DBPW - Day 31 Insecurities...we all suffer from them...

Hi all.  I am still feeling relatively normal today.  Tired, I was up all night but okay.  You see yesterday I caved entirely to my insecurities.  We all do it at some point.  My husband has been away for two weeks now and I am feeling pretty insecure because I miss him.  When I miss someone I get insecure they might not come back.  That's normal when you have had a Dad leave due to divorce.  A Mom check out mentally because of the same divorce.  Boyfriends leave for other women.  And friends whom you never expected to disappoint you, disappoint you greatly.  While we are supposed to live in the NOW, who I am right NOW, was created all these years through all these experiences.  If I live in the NOW I still live in the brain and body of someone who's been through things.  If you ONLY concern yourself with the NOW then you must also be confident that you can cut off the parts of you defined by your past.  Easier said that done all the time.  Sometimes old habits die hard and our past is simply who we are today. 

Yesterday I messaged my husband multiple times but his phone was dead.  I took it to mean his phone was turned off and from there.....I am not the girl he first fell in love with is where I went with it.  I have changed a great deal.  Superficially, I am heavier and due to that a little less confident, superficially.  Mentally, well wow, talk about change.  I was once an uncaring, independent, girl who worked her ass off and made a ton of money.  Today I am an over caring, co-dependant, girl who doesn't work, she writes.  I care too much, about everything. I am dependant on my husband's existence in my world.  I write everyday but I don't work 18 hours a day and bring in the money I used to. 

I must rid myself of the things that define who I am?  I must redefine myself somehow?

Over caring.  Is that possible?  Yes it sure is.  I can feel more, and do feel more than most.  I will say things to Dan where he replies, "Honey they just don't care like you".  But this means I often find myself hurting.  And Dan can't stand to see that happen.  he doesn't want me to turn off my love, how much I care but at the same time he doesn't want me looking back asking "why did they do that to me, I could never have".  I just care.  I care about strangers feelings.  I care about telling strangers nice things.  I care about helping strangers.  All I get from it is a feeling of love but sometimes, I get rejected very coldly and I don't understand it.  I can't grasp it.  Dan gets frustrated trying to make me understand that not everyone feels the way I feel things. 

I used to be entirely independent, I needed no one.  I mean no one.  Not friends, not family, not a husband.  All that has changed.  I couldn't survive without the friends I have left.  My brother is one of the most important people in my world and my Mom and Dad have an importance they didn't have before.  And Dan, wow, how in the world would I live without him?  I couldn't. 

My friends are important to me, they are.  But there is a limited few that I would turn to in a crisis.  Because too many have left me.  Too many have turned their backs on me.  Too many let me down.  I have two friends that have bonded over the loss of me as their friend I suspect and it pains me so.  I am assuming they have done that, when in fact they probably don't even care that I exist anymore I am so far removed from their care factor as they say.  All I know is I miss them both and they both hurt me tremendously.  But both of them brought a lot of joy to my world, a lot of laughter.  If I look beyond that laughter, I don't see much else.  It was years and years of laughter so it's hard to let go of.  Is laughter enough?  I gave more of my heart and soul to them, just not sure they ever did in return.  If they don't care about the loss of me then they must not appreciate my heart and soul or even know I gave it to them.  

They hurt me so, why can't I let them go?  They did none of the above.  With them I was never fought for, respected, included, encouraged, needed, deserved or stood up for.  Hmmmm makes you think.

 

My brother left my house with my Mother when I was 12, he went with my Dad.  Ever since then I have always wondered if he would turn his back on me again.  He never has, but our relationship has always been greatly one sided with my giving more than I receive.  Probably so he won't leave me again.  While I tried to figure out where I stood with my parents, my brother is the one who stood beside me.   So he's given to me greatly.  But do I trust that love?  About as much as I trust my parents.  And my brother feels the same.  He is forever thanking and apologizing to me for things I do for him and it's because he doesn't feel he deserves the love and affections, the things Dan and I do for him. 

My parents are the usual story, a bad divorce with a child lost in between.  So I want a Mommy and Daddy but I am 43, it's time to get over that.  I have a Mom and Dad, everybody does.  Some still have theirs, some don't.  It's the love they give or gave that makes the difference in a world.  I know people who got perfect love and still question their parents love of them.  And that's a simple insecurity that person carries for whatever reason, it's theirs, they own it.  Whether they ever let go of it, who knows.  Do you?  Do you carry insecurities over your parents love?

I just wanted people out there, reading this, you are not alone.  We all have insecurities, we all carry them with us and while we want to let them go and live in the NOW, they come with us.  They are part of who we are in that NOW. 

 

Remember that please, please, please.  True love of any kind should bring you nothing but a feeling of support, kindness, and safety.

Does this all mean I am not appreciative of the life I have now?  I think not.  I think it means I am human.