Friday, May 19, 2017

The house is so empty.....

When you left today, when I felt you go, I knew this house would be immediately too big for us.  And it is.  I had to put everything of yours away.  Not to forget you no, that's impossible. It's just so that I don't think of the minute you left me every time I see something of yours.  I mean let's be honest, your stuff was everywhere as this was as much your house as it was mine.   

I will never forget you, I could never forget you.  That's impossible.

My living room could fit another couch where your big bed once sat all covered in pillows, blankets and sheets a foot deep.  The toys piled high surrounding it, so that from any angle you could see, smell or touch them even if you couldn't play with them, had to go too.  When I finally got up from where I lay with you I stepped on one of your squeaky toys and it broke my heart all over again.  So they're gone now too.  For now.  

My bedroom is so empty.  It's just plain old empty.  It's cavernous without you.  Even with the king sized bedroom set it's empty because your king sized bed is gone.  And that damn Costco "Big Dog" you've had at your side since you were three, he's gone too.  I couldn't see him and not see you.   I had a good cry on the floor with him before he went with everything else to the storage room downstairs.  Mommy will go in there one day when she's ready.  

Again, I remind you Boo that it's all been put away not to forget you and move on like you were never here, but so that I can actually move forward instead of staying put, right where I let you go, forever.  

I wonder if I will finally sleep tonight?  Or will I check on you every hour on the hour still?  God I hope not, I don't want to cry at the empty space where you once laid all night long.  I think we will insert a sedative here.   A girl can't do everything on her own.

I just went into the kitchen and was stunned at the kitchen table now with all four chairs around it in the middle of the room where more than half your bed use to be.  Your feeding stand and your paw printed mat are gone.  I don't think I will bake for a little while.  I'm not sure I want to without someone staring at me the whole time.  

I've wandered the house several times making sure all evidence of you is found and put away.  I can't be caught off guard by a random ball or toy on one of my bad days.  On one of those days I am not sure I can handle what life is doling out.  I don't want to come across something that will take me back to this day, now the worst day of my life.  The day I was forced, the day I had no choice but to say goodbye to my best friend.  

I can't thank you enough Riley Roo for holding on until Mommy found reasons more than you to live every day.  And I have so I will be okay schnooddle butt.  At least it feels like I will be okay, and most surprisingly so.  I think you did that, I think you knew exactly when you could go.  I also believe you held on until the last minute so that when it came to make this decision there was no doubt in my mind that I was doing the right thing.  I will never doubt it was your time, not ever.  There is so much comfort in both of those things and you gave that to me because you loved me that much.  I wasn't sure I could love you anymore, and then I did.  

I love you Roo Roo.  You made me smile and laugh every day, almost hourly.  It will never be the same to come home and not see you in the window at the front door.  Or lately, just your big old head popped up from your living room bed.  

I guess now I will have to ask Dan every three hours or so if he has to have a "hurry up".  I am sure he won't mind if I do that all night tonight.  Sound sleep tonight, on the first night you're gone, doesn't seem right, not right at all.  Sleeping peacefully makes me feel nothing but guilt and sadness. 

I know I did the right thing, your eyes told me so.  You were tired, sore, and not feeling well at all.  Those beautiful brown eyes were no longer full off puppy joy.  They were tired, just plain old tired and more than a little sad that your old body wouldn't keep up.  

I know I did the right thing today when I felt you leave.  Your face was in my hands, my face next to yours, noses touching like the first time I fell in love with you.  You came into my life that way so it is fitting that you left the same way.  I know you knew I was there and that it was okay to finally go to sleep.  Your eyes stayed closed with mine the entire time and that's how I know you were ready and at peace.  

Daddy's okay love, he's crying a lot but he carried you out of this house because he knew it was his job to always take care of you that way.  He always rescued you when you needed lifting.  I think he needed that.  He will be okay in time.  He wants to go for a walk tomorrow morning.  Maybe you could come along okay?  We will feel you, I promise.    

We didn't want her too but Maria found out today Love Bug and she isn't doing very well. She and a friend came running over to see you after you left and Dan had to stop them in the driveway.  He had to tell her she couldn't come in.  I wasn't ready for her yet as he knew I was still in the fetal position where you left me.  She was told out of need, and she wasn't ready.  At least Dan and I got to see you so sick, tired, and ready.  She saw you just days ago and then you had only begun your journey down hill.  You were still very much your silly self.

Apparently our little sweetie has since been playing only to remember you are gone and then finds a corner to sit and sob in.  Once I got myself a little sedated I went to see her for you.  I know you would want me to make sure she was okay, you loved her so.  I arrived and she was in play mode in the pool.  I was happy to see it, I know you would have been too.  But when she saw me she screeched, climbed out of the pool and ran across the deck launching herself into my arms.  We sat for awhile and I just let her sob in my arms.  Then we talked all about you Boo Boo until she started shivering from the cold so I laid down on the deck as she climbed back into the warmth of the pool and we talked some more.  She's going to miss you so much buddy but she's happy you aren't in pain anymore and that you are puppy pouncing with your brothers and sisters again.  Don't you worry, we promised each other to become even better BFAEs now and take care of each other.  We are going to have a little ceremony for you soon.  You will love it I am sure.  She is starting the planning tonight in bed.  She said to listen for her when she prays tonight, it will be for you. 

My sweet sweet boy, you touched so many.  You gave me a reason to live for so long.  I am so sorry that at one point it wasn't enough, I promise you that was not your fault.  And god how I love you for waiting to go until you knew that you weren't the only reason I live.  You're the best friend a girl could ever have asked for.  I love you.  

I am not sure how I will know it's bed time tonight?  Maybe Dan will start barking around 11pm and let me know.  

Sleep tight my furry son, Mommy loves you.  Say hi to Daisy, Maggie, Vegas, Tilly and the rest of the crew.  

*swallow* that's me taking my 3rd valium in as many hours.  

RIP Riley Roo Weir 11/26/03 - 5/19/17

1 comment:

  1. Love you Nicolle. I know how hard it is. I feel Daisy around me everyday. I know Riley will be with you too. XO