Do you want to know how I survived such Bi Polar lows? I just exist in them until they are done. There's nothing more I can do. I don't see ahead because ahead is blind to me. When I am that low, there is nothing. No ahead, no tomorrow, shit I don't see a minute ahead. I want it over. I can't lie. I want it over.
Now that said, here I am a week later and you know how I survive today knowing a low could be coming again, I stay in the now. It's why it's hard for me to take anything on. Anything other than something that sets my heart on fire. My husband wants me to do some online University courses. I am thinking about it but then I think, "I don't much care and when that low comes.....let's just stay here in the now". I am writing to you fine peeps, going to the gym, reading again like I haven't in a long time. It feels like almost enough, it's not quite enough, I get bored....but how much more, I am not sure of. As I said, courses are being looked into.
Staying in the "now" means worrying past it and for me right now, it's all I can do. I wish I could do more. And maybe another wedding or something will grab my fancy and I will look forward to it with all the gusto I have in the past. I have planned 3 weddings before, just for people I love, and just for fun. I get through them by basically knowing my limits, staying within them, and knowing a low follows the big day. We all get wedding hangovers, me, the bride, the groom, and uncle drunkard. Right now all I have is this writing course and a visit I hope to my friend in Arizona right after. All that matters. Those are my forward looking things otherwise it's here, and it's now and when you stay here and now, nothing seems too big, too overwhelming.
This is how I know to be the best me. Stay right here. It is what it is, while it is, then it isn't is my life's motto. You can't always do everything about anything or anything about everything.
Anyone can do NOW can't they? I can be the best me RIGHT NOW.
No comments:
Post a Comment