The 89th Oscars (2017) as covered by Me - The Fashion Review

Every year at this time people reach out to me to ask if they have to stay up late or if they can, at my expense, go to bed early and award me the privilege of staying up all night and writing all about the Oscars.  I went to bed at 1:22am running through in my head how I wanted to say things, about what I had already written, and about what was lost.  Yes, indeed I lost my first draft.  It was 1am and when the computer said "save" for some ungodly reason I said "no".  I proceeded to scream one word, and one word only, beginning with the letter F.  Then I crapped my haute couture two piece worn just to write about the Oscars.  The outfit gives me inspiration.  I spent the next 22 minutes trying to find the work I had done and cleaning my skivvies.  

Seriously I didn't do-do.  And my version of a haute couture two piece is a pair of capri tights with as many holes, pulls, and tears in the fabric as my shirt.  Now, the shirt has a little key hole twisted into the fabric and a lovely gathered boat neck, but it actually has rabbit bite holes all over it. That's a long tale but they really seemed to like the shirt.  My look was very avant guard, very Jared Leto.  It was vintage, Oscar apropos.  I wore an au-naturel makeup pallet to ensure the outfit was the focus, or perhaps my solitaire diamond pendant necklace.  Again, all honouring my craft, writing about the Oscars. 

I love how I just made my diamond necklace I wear everywhere with everything, all the time, sound.  Think less Elizabeth Taylor and more Jared or Zales.

In honour of tinseltown tonight I snacked on bon bons while watching the show, very fru-fruey, very very chic. (Yep, intentional double down on the very's to honour #45).   They were surprise bon bons, just a big old mix of everything.  Every bite was a surprise.  Again, very Oscar like.  I tried to predict whether it was a Mars bar mini or a Twix bar mini but until I opened up the chocolate coating, until I bit into that heavenly envelope I never knew what was inside.  Long story short, I am ready to cover fashion people.  I couldn't be more ready.  

Of course prior to the Oscars one must watch E!  The E Network covers fashion like none other.  They got into a little trouble in the past for it, getting in shit for going so far as to have a red carpet runway for the manicures called the mani cam.  Try asking Cate Blanchett to do this.  It didn't go over well.  It's okay for her to be all over my TV selling perfume but do not ask her to show you the Fred Leighton ring he loaned her for the evening.  Now the red carpet for the Oscar is mostly shot from the waist up so we don't even get to see shoes and the bottoms of the dresses.  Thank god for the Golden Globes.  They don't fuck around there, "get up on this platform and spin bitch, they wanna see your ankles at home".  

The hosts of the fashion coverage are Ryan Seacrest, Hollywood's most under assumed richest bachelor.  He owns everything.  While he simply appears to do nothing but host things, he owns rights to almost everything and one of those things is the Kardashians.  He bought Ellen DeGeneres' house for 45 million a few years ago.  He owns a yacht the size of Kansas.  So when the stars seem happy to see him its because they genuinely are, they hang with him, hope for invites to his events.  His partner in crime is Guiliana Rancic, or the praying mantis I like to call her.  Her head is a little oddly shaped atop a very thin frame.  All bodies are acceptable and perfect in their own way, especially if you dress them to flatter the curves or lack thereof, she often misses the mark on this.  At the Globes this year was the first time I was all in on her outfit.  Last night, I am conflicted really.  You will see it later.  But the amusing thing about Guiliana is that she is now pushed off to the side of the interviewing line along the carpet.  She interviews the B line of people and I think it's because she is so fashion focused and not always on point with the actual acting or movie that the actor was in.  Also she can be really catty with her commentary.  I think a few of the A list actresses said, "keep that woman away from me, I am not a piece of meat".  And finally there is my Ross.  Ross Mathews sits atop the Waffle House (or something similar) looking down directly down on the arriving limosines.  He used to do this coverage with Kelly Osbourne and I loved them together but she and Guiliana went at it hard a few years ago over some nasty assed comments by the mantis over a young girls dread locks.  Osbourne called her a hag and quit and now Ross is always stuck with beautiful women I know nothing about and he has no chemistry with.  But I do love him.  He is still star struck and genuine in his excitement for the carpet.  He gets me.  

Let's get to this shall we.  

