Neil Patrick Harris came across forced. He was often found stammering for lost words, pushing bad jokes down out throats, and staring his way through awkward pauses. I am pretty sure the world will agree with me that no one, other than a comedian, should ever host an award show like that again. I love NPH, I do. But it was awful. I haven't seen a fail that bad since I watched Maria Menounos try to make her way through the Red Carpet at the Golden Globes.
In a nod to the movie Birdman, at one point NPH came out in his tighty whitey undies saying, "acting is a noble profession". That got a laugh, albeit a forced one. I am sure it was only because he was given credit for wearing his gitch in front of a billion people and there was no chance he was going to win an Oscar for that unlike Keaton.
The one line I did like was, "the presenters will be getting over $160,000 in gifts, can you believe that? Trips, jewellery, an armoured car for when the revolution comes".
That's unreal. $160,000 and people in America are starving! Here is a list of some of the items in those wee gift bags (and my comments inside the brackets). (I would present too if I were Jennifer Aniston and got snubbed for a nomination. All her Christmas shopping done, in one night).
A $1,500 three-night stay at a resort in Tuscany. (This goes to the gardener).
A luxury train journey through the Canadian Rockies worth $14,500. (The nanny or housekeeper).
French Mediterranean sea salts worth $1,500. (This is to steam your nether regions with I hear).
A silver necklace bearing the latitude and longitude of the Dolby Theater where the Oscars were held worth $150. (This is left at the bar later that night).
A glamping trip (glamorized camping) valued at $12,500. (These are all given to Matthew McConaughey)
A $800 cotton candy and dessert voucher. (I have written in asking that these all go to Giuliana Rancic).
A $250 Haze vaporiser. (These all go to Woody Harrelson)
A $250 Afterglow vibrator. (I don't know about you, but once I have my glow I don't need anything "after").
A Wellness 360 gift pack worth $1,200. (This means one night at Rehab).
A full year of Audi A4 car rental worth $20,000. (Fuck off...really?)
A Reset Yourself makeover package coming in at over $14,200. (aka Botox)
A $20,000 gift certificate giving you the ability to have Enigma Life founder Olessia Kantor come and meet all the nominees individually and offer insight on "their 2015 horoscope, analyze dreams and teach them mind control techniques. (Cult membership. Scientology wouldn't cough anything up).
Let's continue to review shall we. Because the awkwardness, only got better. I will be using various forms of the word "awkward" every other sentence in this post.
Below are two producers who won for a documentary. The woman on the left was accepting the award and she went on a little long so they cut to the music. She then mentioned her son's suicide and the music was immediately stopped to allow her to finish. She told the world that we need to talk about suicide more. It was a poignant moment, one where NPH could have come out and honored that. Instead, commemorating her ridiculous outfit, he said, "it took balls to wear that".
While I agree with the comment, (it takes balls to wear balls), it was entirely inappropriately timed.
Throughout the evening NPH kept referring to a locked box on stage with his Oscar predictions in it. He asked Octavia Spencer to watch "his box" all night long, "no bathroom breaks, no snacks". He repeated the snack part which I found a little offensive considering he was talking to a chunky monkey. There is no need to tell me not to snack twice. We all know I will. Then he asked Robert Duvall to help keep an eye on Octavia to which Duvall replied with, absolutely nothing. He appeared to have been completely unaware he was part of the bit and really didn't care either. Insert awkward pause here, again.
The only good thing I can say about NPH last night was how cute he and his husband are and his first tux, in grey, was fantastic. Even if a little short in the legs reminding me of.....
Well let's get on with the show as they say. Considering the telecast went well after midnight and I was up at 530am, I need a nap. Let's put this bitch to bed shall we. I mean the piece, well and me.
Here is my fashion run down with tidbits about the evening. I need to remind everyone that I am a pro, and by that I mean my I know absolutely nothing about much. This whole schpeel is generated solely for shits and giggles. My opinion in regards to all of this does NOT matter and shall therefore, NOT be held against me. If you find yourself offended, my job here is done.
