Well kids, I am still here in Florida and holding it together. You see I get this antsy, anxiety like feeling in my gut when something is off. Sometimes for no reason at all. It's the drugs I am on, I am sure of it, plus some Bi Polar and Menopause. There is nothing technically really wrong save for INSIDE my head when it comes to this anxiety. LOL I guess I am without my husband and for me, it's scary. Never used to be. Now I am a bundle of nerves. Not only do I struggle with anxiety but I miss my husband when he's gone for 5 minutes. I know I know, it's gross and nauseating but it's how I love, full throttle, all in.
I slept in this morning in my hotel room until about 830. Threw on the swimsuit and a cover up and headed to breakfast. My plan was the pool after some grub. Do you know how many times in my lifetime I have eaten first or had a full meal then put on a swimsuit? I can count them on my hands and feet. Full bellies and pools don't mix. You can cramp and drown. Or in my case get bloated and float. LOL But I did it. I went to the pool, with all the bikini clad 20 year olds and I acted my 43 years of age and suntanned and swam, read a book and did the crossword. I once was one of the flip over to evenly tan girls with their wee apple bottoms. Oh how I miss my ability to rock a bikini like it's just another piece of clothing. As good as a track suit I once thought. At least today I felt pretty darn good in my one piece. I wasn't fat shaming myself the entire time. I was pretty damn comfy.
Once it hit 42 with the humidex and my menses started cramping up I decided it was time to stop pushing fate. All I could picture was a sunburn at an 8 hour course. And the flight home burnt. NO THANKS. So I headed up to my beautiful room and took a good long rain shower. Cause that's what's in my shower, a rain shower head. Sweet. Love them. Was in there twice as long as normal just standing under it. I need that at home, I really do. It's very therapeutic. And the bath products at the Westin, White tea and Aloe. You can smell it everywhere on everyone and it's delightful. I love it. I plan on stealing any extras. If I pass a house cleaning cart I am so robbing it. Yeah I said it. So what? Typically I give these to a friend who does gift baskets for ladies heading back into work from shelters and the like but not these. I tell you, this scent is dreamy. I have to go look and see if they sell it.
I have to admit, it really does blow when you get this feeling of anxiety for no other reason than it's too hot outside to keep myself busy. And then I think, "what the hell am I going to do with myself, why am I here, what if.....???" If you let it, it builds and builds until you can't take it anymore and life "FEELS" unbearable. But it's not, it never is unbearable. And it's only a feeling, it's not the truth. Feelings aren't always the truth. Life is a beautiful thing. Look at my first paragraph with the love for my husband, that's not unbearable, that's beautiful.
Darn Bi Polar crap. I can't wait to get home and start the adjustments of my medicines. 3 drugs are being changed. I joke about being big pharma, but the volume of drugs I take are a little insane and I want off them, as soon as possible. I won't go stopping anything over night, that's just silly, but I am looking forward to working with the doctor and my trip to the Homewood Center to get plans into play to handle stressors and anxiety herbally and naturally. I've lost touch with those sides of myself and it's time they came back. Mindfulness needs re-entry into my world. I can't even find my way back to meditation anymore. It's really weird.
From a hot Florida afternoon, smelling dreaming I say have a beautiful day. I cannot wait to share this weekend with you. It's going to be so uplifting, I know it.
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