Ryan Seacrest is a class act.  And his menswear, da’ bomb.  He has his own line of menswear, I think mostly formal wear.  This cream coloured jacket with a white shirt, dark burgundy bow tie, and black pants is really fantastic.  I loved it. 

Guiliana Rancic looked really pretty on TV but not as much in still shots.  I am not a huge fan of her showing her collar bones which are so prominent but this colour on her was really lovely and the soft hair with the beauty ponytail was nice.

It just didn't compare even remotely to this....

Now that's a dress and a perfect look for a skinnier frame.  Being skinny is not an issue.  Being skinny and wearing what you want isn't an issue.  But choosing things to suit your body type, to flatter it, is always a good choice when you are the person doing the fashion reviewing.  See above and my "vintage" choice for this evening.  

Olivia Culpa is some sort of fashion guru gal that everyone talks about at the award shows.  She's rarely done a movie that's gotten raves I don't think anyways.  I am pretty sure she is famous for having been a Miss USA.  I could be wrong but that's what I gather.  She is very pretty and dresses lovely so she's a nice addition to the carpet for sure.  This dress she has on is made entirely from recycled material so sustainable and also the money spent to purchase goes to a water charity.  Perhaps that's why they had her there on the carpet, to get the word out.  Either way, it was amazingly gorgeous in my humble opinion but the penguin hair I could do without.  It's ridiculous.  

See, all I could compare it too.  

This is adorable and I love it, for a charity gala, or even the Globes, but not the Oscars.  The Oscars are meant to be the ball of the century, the day you throw it all out there.  This is a miss for me.  Her makeup was too soft, the dress too cute.  And for me it looks ill fitted, too loose.  Wasn't for me.  The fashion crew went goo goo for it.  Nope.

Now that's a fucking Oscar head.  Look at the makeup, the crown, the earrings.  Everything about this is amazing.

I had planned on shatting all over Ruth Naga today for this dress.  All "my grandmother called for her dress back", but the more I look at it, the more I love it with her face, hair, jewels and her, who she is.  So shit I will not do instead I will offer praise.  

The ribbon which you will see throughout represents support of the ALCU.  

What is the ACLU?

The American Civil Liberties Union was founded in 1920 and is our nations guardian of liberty.  The ACLU works in the courts, legislatures and communities to defend and preserve the individual rights and liberties guaranteed to all people in this country by the Constitution and laws of the United States.   

And before you go all, "it's a race thing".  It's not.  It's actually a civil rights thing, for anyone, and everyone.  The ribbons at this time and place, were perfect.  The Entertainment Industry has a voice and they have every right to use it.  

Hailee Steinfeld couldn't have nailed the Oscar look any better than she did.  This kid is 20 years old. She's been nominated for an Oscar in the past when she was just 13 or 14 I think it was, for her role in True Grit.  She has a break out role in The Edge of Seventeen alongside Kyra Sedgwick and once noticed for her voice in Pitch Perfect 2 she got a record deal.  The kid has some skippy fun pop tunes.  She's kind of a beast really.  And I like that.  



I love this dress.  I really do.  I think she is so pretty.  But her hair bores me to death.  The back of it is just hanging in the same waves I get when I put my hair wet up in a bun then let it drop later.  Put some effort into this shit girl, it's the Oscars.  To give her credit where it's due, she has a newborn baby at home so....I would have been at home covered in bodily fluids, some the babies, some mine.



Do you think she knew the blue ribbon would actually make this look even better?  Do you think her spidey like model senses knew, put it there on my hip and I will make the blue ribbon look sexy?

Fuck her.  *sigh*  So annoyingly beautiful.

I take back the fuck her actually.  Did you know she is indirectly related to Donald Trump and yet she wears this ribbon??!!!  You go girl.  He gonna be maaaaa-aaaaad at you!  You could be twittered.



She is the only woman on the planet who doesn't bother with lip injections for that thin upper lip because well, look at her, why would you?



Oh bite me.  Or a chocolate bar.  One of us.  I want to see her with a zit.  Just once.  So gorgeous.

Emma Roberts…hmmmm slutty?  Or perfection?  You decide.  I don't want to call her names.  (Haha, so not like me at all).

Leslie Mann is so bloody cute.  She’s a hot mess and I love it, and her, and this look.  And her husband too.  

Hi, in case you didn't know it because of my bubbly yet intelligent personality, I am also a super model.  Can you see it now?

