Thursday, April 7, 2016

"I need to warn you, I am bigger than I was".


Eating disorders are defined as mental disorders defined by abnormal eating habits that negatively affect a person's physical or mental health.  

Body image is defined as the way you see yourself and imagine how you look. Having a positive body image means that, most of the time, you see yourself accurately, you feel comfortable in your body, and you feel good about the way you look.



I would wager that, if you find yourself having to warn people that you have gained weight, then you have an eating disorder.  At a minimum you have poor body image.  Likely you have abnormally eaten to gain the weight, or conversely finally eaten normally (stopped restricting) and gained weight.  By needing to tell someone you have gained weight, it is obviously negatively affecting your mental health. 

I have done this.

If I haven't seen someone in a very long time, and who's opinion matters (too much really) to me, I will figure out a way to let them know I am heavier.  If I feel my vulnerability will be safe with them, I will tell them very directly that I am anxious about seeing them because, "I am huge".  If I am not that entirely sure of the safety of my feelings with them, which is more often the case, then I will make a few jokes to clearly and definitely let them know, "I am huge".  
I have lost and gained 75 pounds in my lifetime, several times.  When I take control of my eating and restrict my intake, I can take the weight off pretty readily.  However, emotionally I am restricting my feelings then as well.  I am shut off.  I feel nothing for anyone, which keeps me safe from my feelings, which stops the over eating.  During these restrictive periods I often tend to drink too much, and sleep around.  Those habits make up for missing out on the reckless abandon of over eating.  One addiction takes the place of another.  When I am heavy, it's a pretty clear indication that my emotions are raw, and I am feeding them.  I am trying to stomp them down with food.  As I said, one addiction takes the place of another.  

Recently someone felt the need to say the, "I am bigger" warning to me.  

In that second of time I studied my emotional response to being on the receiving end of this warning.  I was curious as to what others might feel when I say it to them.  I was saddened by what felt.  If I am truly honest with myself and with you reading this, I was relieved.  I was relieved that someone else felt the same way I did.  I was relieved that someone else had gained weight like I have.  And I was relieved that I was not alone in the misery (of weight gain).

Then I was truly ashamed of myself.  

It should be noted that due to the shame I felt, I over eat all day thus feeding my shame with more shame.  Pretty smart huh?  Counterproductive much?  This is the perfect example of an eating disorder.  That which makes us feel uncomfortable is shoved away with food.  Which makes us feel more uncomfortable.  So more food is needed.  And so on, and so forth.

This whole post is eating disorder/poor body image talk at it's best and polar opposite to the wonderful body acceptance movement beginning to take place across the world right now.  And that is why I am writing this.  I need to take responsibility for my feelings and my part in this vicious cycle of poor body image. 

If you have never felt the horrible nagging need to tell someone you've gained a few pounds, (or conversely brag about your weight loss), then you likely don't have an eating or body image disorder.  People with them, even to the smallest degree, value themselves almost entirely by their weight.  They cannot see themselves past their own weight change and often then focus on the same in others as well.  

Do you know who causes eating disorders and poor body image in women?  Mostly women, other women.  We do this to ourselves.  We bond over the shame of weight gain.  We celebrate weight loss.  And we are jealous and envious of another's deemed success.   A success being defined as weight loss.  WE, are doing this.  Women are.  And we need to stop.

How many of you have said recently, "Jesus, Melissa McCarthy ever look great.  She's lost a ton of weight".

Ever looked at another woman's photo and thought, "fuck she looks great, I wish".  Have you gone as far as to say, "OMG you look fucking amazing, so jealous".  Basically we are saying, "you look great and I hate you for it because I have no self esteem".   Or how about when you look at a person's picture on Facebook and you think, "oooooh she's gained weight, thank god I am not the only one".  Feeding this.  I am feeding these diseases.  

If you have never done any of the above, you have a solid self worth.  A solid acceptance of your body.  You couldn't possibly comprehend what I am talking about although I would bet you've thought, "oh, she's so big, I bet she's unhappy, maybe I could help".  Just that thinking alone that, "big means unhappiness or ugly", feeds this.  So you're not entirely off the hook. 

I basically wrote all this because I need to be clear that I was ashamed of my response to this women's misery.  I fed it.  I said, "I get it, here's what I ate today, we share a boat and it's called the Good Ship Fatty Pants". I didn't help her.  I didn't make her feel better about herself.  I just climbed aboard her poor body image sinking ship and cut another hole in it for myself.  Fuck.  

So the question remains, how do we fix this?  I know by writing this and waking up to my own shit, helps.  Are you admitting any of this stuff to yourself?  Then I am helping there too.

But really, how can we take it further?
When we see someone, do we say nothing about their looks and stop making one's appearance important at all?  Is that even realistic?

Or do we say, "you look beautiful" making sure we also say it if there's any weight gain in a person thus helping them through any of their own body acceptance issues?

What do you think?  How do we fix us women?  I think we need help.  Least I do.  That's been proven really.








I would like to thank Ashley Graham, Brittany Gibbons and Tess Holliday who are making body acceptance the norm.  These three women, and more, are rewriting the definition of beauty for women all over the world.  And they have made me a better person for it.  I wouldn't be writing this if it weren't for them making me think every single day that I need love more and judge less negatively when it comes to body image.  




Thank you.

Love,
Nicolle







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