Friday, July 19, 2013

Men are from Mars and….well that’s it.

I was talking to a girlfriend who told me a story about her flirting with a guy, a new guy, a younger guy and she was embarrassed. She’d been rejected and was worried about seeing him again. Being that I know everything, I asked for the story. They text all the time she told me. She had asked him if he was free and he responded no. She had hoped to watch a hockey game with him then “tuck him into bed”. Hint hint hint. And he simply responded that he wasn’t free and doubt they’d watch much of the game. To her, she’d been rejected. And she was “fine” with it. Just embarrassed to see him because of the rejection. To say I looked flummoxed is an understatement.

My first question to her was, “you do realize men are stupid right?” She responded positively that indeed she knew this, it was not a revelation to her. That was good, half my work was already done. I don’t mean men in general are stupid. I mean when they aren’t thinking about tits and ass, they’re smart. When they aren’t worried about the size of their junk in comparison to another, they’re smart. When they aren’t going through the midlife crisis, buying convertibles, earrings and a date for the convertible, they’re smart. When they aren’t lighting shit on fire, smart. In short, they are not always stupid. Every once in a while one of them compliments their woman at the right time, without any sexual ideation whatsoever….okay I can’t lie like that, not that boldly. But once in a blue moon a guy does something out of the blue without any ulterior motives…..damn it, again, can’t finish. They do something nice without ever having misbehaved prior to….okay this is ridiculous. 

What I am trying to say is that they are not always stupid. There are times, I know it. My husband will build something or fix something and all I can think of is “that’s what he’s for, I knew I needed him”. I jest of course, someone has to open the jars around here, them lids be tight.

She was aware, they aren’t always bright. I then followed with, “so you know unless you actually say the words, I want to have sex with you tonight” they will have no idea what you mean, what you want, or how to act. She started to laugh but I could tell she wasn’t “there” yet. She still believed him not interested. 

This is the conversation that followed.

Nicolle: You flirted back and forth and tossed a bone his way with a flirty little cute, “tuck you in” comment.

Her: Yes.

Nicolle: And you expected him to get that meant you want to have sex, no strings attached, you just “want some”.

Her: Well yes.

Nicolle: After making flirtatious comments for months with no follow through, you expect him to get this one particular time you wanted sex?

Her: Uhhhmmm yes?

Nicolle: Why?

Her: You don’t think he got that with my saying “tuck you in”?

Nicolle: Oh I am sure he got that it meant taking him to bed.

Her: Then I was indeed rejected.

Nicolle: No. You assume you have been.

Her: But….

Nicolle: Well, did you say, “would you like to have sex tonight?”

Her: No but….

Nicolle: Did you say, “I want, in fact I need, sex tonight. I would like it to be with you if you are available tonight. No strings attached, I don’t want a relationship”. Did you say that?

Her: I hinted.

Nicolle: You could hint with Louisville Slugger but until you spell it out with your big girl ABCs to the man, you will get rejected, by misunderstanding. Not on purpose, not with intent, but by misunderstanding you will have to assume rejection.

Her: But….

Nicolle: No buts, none whatsoever. Unless you tell a man exactly what you want and how you want it, you are gonna be rejected. You will have no choice but to deem yourself rejected because you didn’t give him enough information, you didn’t lay it out per say, right under his nose. Please remember the old movie Coyote Ugly because it’s perfection, “every man has a two year old right in their Dockers” *motion to the general penis region*, “and you look like a kindergarten teacher”. In other words they think all the time with their two year old wee brain. Not their big brain, the one on their shoulders but the little one in their pants. So good luck with your “hints”. You’re gonna be dried up and dusty by the time you get laid by this guy.

Her: I am scared to ask him, I am nervous.

Nicolle: Right now you believe he understood you and rejected you right? 
 
Her: Well yes. 
 
Nicolle: You’ve been rejected already, what have you got to lose now? You already got told no in your mind. Unless you say the words, asking him the direct question, you will never know. Last time I checked, unless he is gay, a man is not going to say no to sex with an older, very attractive woman saying she wanted sex with no strings. I am pretty confident you are going to be okay. So long as you say it like you are talking to a two year old, like he’s dumbest two year old alive. Spell it out. Guys have scared nerves too sometimes so remember you are an older woman and sexual as hell and he’s sitting on the other end of that text saying to himself “what the fuck did that mean, did she mean what I think she meant, what do I say….oh the game is on, let’s order some za….what the hell was I thinking about a minute ago? Oh well it will come back to me”. That is a man’s mind.

