Toot toot of my own horn. No seriously, it's kinda your duty as a step parent and if you can't do it, don't be in the situation please, please, please.
I met these two kids when they were probably 7 and 4. While my now husband then boyfriend wanted me to meet them immediately upon his separation and our dating, I asked him to be patient and wait until they demanded it. I asked him to sit back and enjoy his kids every other weekend and explain that the marriage ended, not the family unit, and I was just, only, his girlfriend. Whom they could meet when they were ready. When we got a dog, the dog went with the kids on their weekends, I stayed in my apartment or my house when applicable, while they got daddy/doggy time of their OWN. They set up the cottage we bought together, alone. They set up their room how THEY wanted too.
By the time my step kids got to 7 and 4 they demanded to meet me. Now there were pictures of me, Daddy talked about me all the time, "darn it Daddy when's Nicolle coming here to be with us?" BINGO. The kids are ready, it's their time table, and they've made the appointment on their terms.
If I loved myself as much as these kids I'd have no problems, none.
The first time I met the kids we went to The Royal Winter Fair together. We took both kids. Jonathan, the 7 year old to see tractors, Emma the 4 year old to see, well everything. 10 minutes into the building Emma grabbed my hand when her Dad asked if she wanted to go see things with me and yanked me to wherever she wanted to go at whatever pace she wanted to go. I was thinner at the time but still a "well built" gal when we walked into the cow area Emma stopped dead in her tracks and yelled "they're bigger than YOU!" All eyes swung to us and I knew in that moment I could make it about me or Emma and make it right or wrong. I responded with "Well I hope so, they are cows after all, they're humongous". She laughed and we kept going. She brings it up to this day, she loves the story of how she called me a cow but she didn't mean to call me a cow. I really wasn't that big at all but to her, cows were bigger than humans, that's all. In her mind today I think it's a test the step mommy game and I play it the same every time, as one of the funniest days of my life with these two little people.
I love my step kids. I try never to refer to them as my kids but it slips out. I try not to so that I always honor the position of their mother, their mom, they are not my kids, they are my gift packages, my step kids. And I, the step monster, their gift bags to their family unit. I've been putting myself second to these two kids since I met them, sometimes 3rd to their mom "Mommy doesn't make them that way", and that's how it should be. I don't have them full time, if I can't put myself aside for them what's wrong with my ego or self esteem, they are children after all.
Try to come between us, dare ya.
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