nice was not killing someone. I gave money back then. If you called me or came to my home. I gave you a headache worthy rant. If you hit me up at the office. I was generous. In fact, it was well known that if you hit me up for a donation, I would do so then take that commitment sheet around the money making sections of our company to help the fundraiser. It was not uncommon to hear me yell, "get off your fucking wallet you cheapskate, you make 5 times what I do, that means donate 5 times what I did you prick. No cheque book here, look what I have, a requisition for your brokerage account, sign here!". I often found myself randomly collecting money for fundraising people. Gee, wonder why. I've seen people hide. Grown men hiding.
I can see a homeless person without a jacket and come home and my husband will look at me coat less and cold and just say "gave the shirt off your back again?" *head down* "Maybe". *teeth chatters*
I am generous. You know how most people can't compliment themselves often.? Like looking in the mirror and saying Stuart Smalley like, "I love myself". I know I would find myself making faces before that shit comes out of my mouth. I tried it once. What I can say, and always will say, I am generous. I love making people happy. I will waste time, money, energy and part of my soul to give. I just happen to be that type.
In the past couple of years I have been really hurt because of this personality trait. I gave, a lot. I got nothing in return. Okay, that happens. If you give to get, it's not generous. But not only did I get nothing in return I got hurt. I got demeaned. I got my feelings hurt. I thought long and hard about never giving again when I found myself constantly saying, "but I did this.....and that....and what about this time, or that....and that first born (that kid was cute)...". It was then I thought I should just stop giving if I am following it with expectations.
Many of you know I suffer from Bi Polar II Disorder (look it up, I am tired of it). This means sometimes I can be really down in the dumps, like dumpster diving, bear in the landfill dumps. It's during these times I can sometimes find myself doing the ever so common, "whoa is me..." plea. It was also recently when it was really quite bad that I started doing generous things again.
Tim Horton's cookie day, I bought $10 cookies for the ten people behind me in the drive thru line. I know $10 is a lot of money to anyone and I am not rich. But let's be real, $10 is a latte at Starbucks if you say anything other than "big latte". Any other flavour, half this, half that, splash of this or that, flavour shot....it's $10 and realistically stupid. Don't have it one day and give that money away, to anyone who might need it. Besides you look like a fucking ass ordering that coffee. It's coffee, drink it as such, order coffee. You think those poor folks picking the bean want you to do anything other than shove it up your.....oooops off track here.
Doing things, doing nice things, makes you feel good. I don't know why chemically, but it does and it's fact. One day I walked into the grocery store and the old gals were at the front for the food bank. I never have cash, like ever, when I do it's for a reason, to give to someone. That day was no different and I had nothing. So I said, "can't I buy some things?". One year they had No Name pasta boxes for $5 bucks. $1 for the food, $4 to the food bank. Figured I could do the same. I was only there for 3 items for myself. The old girls looked at me, grubbies on, tattooed wrist, ear, then the wedding rings....they were debating my honesty before my eyes and I was okay with it. Why do you think I tattooed the wrist with the rings. They can't help but see them and think the worst then look at my rings (admittedly lovely) and then say, "Hey Zeus, she's done something right". They handed me a card that had a list of the items they needed. Non perishable garbage in most cases. And as much as I would like to say I went and bought it all organic or fresh, you cannot. They need stuff that does not perish fast, that may not need cooking or proper storage. What I did do was find myself pulling up to a cashier with a cart I could barely move anymore. My three items were in the child seat with my purse and the cart was overflowing with pretty much 6 of everything on the list, different flavours or brands, anything on sale. It came to only $140. I know, some people may think that's a lot, and I don't disagree. What I agreed in my head was to cancel one cleaning lady appointment and do it myself with my hubby as we blare music and sing out loud and dance as we pass in the hallway. We usually end up in the sack without cleaning, but whatever, still more fun than not don't you think? That saves us right there. Not only in the bank but hello, us married kids need spontaneous nookie too! Okay, back to the cashier, whom I did not sleep with, she was floored by my generosity and laughed when to bag it all, it took two carts! One of the stocking clerks took the first cart the gals at the food bank station, I pushed the last. They grabbed me for hugs and kisses. Tears were shed in happiness and I skipped all the way to my car. I lied. I don't skip. But I smiled all the way there.
So there it is. I like to do good things. And sometimes, I get down more than most, and doing things helps. Also, I refuse NOT to do things because of being hurt or because my illness can limit what I can and can't do. I just DO. I DO IT. Just do it. I do that. (Can I be sued for that trademark line being used here? Good thing I don't get paid to write).
That's all the lead in for the rest of this post.
I was at the same grocery store Monday. I am on new medication and I feel horrible. Mentally, never better. Physically the side effects are sucking a bit. It is, what it is, while it is, until it isn't. I don't get that statement either, I just like how it sounds. Rolls right off the tongue and makes you sound all Buddha like.