If you were to walk into the room as you husband put the hockey game on TV, lifted the lid to a hot fresh pizza and you dropped your clothes on the floor, this would be the best example of someone’s head exploding. There would be a massive wiring shortage in his brain. He would be thinking, “life doesn’t get better than this, a game, pizza….WHAT THE FUCK? This means sex, there’s no question, sex right now, right now? The game, the pizza……? And then you’d have sex. No way in hell a man’s saying no, you’ve made yourself clear, you will win. But are you starting to understand their wiring at all?

I had a girlfriend who used to ask my incessantly, all the fucking time, what do you think he meant by that? “NOTHING” I wanted to scream. “NOTHING”. He meant nothing by it, or he would have said it damn it. What do you think this meant? “NOOOOOTHING”. There is no secret meaning. If there was there’d be no jokes about “do I look fat in these jeans?” We don’t ask that question because if we do they are gonna answer, and they’re gonna answer with the truth. We, women, actually had to teach them to stop telling the truth. Make something up when you answer THAT question. But only that question. Well no, come to think of it, lie when it comes to this and this, the truth with that and that. Meanwhile the guy is sitting there thinking, I just want to watch the game, “wanna order pizza?” Unless you are standing there naked, that’s about all you’re getting’.  

We created this monster! I need all women to acknowledge this. We wanted them to be honest. Then we wanted particular questions answered dishonestly. It’s no wonder they fuck it up all the time. What men need is a book, a complete set of rules, book. “Here’s when it’s appropriate to lie”. “Here’s when it’s not”. “Here’s when to say I love you”. “Here’s when not to”. Oh yeah, that’s right fellas, it’s not always appropriate to say those words. You can’t in the middle of a fight throw those words out all willy nilly to try and stop the fight. We know what you are doing there, you don’t really mean it. Now you have placed in our head a distrust over the use of the most important of words. Come on now fellas, that’s not right. All that being said, if you come home and we have made a nice dinner for you, it might be appropriate to say it then. Of course if a woman is PMS’ing she may think that you only love her when she’s acting like Mrs. Cleaver, that’s insulting, we are independent strong women here. I think the point is simple, we are different, we will never truly understand the other because we cannot get inside each other’s heads. 

I am married so I we have been practising learning about each other, it's a practice because no one has perfected it yet, and likely never will.  Keep on practising, someone's bound to perfect it at some point. My husband has made an art of understanding the, “I can’t win can I?” question. He doesn’t even wait for the answer to that question anymore, he knows he can’t, he just needs to say it. I think asking gives him a wee manhood boost. He watches us women interact, he listens to us talking to each other about boyfriends and he regularly makes comments like “holy shit guys would never ever do that”. Like “guys would never say I love you to another guy unless they are a gay couple speaking to each other, we don’t do that, why do you do that, I don’t get that?” Or, “okay she’s been an ass to you for years and you are curled up crying talking to all your friends about it, wouldn’t it be easier to just say “fuck it” and move on?”. Well yes shit head, it would be, but we are not made of testosterone and pizza. We are hormonal nutcases. Each and every one of us. And yes, that means it is normal for us to cry when you ask what’s for dinner and we don’t know why we are crying either. If we could explain it, it wouldn’t likely happen now would it? Would you want to cry for absolutely no reason? Us neither. It’s not like we don’t know we are nuts, you don’t need to tell us….if you want to live.