This is my husband whom I love and he loves me.  We have fun together.  

Chrissy Teigen's husband called her a goddess.  *sigh* Because she is one.

Again, see it, super model.  Oh and I love to give #45 a hard time, on Twitter.  I could do it all day long.  He's a cheeto and I am not afraid to say it. 

Couldn't love her anymore than I already do.  Okay I could, have you seen Lip Synch Battle?  She could get some rhythm lessons.  Other than that, she's perfect.  

Octavia WOW girl, perfectly done.  Put your damn hands on those luscious hips missy.  Own this shit woman, you deserve to.  Please, more of this (above), less of this (below).
Never again.  Look at your Oscar outfit forever and plan on matching or upping that shit.  

She's a fucking goddess.  When asked what she was wearing and Ryan began with "it's..." her husband interjected with, "perfection, it's perfection".

In the above picture the necklace looks like it matches perfectly.

I was thrown all night.  Do I love this and think, wow you are ballsy with your choices.  Or do I hate it and I think, the dress was so much, totally enough on it's own and you put that necklace on it?  Shouldn't this type of necklace be on a strapless white gown?



In this picture I hate it, it doesn't match it clashes.  It's too much.




Then it matches again, blending in.



Then it stands out like a sore thumb with a broom bristle bandage on it.


I would never expect this from Tiffany.  But there it is.

Of course her best accessory all night, this jackass behind her.  I adore him.  They are officially my only threesome couple but then I think about her body next to mine and the dream becomes a nightmare and I need to hide in the pantry with potato chips.  

Matt Damon and his wife Luciana.  Good looking couple and did the red carpet just right.  Her dress was even more impressive on TV.  Nicely done.  Too bad he had to put up with Kimmel's shit all night.  

Nothing about what's below makes me happy.






This is Dakota at rehearsal.  I am not seeing much difference really.  She bores me so much.  Paint drying has more depth in my opinion.  Now while that's cruel and indefensible I do think she is perfect for the role in the 50 Shades of Porn because the character is quiet and shy, awkward and quietly beautiful.  That screams this girl.  She is beautiful and sometimes she does herself up and wow, but this.  BLECK.  Not a fan.





She is preparing here to teach her subjects how to curtsey to her.

I AM the Queen yes, with a little bit of Roman Empire goddess thrown in.

"Off with their heads...ha ha ha".

She rocks the red carpet.  And she is so eloquent.  And talented.  I would like her to call me just to give me tips on how to be, well all around better.  I think she could make it so.

I am Louis Vuitton's muse.  Because, well look at me.



The dress ties in a big velvet bow behind her neck then the ties themselves hang down her back well past her waist.  She is the definition of ethereal.






Her favorite accessory is her best friend Busy and they do these shows together always.  I understand that Michele struggles with public things like this so her bestie makes it all right.  So does mine.  The skirt of Michele's dress was not yellow as represented above, it's white, it's just the lighting.  The only criticism I have was her makeup.  I loved the lack of jewels making the dress the highlight but I would have loved to have seen a more dramatic makeup like below.  Still very light as she does so well but just a little more definition in the eye and lip would have amped it up for me.





I love it, I hate it, I love it again.  I hate the belt, the belt is kick ass.

It's very her, I will say that.

She had a little run in with the boy Ryan last night on the red carpet.  Here is the link.  Apparently she doesn't appreciate a ridiculous question.  If you haven't seen her speech at the Women's March, it's here too.  It was pretty great.

Glamour - Scarlette let's Ryan have it

Scarlette let's #45 have it

After she was done with her interview (LOL) Scarlett ran into Halle Berry arriving for hers and Scarlett couldn't contain her enthusiasm for Halle's look last night.  It was really quite cute.  I think Scarlett has the hots for her.  Now talk about a beautiful couple.




When I saw Halle Berry last night for the first time I said out loud, "holy fuck".  I was struck by this look.  The big hair, the boldness yet simplicity of the dress.  And again, (maybe I should check to see if my Cybalta prescription needs a dose change), I was struck with, "do I hate it?", "do I love it?".  I mean the hair is epic.  It's an accessory and I love it.  The dress is typical her, she's done it before.  Apparently it came off the runway and directly on to her body, not sized, altered, or changed.  From the runway to the red carpet.  She is effortless in her beauty.  She's got an Alicia Keyes thing happening here.  But the dress is very 80s.  I know it's coming back, everything does sadly.  Think about it, Trump will be back again after all this shit.  Fuck.  I just don't know if I am impressed with this 80s, been there done that, dress.