Oh....snap.
I actually prefer the pink one. That's Robert Duvall's wife. Luciana something or other. There is a stylist in a whole lot of shit right now in Hollywood. How dare someone wear the same, or even similar dress to Miss Lo. And frankly, wear it better. You're gonna git it gurl. I don't know what "it" is, but it ain't gonna be good. For the record, Robert Duvall played Robert Downey Jr's father in The Judge. This girl, could be Robert Downey's sister. *shudder* Having that old turd, (watch the movie and you will get it), climb up on ya.....*shudder*
Here is JLo up closer. The dress is as pretty as she is but.....the pink is better if you ask me. Which you did, or you wouldn't be here, reading this.
Nobody poses like JLo poses.
The face, the skin, the "Globes". They don't always have to be screaming to be released. The pink lips really throw me. They just don't match the look. A nude lip, beige, even mahogany....but pink? You may have the skin of a 20 year old, and even the thighs, but the lips don't lie. Wait?
She FINALLY did it for me. This dress is the perfect haute couture whimsy for this beautiful pregnant young woman. I love this. I love everything about this.
Whimsy, meet Hard Core.
I get that you are Lady G, but these gloves, are ridiculous. You do NOT wear rubber gloves for washing dishes on the red carpet, even if they are red. And as if you wash dishes?!! That's not the point I know but really. Least she isn't wearing pork chops I suppose.
If you missed last night, Miss Lady G got on stage and sang a medley of songs from the Sound of Music for it's 50th Anniversary. Frankly no pop star right now has the range and power to do it the justice she did. People don't realize how truly talented she is because she is nothing short of, well, odd. She has an amazing voice. After her performance, the entire audience gave her a standing ovation which brought the mighty Lady to tears and she became visibly choked up. Then out came the one and only Julie Andrews which threw Gaga off even more and they hugged for a few minutes as the applause continued.
I cried like a little girl watching the Sound of Music for the first time wishing desperately to be "16 going on 17".
Here is the performance. I really recommend watching it, it's worth it.
Now that we are on the performance and song track, we will keep going. Common and John Legend sang the theme from Selma and they too, just killed it. Much like at the Grammy's, it was perfection. So much so it brought David Oyelowo from the movie to tears. They panned to him after the song, (titled perfectly, just "Glory"), and he had tears running down his face, as did Chris Pine and others. It truly is an unforgettable song that I think will be attached to this movement, the movement for equality and civil rights, for a very long time.
Here is that performance along with their acceptance speech as rightly so, they won.
Common sure has a way with them words.
And speaking of Oyelowo, come on with this suit. Just love it.
I am pretty sure he borrowed it from Jennifer Aniston.
Who, by the way, killed it on the red carpet last night.
Perfection. Just her. Hair down, simple dress, showing ever so slightly those perfect legs. Thank Christ there is no belly chain, I was getting tired of that thing and her breasts.
*sigh*
I want to be friends with Jen. She would like me. I am sure of it. If she likes Chelsea Handler she would lurve me. I can be even nastier, AND, nicer. Jen Aniston just appears like she doesn't care anymore about jack shit. She just wants to do her job, love her man, and be.
Here she is grabbing the ass of Kate Hudson at the Golden Globes.
Here she is trying to hail a ride at the same show.
Here she is greeting Emma Stone last night.
Taking a picture with Isla Fisher's unborn child.
And photo bombing JLo.
She just looks like fun (even if in that last photo JLo has filtered her to within an inch of her life).
I want it said that this filtering was created for humans. That's us JLo. As if you need this shit. Give us the app back.
Here is something that doesn't look like fun. Being kissed by John Travolta on the red carpet. Or so this is what the rag mags all said immediately upon this happening last night.
SURPRISE!
I am trying to maintain my sexiness, but WTF?
Is he begging forgiveness or for her brother's phone number here?
PS She is stunning. The dress, stunning. The colour, stunning. The dicky of jewels, not so much.
