DBPW Day 91 Dan, that darn husband....

Well folks I did it.  In the height of this silly disease I managed to pack myself up and get my ass across the country alone.  My husband Dan is very much a crutch for me.  I turn to him under any stress whatsoever.  I have reached that vulnerable place now a days where I tend to cry before I get angry.  The past was anger, defensive position, first.  Now when I cry I immediately rush to my safety zone, the man I love.  My strength, my man, the love of my life.
 

I never thought ten years ago there would be a time when I would turn to anyone.  At 12 years of age I learned to take care of myself.  There was no one else there to do so.  My mother was lost in her own mind, I was abusive to her both verbally and physically and she me.  My father, was gone.  So at the young age of 12 I learned there is NO ONE you can trust, or should at least.  Now there’s my husband.  A husband.  I cannot believe I ever got married.

I had my first love at the age of 19 or thereabouts.  Oh god how I loved him.  It was too much fire.  It was out of control or so I thought.  I never thought I could feel that strongly about anyone.  I tried to run away from him, set off his temper many times thinking it would be safer to push him away but he never left.  Our passion was ridiculous but it also meant our fights were just as good.  We fought and made up like no one else.  But then it happened.  The love of my life cheated on me.  Even as I write those words, “he cheated on me” I realize it wasn’t that way, he cheated himself.  He didn’t trust our love enough not to fall into the arms of someone basically throwing herself at him.  I never trusted our love, I didn’t, but I never cheated, until he did.  From that point on until my husband I cheated on every man I ever cared about.  It wasn’t until I fell in love again over 10 years later that I allowed myself the vulnerability of love.  Pure, honest, faithful love. 

I have no idea why this went there but I think I needed to explain why I love my husband so much.  Besides my first love, before our first of many break ups, I never had faithful love.  Faithful love wasn’t realistic, it was only a risk.  

All I want now, right now, is my husband. 

I did this trip.  I made it here.  I changed hotels 3 times before I found one with vacancy for me that wasn’t a complete shithole.  I realize I never want to go to Fort Lauderdale, like ever, again.  I am not 20 and drunk all the time.  I can only imagine what the rooms when I travelled at 17 must have been like to the me today.  *shiver*.  But I did that.  I found a room after visiting three hotels.  I wont lie, Dan called to get me a room but I was the one that found him names and numbers to actually call and find one while I checked in and out of my first hotel. 

Then I made it to the course.  Alone.  Sick as a dog.  It was a silly place for a course.  It was in the convention center, seems like a reasonably good idea.  The convention center there is in the Port, security details all over, inaccessible areas, no shops whatsoever. 15 minutes to anywhere it seemed.  No wonder they gave us a 2 hour lunch, it would take that long to get anywhere but there were no cabs at the center.  It was just weird.  I am glad I saw Dr. D speak as I have already said but I am also glad I bailed.  I know I would have been very pissed off if by lunch there was no place to go but a pretzel stand.  Stuck somewhere with no car or a cab that if found would cost $40 to pick up lunch.  I know I know.  Bitch bitch bitch. 

But here’s where the bitching stops.  I DID IT.  Two weeks after a full on mental break I went on an adventure, ALONE.  I am pretty proud.  You might not think it’s much but I do.  I was very vulnerable, feeling sick, feeling bloated from that, feeling insecure, feeling unattractive and I still stayed until I got sick. 

 

I accomplished the trip itself.  That's enough for now.  That's a baby step in a great direction.  

 

Now I am home in my jimmy jams right beside the man of my dreams watching Game of Thrones.  Just yesterday I was sick in the middle of nowhere hoping Dr. Wayne Dyer didn't notice me repeatedly leaving his speaking engagement.