Yup, she's prettier, that's exactly what it is.

When I got together with my husband he was in the push me pull me of separating from his wife.  Every time he went back to her, I was abandoned and worthless  Every time he came back, I was worthy and amazing.  Amazing in the sack, in my clothes, out in bars, in my job.  I rocked.  Oh shit, he's gone again to figure all this out?  Insert fetal position here and a half empty 1 pound bag of chocolate almonds alongside a box of Kleenex and my little black book of guys to call to use me through the hell of being abandoned again.  It really helps to have a booty call when you are in the throws of despair over being unworthy, helps every time.  Insert another fetal position here and perhaps 3 empty bottles of wine.  And all the while this went on, I contacted most of my girlfriends with, "things are great", then "oh shit I am two steps away from the balcony here, the only thing in my way is a large pizza".  I hated hearing myself talk or think, let alone share.  I still do when I get obsessive about something.  I cannot let it go, "why, why, oh whyyyyyyy?".  There's a song with that in it, I fucking love that line.

It's that little lead in that reminds me of a dear dear friend that I love.  I haven't seen her since she dropped the extra 75 pounds (I am guessing here) that she lost and somehow managed to mail right into my ass.  There she was, heavy  and going out with my then skinny ass, watching me get hit on, feeling uncomfortable in her own skin.  I loved her and used to think to myself, "man if she'd lose some weight the guys would be all over her".  I won't deny it, it's what I thought, it's the truth about what I thought.  Keep in mind as I said that I remembered being that size, having been there before, and hated myself for it.  So I knew she hated herself for it too, I was her for fucks sakes.  Today I am kind of her still, so I was always as supportive as I could be.   I listened and encouraged as much as I could.  See, I knew I had an eating disorder so I felt if I shared, maybe someone else could see their way through it. 

Here she and I are, years later.  She's done the diet and exercise and dropped to a place I personally think may be a little too thin.  Even as I say that I detest myself because am I saying that out of jealousy or actual concern because I have been too thin before.  Not sure.  Not willing to take the high ground there just yet.  In all likelihood if she were me, I would tell anyone who said that to me that "I was healthy and happy and all good".  Actually I did just that.  Years ago I had surgery to have my appendix removed and they found the strep A virus in my stomach lining and I dropped to a size 5.  Average for me is a 12-14.  And I couldn't have been happier.  Spending thousands on clothes in that size 5 I stayed in for only one summer.  Gotta a lot of action that summer, the boys were all over my skinny ass.  Wow, I remember one actually saying to me on email as I walked past his desk on day, "whoa, loving this new skinny ass".  So my actually uttering the words "too thin" is about as hypocritical as one can be.  I would give my right arm right now to be her size today.  But that comes with an IF now.  "Only IF I knew that would solve all my problems and that of the worlds (that part is bullshit, I care only about my problems really...as if hungry people have problems, look at them, all lean and shit)".  I know that sounds horrid to say but it's the fucking truth, when it comes to being thin and feeling good, they are not interconnected, they aren't.  I was thin, I have been too thin, thin and just right and the mirror never sent me personally written love messages.  It never held a boom box over its head and serenaded me.  Boys never attested their undying love for me.  See above, they loved "my new skinny ass".  My parents didn't love me more or less.  Actually that's not true, they both like food and have issues so I think in their own way they were jealous of the thin me, happy I appeared happy and thought the worlds problems also ended with the size of my ass. 

So back to my friend.  Care to guess the last time I saw her?  I left work in 2008 I think it was, I was still only about 20 pounds over weight and carried myself around like a hooker on shore leave.  It was then, when she just began to diet that I last saw her.  Do you think I want to see her skinny ass today?  Hells to the no!  I weigh at least 75 pounds over my usual now, not just 20 that I could ab suck into the abyss. Add in alcohol and a good pair of expensive shoes, 20 pounds had NOTHING on me.  Oh how I wish it was only 20 pounds today.  

But here I am today talking to her about the fact she still looks in the mirror and says "not good enough".  She is comparing herself to everyone around her.  She is looking at pictures of her ex and his new thin fit girlfriend online (thanks Facebook for that, in the past we just had to hope not to see them, not be able to online stalk them to our own demise).  She is sitting looking at his happy face with "her" and thinking "what the fuck is wrong with me?".  "Why am I not good enough?"  Must be all the diet weight loss skin issues right, guess there's extra when you do it way too fast for your body to work with it.  That's got to be it.  Or the clothes I wear.  That's it, too conservative.  He wanted whore in see through lulu lemons.  Maybe it was the fact that I was a sexual deviant cause I figured that's what the guys really want right?  If I keep 'em happy in the sac, then that will keep them.  In fact they love that shit but somehow their wiring gets all fucked up when they think of doing "that" stuff to the mother of their children so be prepared, at some point they must fight the, "I love my wife but want a hooker" feelings.  Lord knows you are gonna make that about you not being good enough, pretty enough, sexual enough.