Here is John on the red carpet with his pretend wife Kelly. John rocked the accessories last night with a dog chain necklace versus a tie (no hints there), his face, and hair. They are both paid for, and are as costly as the Fred Leighton's other gals choose instead.
Seriously it's him, not a Madame Tussauds.
This little bit (see "UGH" below) could have been funny, instead....oh. It's embarrassing and sad to watch a comeback fizzle so fast.
On the bright side Idina looked fantastic and carried herself amazingly under the immense pressure of being mishandled in front of a billion people. I'd say "man"handled but who are we kidding?
Yes you are both beautiful. Doesn't make me want to slap her any less. Put some god damn clothes on. This is the Oscars.
And this was the Super Bowl.
We get it, your stunning.
Put some clothes on!
Oh fuck, whatever.
Adam performed last night as well. He just took off his tux jacket and sang. I find that with him and Maroon 5 when it's all edited, I love it, but live, the highness of the voice doesn't always appeal to me.
Apparently it does to Behati, here is her classic reaction to his performance.
"That's right ladies, I am going home with that tonight!"
Don't get me wrong please. I'd throw my husband into oncoming traffic for 5 minutes with Adam Levine.
Because I love this so much, and frankly am obsessed with them, here is my favorite Adam/Behati video which I am sure will make you fall in love too but it's so ridiculous.
Everyone is very much up in arms about Cate Blanchett last night and her plain black dress and country western Navajo necklace. First off, it's Cate Blanchett. Unless you are her, shut up. Secondly, it's a statement necklace. And per everyone in fashion these days, it's all the rage. This necklace is making a statement alright, it's stating, "I am on the neck of the Queen, bite me".
Again, whatever.
That's how you do boobs.
Look at him look at her. *sigh* again.
These two met on the set of Step Up, the original movie. The original being the only one that is halfway....okay yeah, none of them are any good unless you watch solely for the dancing. These two can both dance and apparently, at the after parties, they hit the dance floor hard. At home, they have dance offs. I love them. And yes, I will be watching Magic Mike part deux. Because he is hot. That's why.
Two different pictures, two different times, same hands in pocket look. I am no expert but hasn't this look gone to the "What's Not Hot" file? I just don't understand why every picture her hands are in there. What is she hiding in there? Or worse yet, what is she doing in there?
These two are just adorable. I have nothing bad to say here. Accept I could do without their taxidermy hobby. Yup, he hunts and taxiderms and she collects the same apparently. Match made in "creep me the fuck out" heaven.
Well isn't this sweet.
Until this.
You know this kids' PR agent is just losing it somewhere yelling at the TV, "yes I saw it, it was great....YES I SAW IT, IT WAS GREAT. NEVER NO!!!!!"
I can't hold back. Melanie's face scares the bejeezus out of me. "Melanie meet 65 year old Meryl. I will leave you two to chat".
I like it. I do. The youthful hair with the sleek dress. Well done pervert, well done.
ONLY Emma Stone could pull off these colours. Sagey like green with Coral lips. Only her. I love the yellowy shoe. Yes, I can end all words in "y" for added affect. Listen, if John Travolta can make up names, faces and hair, I can make up a word or two.
The neckline, the bodice, her sweet face. Then the dress threw up all over the place. Don't like it.
Don't shoot me but I like this dress. I do. I think without the flower it would have been amazing like most are saying but I like the flower. I don't know why. Maybe I am just exhausted or I missed a pill last night. Who knows. I do know that with this flower she should have her hair up messily and not be wearing her grandma's costume earrings. The flower is MORE than enough.
I fucking knew it. Jesus loves powder blue.
Jesus' feet are huge.
Hmmmmm?
She looks amazing in this, and in general. But this buttery ("y") colour is great on her skin tone.
JHud sang last night as well. She did a memoriam performance. Sang a song to remember those lost. And I hated everything about it. She came out talking all reverently like she knew the people who passed then at the end of her performance she looked to heaven (or the ceiling as some of us refer to it) and gave praise. *rolls eyes*
Not sure you need the sparkle, boobs, then sparkle again. Little overkill. But I'd shove my tits to the ceiling and wear that necklace if someone paid me too as well.
