There was nothing in this email that was directly upsetting but it was from two women in my life who have been generally absent for years. I have seen both of the ladies since my wedding in 2009 maybe twice. I kind of felt like I had been kicked in the gut getting this email. Like my airs been taken from me. Too little too late yet at the same time an overwhelming amount of grief flushed over me. I want this attention, this love and apparent concern for the past 5 years I have been missing. I have only ever seen one girl in 5 years, one time so she could ask me about this disease. She was very concerned I would hurt myself and told me she loved me and wouldn't give up on me. But that's it, once in 5 years and from the other, nothing, ever, in regards to my illness.
In all honesty, instead I was judged by both because of my actions in the throws of a low in response to a mutual friend lying about me. It was all very dramatic but in the end there is evidence that the mutual friend does nothing but put a negative twist on everything between us including about my husband and I. I have a new sense of loss right now I can't explain. I just keep crying every time I think that they are FINALLY reaching out to me. I longed for this when this all started. I just wanted to be defended, to be taken care of, to be loved. Now that they are reaching out I am not sure I want anything to do with them anymore. They've let me down so much over the last few years.
I get that everyone has full lives at our age. Kids, jobs, homes, marriages and illnesses, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't drop everything to be there for a friend. It's who I am, it's what I do. Lately I feel like my disease is too much a burden, therefore I, am too much of a burden for people I thought very loyal and loving of me. I feel like my best option is to say no, no visits, no reunions, it's over. I am not saying this out of bitterness or because they chose to stay close to the other friend but because reuniting the friendship seems like a good way to get myself hurt.
I honestly don't know what to do. To think I was the person everyone used to come to for everything is a stunning thought these days. I can't even decide if I want to see two of my longest friends. Part of me says to see them to make them understand how wicked this disease is. Part of me says to see them to get them on MY side. Part of me says to see them because I miss them and miss feeling a part of their lives. The rest of me says I have enough friends that have proven themselves right here by my side this whole time.
I gotta go, the pralines and cream ice cream needs finishing. *tears*
Anyone having an opinion, feel free to share. I am all about listening.
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