Hi, my name is Halle.  



And this ladies and gentleman is how a lady stands for the camera. 



Look at that fucking face.  I just have this vibe in my head, an image I can't shake?  It must be Alicia Keyes I am thinking of?



As Halle walked on stage to present last night I thought again, "fuck me she is walking sex".





Silly girl brought her Golden Globes to the Oscars.  Serious movie star right here.  Perfection.



Boys of the Oscars pulling out all the stops.



Give me one man who could wear this shirt and still have women tripping over themselves to lick his shoe?

Angelina called and wants the years of her life back.  I liked this look.  The girl knows how to dress.  Not sure on the hair.  I am not a fan of the dirty head look.  

It's funny how all the different web sites have such different camera angles and lighting.  Last night on TV I thought, "hmmmm I don't like it".  Then she walked out on stage and I changed my tune (see potential medicine dose issue).  But here are three other pictures that are entirely different and I find myself again, "I love it".  

The colour of the dress looks different in the one, I like it more here. 

I didn't like the other angles of her hair until I saw this picture.  I disliked the earrings until this picture.

Overall wasn't a huge fan until this picture where I swooned as usual at the South African beauty.  Oh, who is an immigrant.  I am betting that 45 wouldn't want her gone.  



She's a unique looking beauty.  She is gorgeous, the necklace is gorgeous, the neckline is gorgeous.  That hair is the EXACT same hair I had while writing this, in my pyjamas, in my bed.



The back of this is something else.




The front is very costumey.  Like a costume party.  Don't like it.



He's just so handsome.  I love lions.  




This is not a dreads issue.  I think hair down for this type of ballgown dress is not the right look.  I think she should have piled them dreads up.  No hair on the neck or shoulders, not for this ornate a dress.  Definitely a hair up dress.  Which I love on her by the way. 




I love the flapper feel of this considering her movie La La Land.  I loved when she moved in this dress.  She is a movie star.  While young, she is a star.  But the real question seems to be, red head or not?  Above, brown red.  Below, red red.





While the brown hue of her hair in this pic is annoying you can see her makeup is on point.  

She is a star.  



She's pretty.  Her husband is a hero.  But this.....nah.



This old dame doesn't take shit from anyone.  Lovely.  



Here is Mel and his child bride, mother of his 9th child.  Wait no she is his 9th child and his bride.  No that can't be.  Wait.  Oh right, fuck I hate this guy.



She looked uncomfy and unhappy, as was I with her choices of dress and heavy eyes.  But then I remembered she was on Big Love with Bill Paxton and I forgave her all.

He has two pandas in China and made 250 movies.  That's all I got.



If it works for you don't fuck it up is what her hair stylist says and he would be right.  It's her.  And the dress.  Come on, she's almost 50.  Stunning.



I will give you some leg Angelina, how do you like this leg?  



Kate I love you so I give you this advice out of love, I would recommend you not stand next to Jen.   I know you've said in the past you don't like dresses but it looks like you settled right into things my little lazy bean.  You look great and your little bit presenting was cute.  But the hair needed work.  You can't do the beachy wave thing that I can do with wet hair and an elastic band, (overnight in my sleep no less), on the Oscar red carpet.  Never again please.  Dress matches the hair.  Drapes match the hair.  Same same. 







One more "Guddu" out of you and I was going to adopt you or kill you, I wasn't sure.  You are the cutest little man ever.  



He knocks it out of the park in everything he does which is everything.  He does everything.  Including Jessica Biel.  




Kirsten Dunst this was perfect.  For your serious and candidly dark persona, this was perfect. 



The necklace was perfect for it.  



You are definitely aging well.  But I have a serious problem.  Do you see it?



Massive miss.  Even First Choice hair cutters could have done a better hair do job.  Sweetie you are freakin' Hollywood royalty, act like it. UP - DO.




Again with the lighting.  Look at the difference in colour.  It was more green blue then royal as it appears above.  I loved that it was pants under the skirt.  But it was unremarkable as you can tell, just like her.  Overrated.






All black and I like it.