The best thing a man can do for himself, if he wants constant, steady sexual relations with a girlfriend or wife is to learn to say “yes dear” without any visible sarcasm. Saying those words with eye rolling, baaaad call dude, bad call. Practise it in the mirror. This is how to end a fight, be wrong, even if you are right. Do you really care about being right or do you care about a quiet night at home, watching the game over a pizza followed by sexual relations? I mean it doesn’t get much better than that. All you need to do is say “yes dear” when your wife walks in the room in tears with a dish towel saying through sobs, “if you loved me you would have folded this properly after using it”. And to that you answer “yes dear, if I loved you properly I’d have folded the dish towel that I don’t even notice or know when I am actually using it, or really even what it’s for, but yes dear, you are right”.   I highly suggest skipping that middle part unless you are ten years married like me and mine and I find it funny when he says that shit, most of the time.  It's his crap shoot.  So you've said "yes dear" to the wrinkled towel, your wife stops crying, wiping tears from her eyes she will tilt her head much like a dog does wondering what the hell is happening, “he gets this now? After all these years, he really gets this, he gets me?” Insert sexual relations here.

I am aware there is no method or madness to the things we cry about. I’ve softened up a lot in the last 5 years. Before that, unless I watched the lion rescuer reunite with the lion after 10 years video, no crying. Now that I am married and peri menopausal, I cry if the postal lady doesn’t give me a proper hello and I don’t even like people. If there’s a commercial on TV about someone loving someone else, tears. Even I touch my face sometimes and think “hmmmm it’s wet, wonder what happened, salty, odd”. So I can only imagine how my husband feels walking into the bedroom and I am curled up in the fetal position snot pouring out my nose and I say something like, “the toilet seat was up, you’ve never left it up before. You have stopped loving me”. Even as the words come out through the snot I wonder to myself, “who the fuck just said that? And why does the dog look all concerned?”

Now don’t get all up in arms ladies, I get that they actually MAKE us cry sometimes. I get there are complete asshats out there and most of the time we are attracted to them. I mean the less they love us the more we want them right? Talk about boosting one’s self esteem, get a guy who doesn’t love anyone to love us. That will do it right? If nothing else, if it doesn’t work we might learn we deserve better right? Okay after 12 more of these guys we will now know what we deserve right? And then you find the one. He is handsome, and caring, says “yes dear” all the time….he gets you. 

Then it happens. 

He relaxes because you are actually acting normal, not like the usual girls he’s met before you.  You are almost human. You’ve both relaxed. 

Here it comes. 

You are living together now, farts have occurred in each other’s presence, with apologies of course. You have made it. This might be “the one”.

He calls from the office. 

“Going out with the guys for a few drinks, won’t be late”. It’s 5pm.

You: Okay, great, have fun.

You: Via Text, “having fun?” its 8pm.

Him: Via Text, “yep” …an hour later, 9pm.

You: Via Text, minutes later, “when do you think you’ll be home? Should I wait up?”

Him: Via Text, another hour later, 10pm, “nah”.

You: YOUR HEAD EXPLODES. Making texting difficult. “I thought you said you wouldn’t be late? What’s going on? Why are you being so short with me? Are we okay? I am worried.”

Him: He’s calling you now because he has NO idea what’s happened. “Babe, everything’s fine, I am on my way home”.

You: Now you feel bad, he sounds normal, why are you giving him a hard time you ask yourself? “Honey, I am sorry, you just said you weren’t gonna be late and I didn’t know if I should wait up to see you or not, I will go to bed, take your time, have fun”.

Him: “Are you sure?” He sounds very doubtful of your change of heart, and a little annoyed.

You: Being sure he is annoyed with you now, you say “please go have fun with the guys, and sorry must be PMS”.

Him: “Okay babe”.

You: “Night”. 

And just as he hangs up the phone you hear it, a girls laugh, and its close, close to your man. This explains everything!!!!

You spend the rest of the night getting angrier and angrier, more and more sad. It’s over and you know it. You are now eating a bag of double stuff Oreo’s. No sense keeping your figure when he’s got another girlfriend, she’s probably never had an Oreo before. You start second guessing yourself. He’s doing nothing wrong. She could have just been walking past him at the time. It’s now 1am, “WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?” He’s with HER! Damn him. When he comes home at 130am you pretend you’re asleep, fast asleep. He stumbles into bed. There’s movement, he is NOT. Yep, he’s sidling up to spoon you because that’s right, he’s ready! Can you fucking believe this? After all he’s done to you tonight. You fake groan in your sleep flipping into a position that sends a clear message of “I don’t think so”. He’s a little drunk, he tries again, you fake sleep through it. Before you know it the drunk snore begins. You’ve heard it before, just most of those times, in fact ALL of those times you were out together. You were both drunk so you had great drunken sex and passed out together. Now you are lying miles apart, you’re bloated from the Oreo’s and your best relationship to date is almost over, I mean he is cheating after all! 