As I was walking out of the grocery store, with my cart full for the week, I got really dizzy. I stopped walking, held onto the cart and wondered why I was driving my car let alone grocery shopping. Just as I was thinking to myself, do I fall and call out "I've fallen and I don't want to get up", or call the hubby to tow me and my car back home? (He can do that! And he would do that. He had the tools, monster truck and trailer. I wish I drank booze. Would be so fun to be picked up at a bar and have him drive my truck into the trailer!). Off track again. My bad.
As I stood and tried to right myself I noticed all the fall mums on the customer service counter. All but two of them, just about to wilt. With a good window and water they'd be great. And because of that, I thought I bet I could get them for less than $9.99. And there's 20 of them so that's.....I didn't get to the math I was too dizzy and someone got concerned. I heard, "are you okay" behind the stars in my eyes. I asked if they would sell me all the mums I had been staring at for too long at half the price. If I would take them all off their hands I wanted a deal. The girl couldn't make that call, she called her boss. Her boss came over and looked at me odd (you'll see a pattern emerging here) because I looked like hell now. Cold sweats from the dizziness added to the aforementioned early morning appearance. Least I had on my City of Kawartha Lakes vest, they thought maybe I work for the city and I was just sick, or dying, either or. All of this stuff they think appears in bubbles over people's heads in my world, not yours?
The manager tells me she had planned on throwing all the left over mums away. I said I would like them all for the seniors center in town, that the little old birds I adore so much love to play with pretty flowers, plucky the dead leaves, watering and watching them grow in their windows if they are so lucky to have them. My Nana loved her flowers. The manager said she would have loved to do that herself but didn't have the staff to leave the store. I said I would be happy to if she just got someone to help me load the car. I figured I should ask for a little help before falling down. And off I went.
Now please keep in mind that I am a wee....wait, I need to explain something here. I am about to use a non politically correct word here. I know it. My grandmother was a Principal at a school for the mentally special/gifted/challenged and I loved them all. I loved her, the school and I never would have called them this but it is what I am. I can be, retarded *wince*. Go back in time when they couldn't explain what was wrong with someone so they used that word and it applies to me sometimes. It does! I really am. When it comes to some things, like doing things in a manner that won't hurt me, or using common sense, I am. Imagine making sticky toffee then using a very sharp knife to cut it in the pan TOWARDS YOU! Pointing the knife directly from the pan aimed right at your heart! Stuff like that, I am not smart about. In fact, I always fail. That day, with the toffee, I ended up in the hospital with a knife stuck almost right through my hand. If you don't think they thought the R word, you'd be wrong. In fact the very next day to all of this mum bartering, I fell off a ladder. I fell off a 3 stepper ladder, 3 fucking steps. How? Because it was too high and scared me. Standing on a chair scares me so why not a ladder right? With my back injury and dizzy spells why wouldn't I climb a ladder while lifting about 50 pounds of assorted metal shelves in my hands over my head. Good decision. Not so much. R word, yep!
I arrived at the seniors center, and tried to enter. I love random rhymes. I couldn't make the door work. There was a man in a walker chair at the door who after a bit thought be so pathetic he actually tried to get up to help me. I was trapped between the front door and the door to the center. Like an apartment building. I was in there for...well, too long. There it is, a phone. Dumb ass. I called and said "flower delivery". What the hell else could I say? When I went in I said that I needed a cart, a dolly, and that I had like 20 fall mums for the center. The young gal got me the cart and I said, "these are from over at ValuMart, they are free to the center, please make sure they are distributed around to those who would like them". She looked perplexed and said she needed to get her boss. Well of course, it's free shit, call management.
Back at my car I loaded up the cart. All the while bracing my body against my car as another dizzy spell hit from the cold to hot ratio inside and outside. And then again, got myself stuck in the entrance. By the time I got into the building for the second time there stood a lovely lady, a little older than me, very pretty, all done up to the nines..."uh oh, management's here", I thought. She said to me, "What's is this all about?" I told her I had planned on buying all the flowers (*waves hand like a Price Is Right Model across the flowers*) for the center but ValuMart gave them to me if I could deliver them. So here I am, delivering. And the convo went as follows:
Suit: Do you work for them, ValuMart I mean?
Me: Nope, retired. Worked on Bay Street for 22 years. Tired.
Suit: Do you work for the City of Kawartha?
Me: Nope, just retired up here, love it.
Suit: Do you have family or friends residing with us?
Me: Nope.
Suit: So you did this, why?
Me: Because I thought it would be nice for the little old birds who love flowers to have flowers.
Suit: That's amazing.
Me: Not really. I asked, I did, I am here.
Suit: There aren't many people like you anymore.
Me: There are. They are either overworked so they don't do this, or they don't realize how satisfying THIS is to do.
Suit: Can I have your name?
Me: Nope, you can thank the manager, the wife of the management team, at ValuMart.
Suit: Well you take care.
Me: You too. I hope the flowers make people happier today.
Suit: I know they will. I can't thank you enough.
Me: No thanks necessary.
Get out there humans. Do something nice. Especially if you feel like an asshole. Perhaps you aren't an asshole you just feel like one. If doing something nice doesn't change that.....well I guess you're just an .......
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