And it's that ridiculousness, that silliness that my man loves. He thinks I am the genuine craziness, but that's only natural, cause I am.
I met Dan where we worked. We both worked for the same company. I started there, I think it was 1998 and he already worked there. When I started, I was "fat" according to a trader who once drunkenly told me I had gained a little weight and should be careful as I didn't want to get "fat" again. He was a charmer.
I forgot to mention where we worked. We worked for a brokerage firm. An investment company. We had a trading floor where stocks and bonds were traded and we had clients, both big company clients in one department and then individuals in another section.
I worked alongside my husband in the big company client side. I worked on the trading floor as a Compliance officer. I was the one required to make sure that every transaction occurred, occurred legally within a set of rules and regulations that apply both federally and under local jurisdictions as well.
I was great at my job. I wasn't happy at it but great at it. It's a tough pill to swallow. Loving the power, hating the work and most of those around me.
Dan worked on the same trading floor doing the trades. He got yelled at, a lot. I guess he got himself prepped for this marriage in a sense! LOL
Dan and I were friends first. We were friends for almost 10 years before we got together. I don't know exactly when he moved out of his home with his wife but he wasn't single long before we got together.
For years I had watched him feel very unhappy about marriage, being tied to a life he wasn't happy with. But I was NEVER attracted to him, not THAT way.
Each year our company held a charity hockey tournament. Dan used to run it. One year we ran it together and then I took it over myself. At one of these tournaments I was selling draw tickets, 3 for $10 or around my chest for $25 where Dan called me on my BS. He looked me in the eye after my 100th sold "around my chest" and said, "Does all this superficial attention actually do anything for you?" How dare you? What do you mean? As if.......Damn you.
In that moment I knew my friend Dan knew me better than all the rest. He saw right through me. I had interest.
When Dan first told me how he felt about me he was married and seemingly happy until he got shit faced at one of our corporate parties. He turned to me, pushed aside my date, also someone we worked with and said sloppily, "I love you, always have". I said, "go home to your wife, you big dumb ass". And kept my current boy toy from hurting him.
It was years later he proposed and said, "I remember saying that to you, I knew you shouldn't have been with him but with me".
I knew I wasn't perfect but Dan thought I was, or close to it. He held and holds me up on a pedestal that if I could actually sit on, I would hold such a higher opinion of myself. I am currently the weight I was when I first started at that company when Dan first saw me and fell in love he says. So I have felt comfortable gaining the weight knowing he isn't going anywhere. I have also felt comfortable letting myself dive right into these medical and mental illness issues as when we first met I was the closest things to a miserable CUNextTuesday as you could get. He loved me then, he loves me as is, no matter what, to him, as long as I am happy, he is happy.
I don't wear makeup unless I am going out or to work.
I don't get dressed up in any form unless I am going 100km from my home!
I don't trim my hips for any man. I might do it for myself but these are child bearing hips and that's never gonna change.
I am impatient.
I can be jealous but not often. You really have to push me to express jealousy which is MY emotion to live with.
I will always act like a child in fun, in sadness and vulnerability, because I was denied that childhood the first time around.
I am the most mature when it involves kids as they are the most important thing in the world. The life span of a child should be so that they make us ponder all things good in the world and want to give them to the children. No child should die unloved.
I am covered in scars and marks, some I chosen to have done to tell my story.
I am Nicolle, and I need you to take me as I am. I am who I am, and while who I am is ever changing, unless you accept me as I am, you cannot have me.
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