*gulp*
What I am finding is my temper is coming back. I think
I was stoned for the last 5 plus years. My senses numbed. Please do
not panic I am still on a Bi Polar drug (similar to Lithium, a newer drug) and
the plan is to increase that drug when the other meds are weaned
off. But in the meantime, wow, am I feeling more like the old me from
years back. I feel very sarcastic and angry. Yes, that was the
delightful old me. Yay me! Now after all this mindful self-love
learning shit, I am not sure this change is a good thing. I just arrived on happy place, mindful island,
for christ sakes! I don't want to live my life in an emotional
bubble but to go back to being the defensive me, not sure. I
packed up my defensive tackle gear a long time ago. Now I just feel
like a raw piece of meat waiting to be attacked and not the hell sure what's
gonna happen when I am. I think this is what rabid dogs must feel
like. Scared but if you fuck with them, watch out. I am definitely
trying to be mindful of what I do and say now with the "lovely old
charming me peeking back out". Okay maybe the "speaking mindfully" part still needs some work.
Recently my blog grabbed the attention of a publishing
company out of Europe. When I posted how happy and excited I was a friend
immediately said, "Check if it's legit". I of course went
immediately to a place of ,"Oh right, why would they be legit, it's only MY
writing, who'd want that?" I quickly realized that was ALL ON
ME. Even if she was jealous and saying that only out of her emotion, I
ALLOWED it hit me THAT particular way. Knowing this, having the tools to
see this, I let it go. Well I wrote about it verbatim first, then I
let it go. Girls gotta write. I need material from which to teach
the masses.
Today I posted about a place in Alberta I think it is, that
is giving parents a $5 deduction on their bill, it's a restaurant, when their
kids "behave". Now the definition of behaving is a tough
one, it's subjective. Two people may have completely
different ideas of what behaving means when it comes to their
children. But I said I would give an extra $5 if I, personally, thought
they "behaved". You see, very recently I was in an upscale restaurant and two kids were playing instruments at their table using the cutlery and
plates. No, I am not against music per say, or musical child prodigies,
but this was just noise. Then one child actually put his foot in
my purse on the back of my chair to launch himself over the back of his
mother's chair. I guess she trapped him in the corner very
knowingly. Eventually as all heads turned in their direction, the father took
both kids out for a walk. These two kids didn't belong in a nice, non-family
oriented, bar like restaurant, and it was obvious to all. The kids
were bored stiff, they were competing with the live music to be seen
and heard. It was dreadful. But when I posted I would
give $5 that same "legit" comment friend seemed to come back
fighting. Asking what my definition of "behavior" was because
her child is known to wander restaurants and say hello to people.
Again, I found myself in a defensive tackle position.
oh so cute...really no, he is...
Please note where I say above, "she seemed" to
come back at me fighting. I took it that way. Was that how it was
meant????
Assume the position. Ready. Steady. And DEFEND.
It was time to take stock. Was this me? Is
it me changing drugs? Am I too emotional, maybe too angry? I
mean I haven't been this way in a long time? Maybe I am rapid cycling
into the abyss, a place I know. Instead of letting this all go to my head
and drive me crazier than Solange Knowles, I trusted my friendship
enough to email the person.
Here's what I said; "Hey, little
insecure about the legit response to my fantastic news and the kids in
restaurants posting. I got insecure about your legit comment, I DID THAT,
that's on me. I need you to know it was NOT ABOUT YOU. And on the
restaurants, I wasn't talking about your child, I would never". Immediately her
response came back. She's just busy and her comments have been short
because of that. With the "legit" comment she was quick to
explain she's just really busy and went into quick, have no time, protective
of her friend’s talent mode. And per the kid post she
was trying to joke about her daughter thinking restaurants are "get
to know people time". I guess her daughter literally will walk
around greeting people into the restaurant! LOL I would have preferred
that to foot in purse on my Tom Ford sunglasses people!
*Whew*
*Shoulders drop below ears*
What this whole post reminds me is that we
miscommunicate every single day especially electronically. When we do not
attempt to get to the source of the problem, we get nowhere. If I hadn't
gone to her and said, "Hey, I know this is likely all on ME"
and MEANT it, we would still be fighting? She needed to know I wasn't
attacking her when I went to her, that I knew it could all
be MY feelings at play. When you go to someone and you check
your ego at the door, you get the response you are looking for 9 times out of
10. A good person will come back to you when you've checked your ego and
check theirs. They will put aside a need to defend and judge and say,
"Let’s meet in the middle here". Our egos are our superficial
sense of self and at this age (day and age), if we cannot interact
with ego aside we have done very little growing as a human being.
You need to be able to present yourself, ego at your side, to another human
being to have an honest and authentic interaction. If you cannot do this,
then the "Town Of Superficiality" is going to be where you
reside. And your interactions will live there too. Drop that ego,
try to interact with someone you care about without it and you won't believe
how much more fulfilled you feel. How much deeper things can go, how much
more love you feel. It's truly amazing. Trust me if this bitch can
do it, and I define the word bitch, so can you!
That said, be careful. There are those ones though,
the 1 out of 10. There is that one person you are going to
need to watch for. Those damn one percenters that will kick you
while your ego is down. They know you have put your ego aside for
the better good and they are gonna pull back their foot and knock you so far
off your pedestal of hope that you won't know what hit you. Those
are the people you don't want around you. Had this gal come back in
fight mode telling me off I would have known right then and
there, she had zero interest in the understanding of ME or my
position. At this age, at our age, there is no time for that
anymore. There just isn't. We are solidifying ourselves as people
at this age and fighting, its bullshit. End of story. Continued
fighting means we cannot see eye to eye. Do you want to be
constantly staring up or down at someone? My neck hurts just thinking
about it! Even Steven, level playing field. In social interactions
we need to make it so.
It's like a puzzle. This is the time in our lives
where we need to be completing our puzzles of life. After years of
working on our own pieces, cutting and shaping them to fit into our day to day,
we cannot start cutting and pasting others to fit too. We have to focus
on our important puzzle pieces. Our spouses, kids, careers. They all
seem to fit fine. We cannot force other pieces to fit our puzzle
needlessly. We cannot waste time trying to mould them into ours. We
have to realize our puzzle no longer works with them in it and that's
okay. They have their own puzzle too ya know? It
goes both ways. Once you can pull your piece out and realize it simply
doesn't fit their puzzle either you will be better for it. Let them get
on with their picture and you focus on yours. Puzzles are hard enough.
Did you know it takes months to do a 1000 piece puzzle? (Way too much OCD
over here to have that sitting on ma' table unfinished!) Imagine each day
of your life as a puzzle piece, do you really need to make all pieces fit or
just the important ones that seem to fit into YOUR picture perfectly?
I don't know about you but my hands are sore from trying to
customize my puzzle to fit people that just don't want to be in my picture
anymore. And worse trying to make my piece fit in their puzzle too. "But wait, why don't you fit, right there, there's a spot,
come onnnnnnnn, fit in there. Damn it."
I finally have my puzzle figured out. That or the drug
decision was a bad call and I am going off the rails.
Tomorrow will tell.
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