The Selfie...UGH!

When I am thin(ner), like a minimum of 50 pounds less that what I weigh now, I am as about as photogenic as you can get.  Or so they say.  I don't see it, I find flaws.  It's what the insecure me does.  Others say things like "beautiful", "gorgeous", and "perfect" and I brush those comments off like they mean nothing.  Probably because they did mean nothing, each wonderful comment, meant nothing.  I had no self confidence and yet I was thin?
 
Forward to 50 pounds later and I have more self confidence than I did before the difference being, I don't care as much about my appearance.   Now maybe it's the case of the chunky monkey doesn't care about herself but I don't think so.  I still dress up when called for.  I still wear makeup when necessary, you know to funerals and shit.   But on the day to day, I let my skin breathe with nothing but base moisturizer followed by coconut oil dabbed on all cold, dry face day long.  I think my skin looks great for a 30 year smoker (don't worry I quit).  My hubby loves me fresh faced.  He always has.  My face breaks out at the touch of makeup.  It always has.  So I am makeup free.  And my flaws show.  I have broken blood vessels in my face.  I have a permanent red nose.  I get zits with PMS.  I have zit scars from obsessively performing surgery on the aforementioned zits.  I have freckles.  I have sun spots.  I have a birthmark right there on my face.  And I cover non of it up unless I am going out, seeing someone important, or as I mentioned before, a dead person.
 
With the weight comes a chunky monkey face.  You can see it.  Anyone can.  Look through my pictures back when FB first started and I have a thinner face, oddly enough almost always in makeup covering the flaws nicely?  (Weird how thinner I was so not confident the thought of no makeup was unheard of).  I have smile lines more prominent in the old pictures because my face is thinner.  Its a thinner face and I think of that every single time my picture is taken from the neck up.  I think to myself, oh god I have a fatter face.  The reason for the neck up, I don't let pictures, least not many, appear anywhere that are from the feet up.  I don't need to see THAT online do I?  I just don't.  I am a chunky monkey.  I said once I own this body and I do.  I did this, I put myself here, in this bigger body and so long as I am healthy I am going to learn to live with it, with a ton of neck up pictures damn it!
 
If you look through my pictures you will see years of a gap in any pictures of me.  Because I was growing, getting bigger.  I knew it, I didn't want to face it and if you take my picture and post it then I have to deal with the reality of it.  So I didn't post pictures or allow them of me.  There's no better feeling in the world than having to say, "don't post that", or "please take that down".  There you are, standing in a picture with a friend, laughing and when it posts you want to forget that's how you ever looked.
 
When I made the decision to own this, me, it was because a girl online, Brittany Gibbons (see her link below) made the powerful decision to post plus sized bikini pictures of herself.  She has a daughter and the last thing she wants for her daughter to think is that only a size 2 can be perfection and in a bikini.  Brittany has made a Facebook group of more than four thousand people called Curvy Girl Guide and it's for women to spend time applauding, supporting, loving each other and themselves.  It really is quite something the following this girl has gotten just because she said, "I am going to love myself AS IS".  Who'da thunk it?  That women needed to hear this from other women? 

http://brittanyherself.com/ 
 
Back to moi.  When Brittany asked women to post a picture of themselves, a full body shot all these women started to step up to the plate and posted pictures of themselves.  It was amazing.  Most of the shots are women done up to the nines as they say (and not sure why they say that because done up to the 10s makes more sense).  It seemed women only took full body selfies if they got dolled up first.  I was no exception.  It was Christmas day, I was done up a bit for the family day.  When my husband took the picture it was one of the first full body shots I have seen of myself in some time and I hated it.  I looked huge.  But all these women were owning their pictures and they were beautiful, why wasn't I?  Why couldn't I find beauty in my own?  So I thought about it, and thought about it some more and realized it was because I was in denial about who I was, what I looked like.  I had even started ignoring what the mirror told me.  It told me I was bigger, I just didn't pay attention.  The picture slapped me into reality.  I didn't like how I looked.  I needed to address that thinking. 
 