I wanna whine about the colour of the dress and her skin but I can't. This is just perfection and her smile is that, "I am pretty sure I am going to win an Oscar". And she did.
I don't know who this is, I know I wanna slap her. Maybe then she would fall out of those stupid shoes.
*snore*....oh I am sorry, did you say something?
This dress is so cool. Just like her. But the necklace and the purse both compete with the dress. Oh and heads up, Taylor Swift called, she wants her bangs back.
Yer face!!!!!
Shut up already!
Last night it was pouring rain in LA. Lupita got out of her car and....*gasp*....held her OWN UMBRELLA!!!! Stars fainted all over the carpet. The others whispered to their handlers asking, "How do I do that? Do I have to now?"
Those that didn't get to an umbrella on time started shrieking, "I am melting".
If you're a bombshell and you know it, clap yer hands.
The show does go for hours. In case she has to poop she has a diaper.
She was spoofing the Angelina leg moment. I love her.
Taking a selfie with JLo. (Again with the filter, come on!)
MEH. Not a fan of tube tops.
She almost fell on stage again. I have no idea who lent her their feet but.
During the red carpet Naomi and her Publicist (I am guessing), were waiting to speak with Ryan Seacrest. When he finished with another actor they tried to push their way in before another actor. They missed. Instead, that actor, the kid from the Footloose remake stepped in. It was awesome. In large part because he was in the Footloose remake but also because if you haven't seen Whiplash, you should. He was amazing in it and deserved to be on that carpet and representing. He didn't even notice her.
Now, to be nice, and honest, it didn't seem to faze Naomi but her Pubic-ist (yes aware) seemed pissed.
I like the colour combo, I do. I must have missed my meds. But the textures are so wrong. Plastic belt with sparkles screams, "my two year old helped me get dressed".
Even though this picture is creepy I wanted to show that she found her face again. Look at it, it's almost moving.
When your bestie is the richest woman on the planet you can do better than this.
Oprah, see your best friend above. You could have helped. Look at you go. Share the wealth girl.
It's so nice she let Stedman out.
I just adore this quirky little wingnut. I think this was her best award show look.
On the red carpet Patricia Arquette boldly announced that instead of getting a manicure for the "ridiculous mani-cam", she started a charity to support ecological waste management that day. I don't know if it matters but I let it mellow yesterday so I too, started my own waste management charity.
Miss Arquette won last night and when she did, she ended her speech with a call out for equality in the workplace for all women. (Hollywood executives gathered to hire a hit man shortly thereafter. How the hell do you pay Meryl Streep what she's actually worth?)
Meryl and JLo (the oddest seating chart couple I've seen yet) liked her speech apparently.
However, Miss Arquette then went backstage and made a comment to the likes of, "gays and coloured people need to fight for women now". Which has everyone up in arms because gays can be women! Oh and so can people of different skin colours than white. They too come in the female form. I know, well I hope I know, what she meant to say, that it's time for women, all women, to get equal pay but it d'int come out right, at all. Whoopsie.
Does anyone else wonder if Arquette is a little disappointed with herself for signing on to do CSI before winning all this shit?
Reese, knocked it out of the park again. Well done girl.
Now MissThang, we need to talk about this #askhermore hubabaloo. Apparently Reese is making noise about women and the award shows being all about clothes and not the "art". I understand that you want to get credit for being more than a mannequin. And I think that point is very valid. There should be more than,"who are you wearing?" That said, when you don't collect a million dollars to hock anti-aging creams, make up products, clothing and accessories, and the steaming of one's va-jay-jay....then, and only then, can you celebrities complain to me about my wanting to know which designer you are wearing. The designer whom you paid nothing to wear their clothes.
I barely knew of Rita Ora. I knew she was a pop singer and British. Now I know she can sing and has lovely taste. She did really well for a newbie on the carpet.
Get her dressed, CHECK.
Fix her broken Barbie arms.....DAMN!
