DBPW Day 107 ....uh oh...not those thoughts again.

Last night making dinner for my family I was struck by an overwhelming feeling of, "Is this my fucking purpose in life?"  To cook, eat, sleep.  Rinse repeat.  Fucking hell!  That can't be it?  It's my life's purpose to cook for myself and my family, eat, and sleep to get up to it the next day to do it all over again?  It's a broken record.   I can't get a job until my Bi Polar is stable, so this is it?  Big chunks of space in between between cooking, eating, and sleeping that I have to fill so I lose myself in my own lack of self worth?  Sounds like a blast, let's do this for 30 more years.

Is it my life's purpose to fight the Bi Polar and try to find peace and happiness?  What the fuck is peace and happiness anyways?  Are my husband and kids supposed to bring me that peace and happiness?  That sounds like a heavy burden to throw upon them.  Doesn't sound like they should be responsible for that?  I can't get a job because of the Bi Polar.  Will a job fill that gap anyways?  So these people, they are my life right now, just them, and a smaller number of friends I've gotten down to through the filtration process of life.  That's it?  Is that enough?  What more do I want? Or need better still?

I have a friend that I think has it rough on the job.  Meaning they hate their job.  They seem to be searching for....who knows what?  Peace, tranquility, fulfillness....what are we all searching for every day we got to work, come home, cook, eat, sleep, repeat.  Is this all that life is about?  There's got to be more?

We see these big famous people like Oprah, living the high life and changing people's worlds.  Or Ellen, living the high life, and changing people's worlds.  They are both conduits for happiness for others it seems, are we?  Brad Pitt and Angelina, travelling the world showing their children the ENTIRE world.  Are we doing enough for our kids?  Are we, our simple lives, enough?  Are we not trying hard enough and that's why we aren't famous like they are?  Or didn't we get the breaks they did and we are hard done by?  Life's treating us unfairly somehow.

Then I read this;

I am writing my memoirs, so to speak.  I am writing about my journey of being Bi Polar just by writing you this.

I go swimming in every single pool I see as long as I have a swimsuit and no mensies issues.  (TMI Maybe but truth!  Mensies and a pool don't always go hand in hand well).  I don't care about my jiggle bits anymore.  A warm pool is more important.  Jiggle bits be damned.

I don't need perfection.  I am learning to actually love my body for all that it does to carry all that is me around.  It could be in worse shape.

I am having a creative life.

I use my imagination.

I can be, and often am, radically silly.

I often lose myself to silly thoughts.

I guess I do more than cook, eat and sleep then don't I?  I have value.  I mean something to many and I have many that mean something to me.  Maybe that IS IT?  This is peace and happiness, I am just missing it, thinking too hard.

Hmmmmmmmmm?