There are ads all over TV right now for Cymbalta and Lyrica. Both of them, "Who does depression hurt?" Why everyone, of course. And it's not just mental, its physical too. Many people with depression suffer from chronic pain of some kind. Sometimes the chronic pain causes depression, sometimes the depression causes you to feel pain more than the norm. Either way, they typically accompany each other. Just as if you say, "I can't get out of bed in the mornings", you are likely depressed in some fashion. If it turns out you suffer from a disease it's typically something under the scenes like fibromyalgia or lupus where you can look fine on the outside but inside you are in agony. All your wires are firing full throttle making a smile painful.
When I was 17 years old I had a motorcycle accident with a good friend. It was horrific and along with many broken bones, cuts and bruises I had injured my back. The pain made that very obvious. That and being flat out for 2 months after indicated it wasn't something minor.
The day I almost killed my best friend
Years later as Maid of Honor ("MOH") at another besties wedding I herniated another spinal disc. Yes, you heard me, I was the MOH and was found by a Bridesmaid on the floor, white as a ghost asking for god to come and transport me to a hospital! LOL I had tried to lift a huge bucket full of ice water when it all shifted as I was bent straight over. Snap. Down I went. We loaded me up with Advil, Tylenol and alcohol. I danced the night away beside the Bride as was my duty. I had booked an ambulance for an immediate stomach pumping after the wedding but I was surprisingly sober until I had to sleep on the floor of a hotel room. It was that year I started years and years of physiotherapy, pain meds, massages, and care for what is a very bad back.
If you read my little blog at all you will know that I have had some pretty major psychiatric breaks in the past few months. They've lead to my being on the wait list for a treatment center. These breaks all began the same. They began with a pitter patter in my chest. A feeling of unrest. Anxiety. Just butterflies in my chest that seemed to become more and more overwhelming as I focused on them. They seemed to end with my being in the fetal position asking why life was overwhelming me when life's expectations weren't high for me. If I couldn't meet life's expectations of getting out of bed for the day, why was I here? It was bad. I pretty much surmised that being dead was better than living with these feelings. Such anxiety for no good reason, not one that I could find.
This began my serious push with my husband at my side in appointments, for my psychiatrist to listen to me when I spoke of medication outside the realm of what HE prescribed. "What about this drug prescribed by my last psychiatrist" I would ask. Well that one is for stabilization, once you are stable. Pretty sure this suicidal shit isn't stable sir. And, "What about this drug?". Well that one is for depression and can counter act with Bi Polar people but, BUT???? But it's also for pain management and you have fibromyalgia. "No I do not, I have chronic back pain". Apparently it can help with that too. Let's look at the biggest picture right now. I am suicidal, at the least I have those thoughts. Whatever is not going to immediately help with that I should NOT be taking. Finally someone listened and we started the plan of getting me off some of my medications.
I am almost off Cymbalta. Did you know it could counter act Bi Polar medications? Me neither.
I am down from 90 mgs to 30 mgs. My back really hurts. But my brain feels quicker, more responsive, little more flare. What if the Cymbalta was countering the Bi Polar medication as the doctor suggested? All this time, one working against the other? I'd rather be in physical pain, I would. I can take pain medications, cold packs, be careful, keep strengthening it. I did work out at the gym HARD yesterday. And today I lay on the floor with the dog and groomed him for 4 hours. My back should hurt. Your back would hurt.
So what's more important, physical or mental pain? I say physical. The mind can always take control over the pain sensors and set them straight. I have meditated this back problem away before. It was the strangest feeling. Meditating with no pain, not noticing it until I came out of the mediation and the pain washed over me so suddenly I almost passed out. Talk about mind control. It's amazing what our brains can do to our bodies, it truly is. It's why if you are down the physical pain in your body will be more distinctive. If you are stressed, maybe you will get a stomach ache, an ulcer, or a migraine. There are scientifically proven links.
I think for now I will stay off Cymbalta and see how this pans out. I would rather go into the treatment center (I am on the wait list) needing to learn pain management and mindfulness pain management then with thoughts and feelings of value-less-ness pits of despair.
Yup, I chose back pain. Would you?
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