Mother's Day

I couldn’t understand why they wanted me to take a Grief counselling class when I stayed at The Homewood Health Center in 2014.  I hadn’t lost anyone recently.  I lost a friend in 2007, surely that wasn't still affecting me.  At the very least, I thought I had accepted it. 

“Why am I taking this class”, I asked? 

“Because Nicolle you need to mourn your entire childhood.  You need to grieve it and accept the loss of it.  You cannot get it back, no one is capable of doing that for you.” 

For weeks I wrote about my childhood bringing myself and those around me to tears.  Things were remembered that I had long since thought I’d forgotten or blocked from my memory.  It was both horrific and cleansing all at the same time. 

So that said, if one more person, just one more person says to me, “be grateful your mother is still alive, celebrate her this Mother’s Day”, I am going to lose my shit.

I spent two months in a mental health facility in large part because of my parents.  Our parents mould us, then it's up to us.  Sometimes those moulds are damaged and need to be rebuilt.  My mould is being rebuilt because of the time I spent alone with my mother.  After my parents split my father took off for awhile to get his head back on straight.  While he was looking to straighten his, my mother was losing hers.  And I was alone with her. 

I have forgiven.  I will never forget.  I lost my childhood.  I mourn that like anyone mourns losing someone in death.  Some days are better than others when we mourn.  Triggers can appear out of nowhere and sometimes, we can see them coming in the calendar.

Often times the people who tell me to be grateful for having a mother have lost their own in death.  I understand completely the loss you feel.  I feel that for my childhood.  

Do you remember hiding as a child?  When you hid, did you need to chose places where you could brace yourself against the door?

Do you ever remember falling down a flight of stairs?  Can you remember how you fell?  Or at least have you heard the story of how you fell?

Do you remember having a broken bone and a cast?  Remember how cool casts were?  Do you remember how you broke your bones? 

Until you've walked in someone else's shoes, please stop telling them to celebrate having shoes.   

Mother’s Day is one of the hardest days of the year for me.   Every year on Mother's Day I feel horrible guilt for not reaching out to my mother.  I feel this overwhelming need to beg her forgiveness for not being a good enough daughter.  I feel ashamed because I know better.  I feel sad because I miss my mom while at the same time I know I miss what she never really was.  My mother was an actress.  In the presence of others she was a great mother and then when we were alone, it all disappeared.  I feel hurt because I truly believe my mother doesn't love me.  Perhaps she doesn't know how to.  That fact doesn't make it hurt any less.  I am jealous of every one of you that truly get to celebrate Mother's Day.  I am incredibly envious that your mothers love you unconditionally.  And I am angry when you don’t know well enough not to say to me, “be grateful for what you have".  Twice a year, her birthday and Mother’s Day, I struggle greatly with all of that.  

I know my mother was, correct that, she is sick.  She suffers like me, from mental illness.  My mother refuses to admit anything in our relationship was in any way difficult.  She has said, "her childhood was perfectly happy".  Many, doctors, family, friends have said that my mother simply does not accept the reality around her as being true.  She manipulates the truth to suit her needs at any given time.  What she sees and others see are two completely different things.  I sympathize with all of this, because it means she is actually ill.  As you know, I am a big supporter of people suffering with mental illness BUT, I was a helpless, lost, child.  Her child.  I needed her.  I’ve always wanted her in my life, and even needed her there.  She has never been there, not without a cost to me.  And that hurts.  She did the best she was capable of and that is a fact.  A fact that doesn't make it less hard on me but it does remove my anger.  It is what it is, no matter how it came to be.  

I forgive her.  

I don’t live in the past.  I try not to worry about the future.  I live right here.  Here however was moulded and created by influences that were harmful.  I can do nothing about what was, but I can do something about right now.  I can work to make my life today different and easier on me.  I no longer act out all the time based on what was.  I need to think hard about every reaction I have to ensure the reaction is based on what is, instead of what was.  That’s in itself, is hard enough without you confusing your mother with mine.    

I wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms out there who I am so proud of, my friends who are wonderful mothers. 

I wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all the Moms out there who love freely and unconditionally.

I wish a Happy Mother's Day to all the great step Moms out there who've chosen to love unconditionally.

I wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all those who’ve lost wonderful Mother’s.  I hope you are celebrating the unconditional love you received from them.  I hope you are able to celebrate that on this day more than sorrowfully mourning the loss of their presence.  Sadly I know it might be the latter and that today is very hard for you as well.  

I especially wish for a peaceful and Happy Mother’s Day to all the kids out there who spend the day wishing and longing for what never was, and may never be.  Please know, you are still perfection.