DBPW Day 79 GO to the ER, they will do nothing, but go THERE okay?

"Have you made any plans to commit suicide?"  If so, you need to proceed to your nearest emergency center.  Really?

"Do you have plans to kill yourself right now?" If so, you need to go to the ER.  Really?

Pretty sure it's where I am gonna end up either plans or follow through no?

This is how we handle people who have mental illness in Canada.  Go to the ER, be sedated and locked in a ward with drug addicts going thru withdrawal then release you back into the world with the care of those around you being responsible for your every action.  It's pretty much why, on Saturday I didn't go to the ER.  My husband sedated me and took charge versus having to leave me in a likely horrible place for 3 days where nothing would be done to help me anyways.

I am working on getting into a center in the next month where I hope, god I hope....no correct that, I know, I KNOW they can help me deal with these lows.  I cannot face another one alone without the right tools.  I know I know I am not alone but none of you live in my head.  You can't climb into me and take away the depth of depression these go.  I wish you could.  I wish I could say you could and therefore I will be here forever. 

The first question above was on the application for the center and I think because I answered "yes" I have suicidal thoughts but "no plans" I may or may not get in.

The second question was from my doctor who didn't ask to see me just said they'd send in the referral and if I felt suicidal to go to the ER.

Ahhhh the system.  She's a great thing. 

The only real reason I am writing today is for one, I want to say this is my diary and I will write daily, but that no longer stands true.  I will write when I have something to say and when I go away, I won't be able to.  I will keep a journal to share but the writing...computers aren't allowed I don't believe. 

I need to say to those that want to call me, I can't talk.  I can't talk about how this feels or else I go into feeling mode again.  And I can't afford that right now.  I need to stay out of feeling mode. 

Love,

ME.