I have asked for a private room at the center, well, because I know myself. I will either shut down because I don't have privacy or lose it because the person clicks a pen one too many times and I will just up and leave. Trust me it wouldn't be the first time. See this past weekend where due to one little bout of throwing up and diarrhea I up and left a course I have been really looking forward too. It was a two day course, I could have gone to day 2. Okay, granted I was actually ill day 1 but I was also very annoyed that the course wasn't what I expected off the bat. I set myself up to be sick that day whether it was physical or not, it was going to be one way or another that I would leave. I can see that now.
Don't get me wrong I am VERY proud I went across the country, alone to do this after these difficult months. That's an accomplishment!
The only other option that could come from me having a room mate during this treatment time is that I would spend the time fixing the room mate so they left whole and perfectly ready to take on the world while I ignored my own problems. I had to explain all this to the admissions person today. I had to explain I was my father's daughter. It's my Dad's exact protocol, analyze those around you is easier than self examination. And I know I do this.
Don't get me wrong, I get great joy from helping others. In some courses I have taken I have been told that I am of great worth to others breakthroughs and "aha" moments. That I have courage and help others that may not be as strong around me with my honesty. I have learned a lot during those courses I have,. I have gotten a greater self esteem as well. Sometimes, however, I wonder if the "big breakthrough" has never happened where I have looked at myself and said, "wow I love me" because I allowed myself to give so much to others. Sure I got superficial self esteem, from others in return for my giving but this needs to come from inside me. I need to make this in myself. I need to find self love. A lot more than I have.
I know once this happens. Once I find a place inside me that comes from great love and strength I will take over this world. Watch out people, I am coming! But this can only happen with a great deal of work on me, from me, about me. I can't do any of this until I learn how to cope with the lows without medication as the immediate go to. I need to learn coping tools to get me through the lows so they aren't so interrupting of my greatness.
Did that sound self absorbed and egotistical?
Phew, good, I am on my way.
Well, hey there gorgeous, we're almost there. Won't be long now.
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