Really lovely but someone has to fix her. One hand on the hip, all it takes.
And the Oscar for the best dressed goes to.....Miss Crazy Pants. (see Gone Girl if you haven't).
I'm gonna bite yer face off. Sienna Miller. Beautiful as always. Fierce.
Nope. Just nope.
Twins. Like two months ago if that. Gave birth to two babies, at one time. I guess that's why she needed the god awful straps. Hold up the baby feeders. Otherwise, ridoncolous.
What else happened last night? Let me think.
Glen Campbell's song was honored. It was sung by Tim (Lord am I handsome) McGraw. It was Oscar nominated and lovely. Glen Campbell wrote the song as he started to drift into the onset of Alzheimer's. Just when he still had enough sense to know what was happening he penned this song. I want you to hear his version of it. And the lyrics are below. It's not much of a song until you realize where his mind was when he wrote it, then it hits you. Common and John Legend deserved the win for Glory but I think you will appreciate this song especially if you know anyone affected with Alzheimer's.
Lyrics
I'm still
here, but yet I'm gone
I don't play guitar or sing my songs
They never defined who I am
The man that loves you 'til the end
I don't play guitar or sing my songs
They never defined who I am
The man that loves you 'til the end
You're the
last person I will love
You're the last face I will recall
And best of all, I'm not gonna miss you
Not gonna miss you
You're the last face I will recall
And best of all, I'm not gonna miss you
Not gonna miss you
I'm never
gonna hold you like I did
Or say I love you to the kids
You're never gonna see it in my eyes
It's not gonna hurt me when you cry
Or say I love you to the kids
You're never gonna see it in my eyes
It's not gonna hurt me when you cry
I'm never
gonna know what you go through
All the things I say or do
All the hurt and all the pain
One thing selfishly remains
All the things I say or do
All the hurt and all the pain
One thing selfishly remains
I'm not
gonna miss you
I'm not gonna miss you
I'm not gonna miss you
You've probably heard everything else. Eddie Redmayne won Best Actor for his portrayal of Stephen Hawking and rightly so. While Birdman is an incredibly artist movie, Michael Keaton played Michael Keaton, once a famed character. Eddie however, convincingly played another human being who happens to be one of the brightest minds on the planet and suffers from a tremendously horrific disease. I agree with this Oscar. I do. Comebacks are great but let's give credit where it's due.
It should be noted in keeping with great questions on the carpet, and ABC Correspondent asked Eddie if playing Stephen Hawking physically, "must have hurt?" You could see in Eddie's face he was thinking, "perhaps, but I think actually being Stephen Hawking in Stephen Hawking's ALS riddled body, hurts more". But he changed the subject. Well done lad, well done.
The Imitation Game Screenplay writer won for best adapted Screenplay and when accepting told a billion people he tried to commit suicide as a teen because he was weird. He proceeded to tell a billion people that if they were weird, they would be okay as he was, on stage, in front of a billion people. I am loving all these people talking of mental illness. It's happening. Right before our eyes. Change.
Alejandro González Iñárritu's won for best original screenplay and best director for Birdman. And then again, for best picture. In handing out that award Sean Penn read the contents of the envelope and said, "Who gave this son of a bitch a green card?" Stunning all of, the world. From what I can gather, he almost broke the internet. People went nuts. What people don't know, they are friends. They are both Directors and Producers and he was trying to make a joke. Was it appropriate? NOPE. Fail. Alejandro has gone on to say it was a joke and he thought it was hilarious but people are saying Sean Penn ruined the Oscars. I beg to differ. The Oscar writer's ruined the Oscars. Sean Penn was just stupid.
Michael Keaton was wonderful when his movie won saying, "it's great to be here. Really, listen, who am I kidding?" Nothing like a little humility to end the night.
And I will leave it there. I am sure I am missing little moments here and there but really, if you want it all you need to watch it. I can't do everything. I am only human after all. I eat chips, burp, and grow hair on my legs like everyone....who wasn't at the Oscars last night.
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