I don't like this.  I like her, her face and hair are perfect for the style of dress.  The dress, the top and skirt are all pure white sequins, which I like.  I just don't find this very flattering but I like the sequins in the dress and top with this cape in another fabric.  That's cool.  But the best part of this whole outfit are the shoes.  Look at them below.  They are fucking fantastic.

Fucking fantastic.  

Even this angle for all of it and those FF shoes is better.  So add in the shoes and the dress concept and I am sold.  

I have a couple of favourites and this is one of them.  She is just stunning in this.  I love when she really goes for it.  

The colours on her, or lack thereof are perfect.  

Social media apparently is up in arms about how she claps.  It's in the link below.  Apparently she doesn't know how too or has flippers instead of hands.  Or has giant hands.  Who knows.  I just hope they solve this.  I mean it's so important.  

is that you flipper?




I don't know who this is but I hope they sent her home to change.



Bond, James Bond.  It could be done people.




I pulled it all out of my grandpas drawer and put it all on.  And it worked, and always does, for this man. 



This is Pharrell's creative director partner in their production company. She's an arty fartsy type, and an obvious genius, just watch Hidden Figures.  But this doesn't mean she has to do this on the red carpet.  The hair, wrong.  Not the grey, I love her natural grey.  But the dress is my grandmas.  While he can steal everything from the closet and wear it doesn't mean you should.  That hair should have been slicked up or out in a slick ponytail.  The sleeves on this dress are horrid and if you go with the high low it should be higher and lower and you MUST wear a full kick ass heal.  Otherwise drop that hem to the ground girl to cover up them shoes.  This is a fail honey and I know you can do better.  



Nope.  I've got nothing.  It's reminding me of patterned toilet paper.   I hate the neckline.  





Oh, now it's a quilt.  For a baby's bed.  She is so gosh darn beautiful.  Silly girl, you need a stylist or to hire a new one.  

The dress is gorgeous.  She is gorgeous.  But something is off.  Her face looks off.  I don't know what it is, can you figure it out?  Let me know in the comments.   I can't figure it out. 
  



There is an Empire and I am the Queen of it.  Kiss my ring bitch.  (Indeed I would).  I thought the dress was black until I found this close up.  I love it even more.  



Fuck seriously, look at her.  



Yup, just get the fuck out of my way.  Taraji comin' thru!



Lately she's been picking solid bold colours and simple fabrics (albeit one was sequins but you couldn't see that on TV).  She is using her skin colouring as an accessory and fuck me if it doesn't work better than all the Lieghtons, Tiffanys, and Winstons of the world.  This is my second favorite to the yellow she wore to the Globes.  But my first when it comes to her hair and makeup.  She looks amazing.  Youthful, glowing, and gorgeous.  




Viola Davis is going to be one of those actors we talk about like we talk about Meryl Streep right now.  You know, largely underrated.  LOL  I can't help myself. 

For the finals of the nights we have the whites.  I figured it was about time they waited at the end of the line.  

I think this is the 16 year old Moana singer.  Who got up on stage at the Oscars and killed it.  At 16!  She's beautiful.   While I am a little bored, this dress is perfect for her angelic self.  I think we are supposed to think seashells by the seashore in Hawaii.  And we did.   Nailed it.    Just like the dancer wearing a big old fabric giant wave did when he hit this poor girl in the head while she was singing.  She didn't even flinch.  Pro.  

Again, not sure who but I am on board with the look.  I think in person where you could make out the detail more it would have been even better.




Girl, no one stands like that.  Your arms look broken.  Relax.  The dress is pretty enough but it's a little flowy so the slicked hair and red lip seems extreme to me with it.  I would have preferred a peach or pink lip and a soft updo.  

I am going to do my Oscar coverage of the show itself in a separate post.  I hope you liked my take on things.  I hope you got some information you didn't have, perhaps a different perspective.  Maybe you got nothing out of this and if that's so, keep it to yourself.  I gained ten pounds writing this so I would prefer you not share.  

Maybe I will do an after party review.  They change their clothes.  I am not kidding, many of them get into another gown, something easier to wear, perhaps even sexier.  A list problems, what to wear to my next gala.  I find it hard to decide what to wear after I've lived in my favorite things so long they start developing their own personalities. 

This was an interesting review.  I've never had so many, "I hate it, no wait, I love it" moments.  What were your thoughts?  Share.  I love sharing.  No really I do.