The next morning you choose to go to the gym and get ready there for work because you can’t face him. You know you are acting crazy but part of you believes it’s over. After work you make plans with a girlfriend and ensure you are out long enough that hangover boy’s sound asleep when you get home at 9pm, which is “early” like he said he would be the night before. You still can’t sleep. I mean you are trying to figure out where you are going to live. You love this apartment but can’t afford it on your own. 

You are now starting to see things about this love of your life you never noticed before. He leaves the toothpaste all squished out and gross. He’s never replaced the toilet tissue, never. You are not sure he knows where to buy new stuff let alone how to put a new roll on. You know for sure he doesn’t know where you keep them in the apartment. And the snoring, when did this start? Fucking earth shattering rhino sounds. How did you ever sleep? Asshole, you hate him. Good, this will be easy to end it you convince yourself.

See how this happens? See what you’ve done there? See what he’s done there (*ahem*, NOTHING)? 

How about this? Just try this. You’ve got nothing to lose right? You are going to be living alone in a few hours. Just try this. Get up, make coffee for you both and sit waiting for him to get up. When he comes into the kitchen, don’t throw death stares at him. He’s oblivious the poor soul. He has no idea that you are mad. He has no idea you are about to end your relationship. Shit, he doesn’t even know he is cheating. He was unaware that a woman walking past him is the equivalent to sleeping with her. NO idea. He had no idea then, and he still has none. When he sits down say this, “Thursday, you said to me, you wouldn’t be late”. He will look at you bewildered. Say, “please don’t tell me you won’t be late and then be late, like really late, okay? I worry, I want you to enjoy yourself but I don’t want to be up worrying, is that okay? It’s not too much to ask I hope. Just be honest, if you think you are gonna tie one on, tell me as much and I will go to bed wearing granny pajamas so you don’t hump my leg”. Right in this moment you will truly know if you have “the one”. The “NOT one” will say something like “why you all up in ma’ business bitch”. Finish packing, you are right, it’s over. 

But if he says “I am sorry about that, didn’t mean for you to worry. And yes dear, I can be a little more realistic about it, whether I will be late or not”. Now reward him, this is amazing progress for a guy who is completely unsure he actually did anything wrong.  That said you were so nice and you looked upset, he wants to make you happy. That’s a good man.

Now to broach the subject of the girl walking past him, you need to step back a bit on that one. I mean you are being ridiculous. It’s not like the girl whispered into the phone, “I am gonna ride your man home”. She laughed and you know very well it was in the distance but you were already there, breaking up with him when you heard it. A wee distorted was the mind at the time. So as you sit in his lap and kiss him, well. Kiss him well. Let him know the kiss may lead to something. Kiss him like a Soap Star. All open mouthed “leading somewhere” kiss. Look him straight in the eye and say, completely honestly and open, “I got so worked up about you staying out late that I basically had you leaving me for another woman, how crazy is that?”. He shouldn’t blink. He should look you in the eye and say something stupidly corny like, “you’re the only woman for me”. To which you can now say, “I heard this chick walk past you and convinced myself she was whispering sweet nothings in your ear. Girls are so stupid, besides I would have to kill her”. Now you have gotten all you need off your chest. He’s reassured you how he feels about you. He’s told you he agrees with your need for clarity in regards to his eta, even though he doesn’t understand your need whatsoever, he did that for you. All is good in the world.

I have learned all this, all of it, in the last 10 years or so, entirely at the expense of my husband’s sanity. I may have been the girl in the “won’t be late” story. I might have made him sleep on the couch in the cold basement and when he gave me lip, MAYBE I packed a suitcase for him and called him a cab until it got so far away from him he yelled “what the fuck is happening?” At that moment I realized everything that happened, every second of it, happened entirely in my head. Once you realize how much shit you create in your head versus how much is real, you are gonna have one happy husband. That and putting out more regularly than you think you should will equal a relatively peaceful home life.

Unless he fucks with that dish towel. Then it’s over.

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