Today I had to go to the shrink to report in about these psychotic breaks I've been having. 3 in the last two months. And well, I am never really satisfied when I leave there but I always think, could be worse right? I am weaning off three drugs, count em, THREE! And in two months upping the dose of another. I mean how is it I have been on these drugs for a year and.....well. I guess we now know, for no reason that's explainable enough I can't go off them. At least he was pleased to hear I was going to the psyche center in Guelph for a stay. This stay will make it much easier for me to learn to deal with depression and anxiety that is incurable, only manageable. I hate hearing that, though I know it's true. It's like my two friends, three now, with Lupus. They can only manage it, it's incurable. My heart aches for them. It's funny because my heart aches for them and then I think....Nicolle you should ache for yourself, your disease causes as much pain and heartache, for you, yourself. Right? Hmmmm. Self awareness work needs doing at the center I am going to. I need to accept what I have and learn to exist at peace with it.
It's funny, in this meeting today with my doctor I kept interrupting him and trying to say things and he kept saying, "you need to listen first, then respond, not prep a response while pretending to listen to me". Grrrrr. Hit this nose on the head didn't he? Just like this says below, if you believe you know a person it can be very frustrating to talk to them because you think you know what they are going to say or do before they do, or so you think. Wrong. People not only change but they can surprise you too. Easily.
While I was in the doctor's office he asked if I had done any cognitive behavioural work online. It's kind of my homework. It's based on self awareness and kindness of self. I hadn't, yet, my bad. I made excuses but then admitted the truth that I have done so much self awareness work that has hurt I am really tired. He pushed upon me that all the work I have done has led me to a place of acceptance and he is right. With my parents, I accept them as are and love them for who they are. They are not a massive part of my day to day but they are my parents. It's for the rest of life this work, so I suppose I will have to get to it when I return from my trip. Being with Wayne Dyer and Miss Hays won't hurt either.
He was very pleasantly surprised to hear I was going away on a trip solely about me and my desire to write and that I was going alone. He didn't seem worried like my husband or I am so that was good. I am ready, big girl pants are on (even if a thong and up my arse) to take on a small slice of the world I guess.
Look at me go.
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