DBPW - Day 56 Peachy keen MOFOs, Peachy keen...

And there she is, Aunt Flo.  She arrived just in time to make me question whether I am Bi Polar or not.  I am going to start tracking her for the next months before the hysterectomy and see if all of this has been hormones.  Now I am abundantly aware all Bi Polar people or most, want off their meds at some point or another, they think themselves well.  I do not.  I do not care if I have to take meds or not but I sure as fuck want to know if all this time it’s been hormones.   Maybe I don’t have to get antsy and jumpy every afternoon on the meds though.  NO this is not something I would do without my shrink and medical doctor both living in my house through it.  (*whew* that would be an expensive few months).

Just to note here; it’s very doubtful because I am sure I have had these OCD obsession attacks outside of the realm of PMS time. 

I am much better today mindset wise.  I still don’t give a fuck about much but I don’t also give a fuck about leaving.  I felt pretty determined the other day that if the factors were right I would have considered it seriously.  Today, I just don’t care. 

I have my period so I’ve slept most of the day and my back is beyond sore, it’s officially out.  Don’t know how, per earlier, don’t care.   I care about, my kids.  They are just such little a**holes really but I love them so much.  She is the laziest human on the planet, beyond lazy, like slug lazy.  But she’s witty and beautiful and when I am around I am the one she comes too.  *sigh*  I love that.  “I want Nicolle”.  And he, we are just buddies, he’s my dude. 

Then there’s my husband, who worked outside in freezing cold water all day long, more than 8 hours I would bet, soaking wet and freezing to get water back on.  He didn’t care if we had it, he knew I did.  He is the most successful man I’ve ever known, nothing stops him.  A car breaks, he fixes it.  The water breaks, he fixes it.  I break, he tries so hard to fix me.  *tears*

 

Because we have a lakefront property we pull water from the lake.  We have a pipe out maybe 15-20 feet from the shore line.  The pipe comes up out of the ground at the edge of the property and makes its way out to the water.  The Trent lowered the lake by about 4 feet.  They do this so when the snow and ice (and there's a lot) melts, the area and lake doesn't flood.  They control the water levels in all the lakes attached to the water highway called The Trent Severn Waterway.  So in addition to the 4 feet they dropped the lake we have at least 3 feet of ice out there.  They dropped the ice, the heavy heavy ice, right onto our water pipe thus stopping us from drawing in any water.  My husband had to spend all day cutting 3 feet by 3 feet cubes of ice and pull them from the lake to feed a new pipe.

 

I couldn't help after watching him work until exhaustion that I had some internal work to do.  He doesn't deserve a wife who can't let go and who obsesses about the negative.  I guess the good side is when I am obsessing I shut right down and things like no water mean nothing, I don't get upset.  It's not important as I am hurting so badly inside.  With that said I decided to make today about forgiveness because I have some forgiving to do.  I don't know how to do it but I know I need to.   There are two people out there living their lives having really disturbed mine whether meaning to or not.  I need to work every day to a place of forgiveness.  I have worked on why they did what they did.  I have worked on how and why I reacted in a way that was dictated by my past and not their actions directly.  But forgiveness will end the obsessiveness and perhaps I will forgive myself.   And I will.

 

 

It's true, your words become your destiny.  When I first reacted to the things that happened to us between the friends I mentioned, the words that came out with were laden with hate.  I was hurt I wanted them to hurt.  And hurt they did.  They ended the friendships in the end even after I said I was sorry, I apologized for my over-reaction.  It was too late.  They could not only see how they behaved poorly in the first place but couldn't get past my deliberate return fire.  It hurt when they wouldn't acknowledge their behaviour and then they wouldn't forgive me for mine when I was willing to do that for them.  It hurts when what you are willing to give is not being given back.

 

 

Let it go.  It is what it is, until it isn't, then it's something else.

 

Your beliefs can change.  Your assumptions must.  Nothing means anything until you decide it does.  Looking back is re-interpreting something that's already happened.  And that's okay if you ensure that you are working on re-interpretation.  As I said yesterday, ensuring you know you are looking at an orange, calling it an orange, and not trying to make it an apple.  Apples to oranges that won't work.  The projection you make out for the future is your past if you aren't ever in the now.  What you are in the now helps to project where you will end up.  I am in the now, I am nuts.  Future holds, sensai says, "nuts".

 

 

This man, this ever peaceful man will be teaching at my writing course in May.  I cannot hardly wait.  OMG, two days ago I didn't want to go!  I am coming back to the human race again, thank god. 

 

 

When they didn't taste, I didn't taste.  We both failed.

 

 

Someone thinks I am doing the "write" thing (yes the spelling is my way of being witty).

 

Both of the people I struggle with took advantage of me as a giver, they took advantage knowing I was sick, and they never gave me room to accept my flaws (my disease and temper) and accept me for who I was.  I had them until they both lied and cheated me.  I don't draw the line at being used, I draw it at the lying.  Cheating me out of money when I am a giver is too much to take.  All my other friends won't let me get away with being overly generous, they ensure I am not, they call me on it, they stick to it.  They are my true peeps.  

 

 

Oh I need to say this one over and over.  I might make this a t-shirt.  I need to stop helping people with their issues but most of all I need to accept these two cancelled their subscription to mine and I to theirs and it's better this way.  It is.  Their issues are fraught with fraudulent behaviour. It's what happens when you cannot be authentic but claim only to be.

 

 

I am greater than any obstacle, I am greater than Bi Polar.  I AM.  I almost believe it today, almost.

 

This is a toughy.  To think that people you once said "I love them so" are living their lives likely without ever sweating about the loss of you as a human being is hard.  And because I can have these lows I go to a place of "they don't care, anyone can leave you, why stay".  I de-value those around me to an equal valuation to the people I don't choose to have in my life.  It's not right.  I don't have my valuations right.  I need to re-calculate/calibrate. 

 

 

And you know who you are, all of you.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.

 

I should focus on that.  She, made me laugh a lot.  Even though she was a lot of work.  He, too, brought me a lot of joy.  He was a lot of work too and frankly they were untruthful in the end.....oh....there's something I should focus on, laughter but lies = let it go.

 

 

You have to stop and think before you act especially REACT and decide if what's about to happen is something you will end up having to say you are sorry for.  Remember, it's like having an affair, might mean nothing to you but your partner is going to make it all about them.  And they may never be able to forgive you for that, not the affair but the action that caused them to second guess their own worth.  We are human, it's what happens.

 

 

I love a lot.

I didn't live gently until these last few years.

Awww damn it, I am always short on the grace shit.  Damn it.

 

 

How'd that get in there?

 

 

 

I will cut you out, I will.  Then I will obsess about why I didn't kick yer ass while you were in my life.  No no, kidding.  I will obsess as to why we had to lose each other. It will always make me sad.

 

 

Both of the people I lost, they had an opportunity to be real, true, and authentic with me and themselves.  To sit down and study why they behaved the way they did.  I've done my part.  I know where I went wrong, I have said my sorry's and I would be willing to work for the harm I did in lashing out.  Neither one of them is.  That not only speaks to their own depth but the value they place on me.....fuck I am really sorting some serious shit out this weekend. 

 

Hmmmmmmm.  To hurt is to learn, to teach is to heal.  I am teaching myself as I write to you how foolish this OCD behaviour is. 

 

How was your weekend?  Mine was peachy keen.