Sometimes my daily posts about my Bi Polar journey are just life lessons I have learned along the way. They have little to do with the day to day of being Bi Polar but that's okay, I often find myself reading the sayings that people post on Facebook and thinking that I have something more to say.
I won't lie, not too long ago this type of spiritual, nilly willy stuff below, made me crazy(ier) but I've grown. I gone growed up (insert my inner Honey Boo Boo here). And I don't just mean ma' hips. I feel like this stuff, often self awareness stuff, has real power now. Perhaps because of the Bi Polar diagnosis and struggle. I've just had to get in touch with all kinds of sides of myself, the 14 of us in this one body and mind.
This one above speaks the obvious pattern of abuse from grandfather, to father, to son. From mother to daughter. From an abusive kid in a school yard to another. It's passed on, from one to another through years of torture. It's a learned habit. We aren't born wanting to be mean.
On a good day I can willingly change my anger and resentment of someone, to pity. Pity is not a very nice emotion. It often means you are sitting upon a throne above someone looking down. That's still an ugly feeling. On a better day I can change my pity to sympathy. Much better. My contempt can change to compassion, and my desire to be cruel to kindness.
I often speak of two people in my world in the last couple of years that really hurt me. They didn't mean to, they were just being THEM. Them isn't wrong, them is them. I took it to mean I wasn't good enough, I made it all about me and became immediately full of resentment and contempt. I wanted to hurt them as they hurt me and for everyone to hear the story. Hurt people...well in return, they often hurt people. It's no different than the cycle of abuse. A husband was taught by his father typically to hit his wife. So it's what I did. When I felt wronged I lashed out and wronged the "wringers". It felt right in the moment. "You hurt me, I will teach you what hurt is!"
I have learned ever since then that forgiveness, it's easier. Lashing out expels a great deal more energy and has repercussions. Reactions almost always do. Your reaction diminishes only YOU. That said, I still have my days where I want to lash out and scream, "How dare you treat me that way!" but most days, I think back and wish I hadn't reacted the way I did. I wish I hadn't caused pain in return for my own. Like I said, they were just being THEM, I was intentionally cruel in defending myself. Who's worse off do you think?
I forgive them. I was in pain and I knew no other way to deal with it. I now forgive myself too. I can only wish they'd forgive me. I can only wish they could see the coin has two sides. But I cannot force someone to be self aware. There doesn't seem to be much compassion for me, least I haven't seen any. That happens sometimes when you RE-act to someone's actions with intent to harm. While their initial actions were not kind or caring there is power in being able to forgive. To say, "I am the bigger person, and it ain't just ma' hips". *wink*
If you are unsure of how far you have come in life (like my learning all the above and how to survive it). If you are doubting all that you have had to endure. Make a list of all the bad things that have happened to you. Losses of people, love, pain, anguish, illness and heartbreak. Make a list and see it in hard copy right before your eyes. Review it thoroughly, then take a match and torch it. You cannot stay locked in what happened behind you. You have to leave those ashes in the past where they belong remembering you are who you are today because of those ashes. It's easier to step over a pile of dust than it is to climb over a mountain of problems. (How's that for insightful?)
Can you forgive yourself?
Once you can it's amazing how many others you can forgive as well.
You're your hardest critic.
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