Here's what it is girl (girl being me because I am this friend and she is ME).  At least this is what I think it is.  It's the fact you don't love yourself.  There is a confident girl on the outside of you but once he's in your bed, and in your head, the true you comes out.  The girl who doesn't particularly like herself, who doesn't think "these jeans look good", who won't eat a decent meal in his presence, who won't see him on days where you've caved and over ate.  These are all actually YOUR issues not his.  It has nothing to do with her being better, or him wanting her, it's you.  It's me. 

I have a good marriage.  I won't deny that.  But I have a man that loves me to death and I "hope" that's true.  I don't believe it.  But I don't say that every day.  That's not his burden to bear.  I am determined to point out good looking girls in short shorts to him and while jealousy and envy rages through my blood enough to make me want to cut someone, I say, "hey honey check that ass out" knowing he appreciates that I don't make it his burden that I AM jealous.  And I know he's gonna likely get horny but he seems to keep bringing it home.  Yay me.  Maybe there's something to this love shit.  Remember in the beginning when it was "yes I am leaving, no I am not" and that was all about me, and how worthy I was.  No it wasn't. 

I am 100% sure on the other end his soon to be ex was feeling the same way and I regret that.  I regret he left, moved out, got his own place, but wasn't still sure what he wanted, needed, could handle, and she got pulled in different directions too.  That her ego and pride was being playing with.  See how I made that about her ego and pride being played with? Really was he?  Was it a game?  I don't think so.  Again, that's not his fault, he was trying to figure out his own life.  Unhappy marriage, but kids he loved to the ends of the earth.  Happy out of marriage, hurting kids.  What to do, what to do?  What the fuck has that got to do with me and how I look in the mirror?  Abso-fucking-lutely nothing!  And I see that now, I see that today and I openly talk to him about this.  I say to him all the time, "you are not the solution to my happiness but I sure do love you a lot and wouldn't be happy if you left.  I am happier with you beside me, that I know, because I like having you around.  You're like a best girlfriend with stuff I am attracted too".   I put as much of my shit at the door as I can because it's not his to bear.  And I expect the same from him.  "Do not bring that stress on your face and body into this house, it's not my problem". 

Now this sounds all very Law of Attraction selfish bullshit I hate so much it makes me want to spit on a puppy.  What this is not, is me saying you don't define my happiness or unhappiness.  It is, I am gonna be happy or unhappy with myself one way or another but I sure do love having you beside me.  I will not put all my shit on your lap to bear, please do not do that to me.  And I love you, and having you beside me makes me happier even on an unhappy day.  When I am unhappy and I rip him apart, I am now the first later to say, "holy shit I am sorry, that all had nothing to do with you, thank you for still being here".  You can't not reflect things onto your partner, your issues, but you need to be self aware enough to say, "eeek not your problem, my bad".

So girlfriend out there, 1) I am sorry that I am still wrapped up enough in my appearance I haven't seen you.  Trust me, you are 1 in about 50 I refuse to see out of sheer embarrassment but I am working on it.  The other day, I looked fab, should have ran over to you but I could have seen an ex.  (see where that went again?).  2) You, my friend, are perfect as you are today or as you will be tomorrow.  It's only when you know that.  Know that all the imperfections you see is no one's problem but your own, can you move forward.  I got so lucky, my man saw past it and in doing so helped me reign it in from being his problem.  3) I love that you want to talk to me about this shit because you know it means; a) I love you to death, b) you love me to death, and c) I must be doing something right as Miss Perfect pants is looking to me to help her with her head.  Somewhere along the line I started to "get it" and that's fantastic.  Trust me, it's not always so.  We all have our bad days where we can't stop ourselves but today I get to feel like fat girl on the couch has her shit together.  Thank you.  I appreciate that.  Now I will go look in the mirror and applaud myself before I lose that feeling.

And you my dear, stop looking at those fucking pictures, it's apples to oranges.  You have no idea what she has or doesn't have in comparison to you.  And you will never find that answer.  Even asking them both, in a face to face sit down, no one is ever that honest.  YOU WILL NEVER KNOW.  Maybe there's things she can do that's different than you.  Like I said, "perhaps she's got a double jointed jaw and can suck a basketball through a garden hose".  Maybe just maybe, she's so confident he's chasing her a** all over the place and she, having some issues with love (Daddy issues we like to call them), is using him to make herself feel that love is possible.  All the while, she doesn't even really like him.  There he is, pathetically using your ideas and plans to try, just try to make her happy.  Chase chase chase.  Those boy mice love to chase.  The less you love them the more they think it's true love.  Maybe just maybe, he's just a tail chasing asshole. 

You will never know until you stop looking at them and instead look in the mirror and find one thing, just one, that you really really like about yourself and say it in your head. Don't say it out loud that's very "Stuart Smalley" and annoying as fuck.  Say it in your head and tomorrow, try another one.   You are well on your way.  I got lucky, mine helped me along this path,.  I never had to look and say this shit to myself, he did it for me.  Awwwww shit, fuck, I am nowhere near done, he can't do it for me.  I just fucking finished saying that above.  Thanks so much.  Off to look in the mirror.  "I love that beauty mark, that teeny tiny beauty mark above my eye, I love that muther".  For now, you my dear, are going this alone (but I am always here, happy to remind you, we are all fucked up).