DBPW - Day 50 Oh so tired....

I cannot believe, no matter how little or big, I have written to you fine folks for 50 days!  And some of you have read them all.  That's pretty cool, thanks.  I have a couple of book ideas, one being a year in the life of a Bi Polar Woman because more of us gals are finding ourselves diagnosed with this or depression and I think more of us need to know it's not uncommon.  We need to talk about this more.  So I hope, at the end of the year I have something, somewhat, that resembles a book with some insight and tips on how to handle this new life post diagnosis.  I have two other books I am working on as well.  It's all very overwhelming so this, here, is where I think I will be able to pull it together and really have some meat for a decent book.  "Here's how to live a life as a crazy woman!" 

I sometimes wonder if it's enough, if I am enough, if what I say is important enough and then I realize just talking about living through this is enough.  I've read books by people with this disease and they were fascinating in their day to day ups and downs and that's me, day to day, up and down.  Plus I am having a hysterectomy I believe in the next year and that too, will be interesting to see how that affects a woman and whether or not my symptoms, the mood swings, adjust as well.  I wonder if part of my problems are not derived from hormone issues stemming from the uterus.  That baby carrier part of me that's never been used but certainly has made its presence known from the start of things. 

This past weekend was a girls weekend at my home.  I had up a few friends I made during my time playing softball in Toronto.  It was great.  There was only 3 of us, I kept it small.  I had to, I don't do well in large groups anymore.  One person can overwhelm my heightened sensitivities now.  We ate loads of great food, drank silly alcohol girly drinks and watched movies in front of the fire.  In the olden days, you know, 5 years ago before a 4 preceded the number in my age, we would be up until 5am, staggering our way to bed sideways, now, midnight was our latest greatest hour.  In fact, Saturday I couldn't even drink OR make it to midnight as the others did, I only saw 10pm. 

 

Girly drinks 1 and 2 - classy picture with my shirt and all.  Fantastic shot of me.  UGH!  LOL Like I always say, "I am who I am".

 

I bought these drinks in the States, stupidly yummy!

 

 

This is how girls eat on girls weekends.  Guys order pizza if they are lucky enough to remember, girls, we cook bar food.  Table full o' nachos!

We pretty much were united in our movie choices and the fact we had to outrun each other to the bathroom at the funny parts.  "I am peeing already, out of my way".  The Heat is one of the funniest chick movies in a long time and Pitch Perfect is just a fun music chick flick. 

 

 

The best socks ever!  I love these.  Especially on someone 50 plus years young!

 

Friday night being the midnight evening and I probably had 10 drinks.  Maybe less, definitely not more.  I love slushy type drinks and that's what my girlfriend Ruth and I did.  One after the other.  Both of us popping Zantac in between them for the digestive aid.  It's bad when you need to take a pill to take a drink.  You know you should quit when..... I did some investigation this morning and an alcohol induced sleep is not a good sleep.  You will go to sleep fast but have a restless night.  Really?  I would never have guessed that seeing 5am on the clock pass by without a half hours sleep.  I thought it was a manic episode (high Bi Polar time) due to the socialization environment but it seems booze does this to a girl.  In the past I was still awake partying at 5am so I must not have noticed the lack of sleeping abilities.  By the time I laid in bed though my back was in agony and in doing said research I realized that when you have joint issues as I do, back and shoulder, the alcohol thins the blood causing more blood to flow into the joints causing swelling and pain.  It's so true.  Saturday I had only two drinks, felt the pain come on and just packed it in.  Couldn't do it.  I was in bed Saturday by ten pm and slept again, restlessly through the night.  Still faced the pain but at least that night I could take a bit of medication.  I didn't think it wise Friday with the ten pack of mixed drinks in me.  I am not sure it was ten really, probably more like 6 or 7, *gulp*, I think. 

Upon the closing ceremonies Sunday I was napping during the day and in bed by 9pm last night.  I am a Rock Star in my own mind, truly I am.  NOT!  Now to the Bi Polar part.  Alcohol, is really not great for people suffering with depression.  It's a depressant.  You drink and feel great then stop drinking and crash.  Saturday I could feel the difference between my feelings about being social as compared to Friday and by Sunday I was really wiped out emotionally.  Today I am even more numb with a little bit of bitchy tossed in for good measure.  The husband said last night, "You seem okay compared to the past and your hangover days".  He thanked me when I told him Saturday was really my hangover day.  However, that said, I can barely keep my eyes open today and, the mood, well it's certainly not sunny!  I haven't crashed into a low.....yet.  I hope not too.  I think the volume of sleep and water consumed has helped.  But this is it for me, this is it for my social drinking.   I am done.  I had basically already given up drinking a few years ago, I just didn't make a solid commitment to the idea.  I hoped to dance on a bar top again I guess.  I realize now not only should I not do that, let's be real, I'd need a crane to get up to the bar top.  I might have a singular adult slushy now and again but as for "tying one on", this girl is done.  I am going to be the one sober girl amongst many unless I take up pot which considering this post below, doesn't look like a good idea. 

http://thegirlranting.blogspot.com/2013/09/just-call-me-pothead.html

It's probably for the best.  I am not a dumb girl and drinking alcohol when you suffer from a mental disorder, well, it just doesn't seem smart, at all.