I am fighting a low, I think. Fighting hard enough that last night I said to my husband, out of nowhere really, "You sure you don't want to divorce me?" I was serving him pot roast I'd cooked all day in the slow cooker with fresh mushrooms, mini potatoes and baby carrots with a side of flash steamed broccoli (keeps it crisp) with garlic butter. Being that I am obviously such a bad wife I figured I'd better ask over dinner. I felt it an appropriate, over dinner conversation. This was after we started the day taking the dog for a walk, walking hand in hand, for a mile at 7am. Do you think I should ask him again and make sure he doesn't want to divorce me? It's really not clear is it?
I am not the most confident person on the planet. Shocking I know. I know weight has something to do with it but mostly I grew up without being given many self esteem development learning tools. I wasn't taught self love (don't go all dirty minded on me, I learned that later in life). When I was very little my father treated me like an angel but he left when my parents split, very suddenly, very abruptly, without any preparation for me, his little angel. My mother fell apart leaving me very much alone at 12 years old. This is about the age when you most need your parents to be teaching you how much you really matter to the world. I didn't get that. End of story. I missed that part of childhood. It happens.
I am very much aware of what I didn't get, very much aware why, and I know that my parents did the best they could with the tools they had. It doesn't change what I don't know, and that is, that I have value. I just don't have confidence in myself. When I worked, I had confidence in my bitchiness, I questioned my abilities constantly. Even though I was good at my job, I know that, I was always fighting to have others acknowledge my value. I always felt undervalued, mostly because I was doing it to myself. I wasn't confident enough in my own capabilities. If others, outside sources, weren't reinforcing my value, then I had very little.
Even when I am thinner, I am no more confident than I am now. Superficially I think I am. But if I was authentically more self confident I wouldn't go chasing men CONSTANTLY. I mean chasing like an Olympic competitive sport. All I do when I am thin is party. I am looking for the party and if there isn't one, I am the life of one. I am trying to find self worth in others. I know that now, I see my past with men, VERY clearly. I look to them to give me self worth.
As usual.
My husband dated my past, my pain and my guilt, he didn't marry it. By the time we got married I had already started to pack up my past. It's well behind me now save for my self esteem. It's the only remaining issue of my past. I love my parents for who they are, they did the best they could. When I dated my husband I didn't speak to my parents, now I do anytime they, or I, chose to speak. I do so without any regard for what's right or wrong, what's obligation, or guilt, I just do when I want.
Because of my lack of self esteem my husband must be strong and patient. It takes a lot of strength and patience to hear the same story about the same friends that hurt me over and over again. Why honey, tell me whaaaaayyyeee? Why didn't they love me enough to care, is that it? I am unlovable, is that it? "Because they're assholes" (not entirely true but a good effort on his part), he says plainly and simply. In his eyes this is explanation enough. I just want to understand the why's of the world and some times, we simply aren't meant to and that's our learning curve in life, to learn to let go. Simply learning how to let go when something isn't going our way. Let it go.
Imagine how much strength it takes not to strangle me when I asked for the 900th time if he wants to divorce me cause I am such a pain in the ass. He's like Thor strong ma' husband is.
My husband cannot fix my scars, only I can. And I will. My only goal when I go away to Homewood (a psychiatric/rehab facility I am on the wait list for) is to find an honest and authentic sense of self. I will come home to my husband as the woman he sees through his eyes, that I wish I could see.
I don't ask my husband for a divorce because I don't love him. I ask him for one because I do. Because I feel he deserves better than me. I trust that he isn't cheating or giving me reason to divorce him, I honestly feel he deserves better than me.
The only thing I know how to do really well is survive and right now, that's what I am doing, trying to survive myself. I am my own worst enemy. I am not in the dangerous lows territory, just PMS, menopause, Bi Polar bullshit that starts off slowly and some times weans off. And some times, increases. Time will tell. Tonight I am off to see Chelsea Handler stand up comedy with the soon to be ex husband (Joking!), so that should cheer me up.
Tomorrows a new day. I promise to be a little more optimistic then. I am just having a bad day. I am more grumpy than down anyways, I can live with grumpy pants, they're comfier.
Don't divorce me yet okay? Keep reading, I will be wittier tomorrow. Promise.
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