Address it, I did.  I took ownership of my body not long after.  I decided to start going to the gym again, not to lose weight but to strengthen and firm myself up.  I have been big before, never out of shape.  It was time to admit that too, I was out of shape.  I lost 9 inches in size (spread over hips, thighs, abs etc) but not a pound in the first month of the gym.  That's how out of shape I was.  My body needed only a month to say, "this could be tighter, so could this and that".   My body needed attention and I am finally giving it.  Am I going to start posting full body selfies every day, no.  But I am learning to love and accept myself and that's good enough.
 
Now to the reason for this post.  Take all of this and add it together and you have a woman who has put on weight, but is learning to love and accept herself as is.  She doesn't throw on makeup every day and find the right angle to selfie herself, she's not "there yet" and not sure she wants to be...makeup and hair is such a chore.  But when there's a new hair cut or a need to evidence something this girl will toss up a picture.  It's almost always after a hair cut and I still don't have makeup on.  I don't see the point, I just don't.  There is new beautiful hair to show though so let's do this.  A picture is taken, another, another, another, another......I could take 20 before finding one I actually like.  Or I could take one and be in a mood and not care, just post it. 
 
Most recently I posted a picture shown below labeled EAU NATUREL (f*ck off on the spelling or right wording, I am making a point here!).  It was on the fly, I took 2 I think and posted the better of the two.  Just imagine the other one!  The one I deleted!  When I did this I was not kidding myself, I saw the picture, I am not blind.  I said, "you've looked better, you've looked worse, who cares" and posted it.  It was to show how much my hair had grown.  Two women so far have commented about that picture.  Whether joking or otherwise they couldn't believe I posted it.  It's not the most flattering of pictures.  But you know what, it's me.  It's who I am.  I represents all my little flaws and the fact I didn't do my face or hair, obviously.  I am not insulted by the negative comments because one was a "I cannot believe you posted that".  Basically one was saying they couldn't imagine posting that image of themselves, the real them, no proper angles, lights, makeup or otherwise.  The other comment was about my messy hair.  And it was hysterical actually.  I look much like the llama save for the teeth.  I wasn't insulted then either because it was funny but the woman making the joke was all over me privately about whether or not I understood it was a joke.  Said she got flack for picking on me.  It's okay.  It's okay to have fun.  It's okay to say "you can't believe" or "you couldn't or wouldn't post".  It's okay. 
 
None of us are going to be in the same head space at the same time.  Perhaps you aren't ready for the world to see you "as is", but I am okay with it.  There's a certain power in knowing you are posting your worst picture and anyone, old boyfriends, girlfriends of old boyfriends, prettier girls you think, are seeing your worst picture.  It's only up from there!  There's a certain power in knowing you are confident that the picture doesn't matter in your grand scheme of things.  There's a certain power in knowing you accept yourself "as is".   I am not ready to post a bikini picture but I am going to stop taking 42 selfies to get one I like.  I am going to stop hiding behind people and asking for the neck up.  And if I look like a llama some days I am good with it.  Could be worse, I could be the llama who by the way, really is in need of some braces.  
 

 

I hid behind my girlfriend in this picture.  Her hubby instinctively knew "neck up", god bless him.  But I love this picture.  A year ago I wouldn't have posted this for the puffy no makeup'd face.   

 

I allowed this one because it's one eye.  The shot is basically one eye.  You can't really go wrong with one eye.   Though many commented on my being a slutty sex kitten in this one.  They only speak the truth.
 

 

New hair cut picture.  Took at least 25 pictures that day.  I still hate this one but after a certain point your arm starts to cramp so you post the picture that's the best of 40. 

 

 

Eau Naturel

 

Now here is the one that's caused all the fuss.  I am 20 minutes out of a shower.  My hair has dried totally naturally with it's curl.  I tend to put the front up but I didn't because I was showing how much it had grown from the previous picture.  There is maybe two weeks, perhaps three between the two pictures (see above).  I am well aware my hair is a mess and I am makeup less.  I clearly don't care.  Even the look on my face says that.  But....it threw some peeps for a loop.  I know for a fact there are more of you out there that HONESTLY wish to say, "makeup girl", "how's about a hair brush" because it's funny and it's true, and it's okay that's it's true!    I wasn't going for a "Hollywood Casting Photo". 

 

 

You have to admit our hair is similar.  When I saw this, and the "Shiiiit I look good" I couldn't stop laughing.  I thought immediately of the picture of my bad hair and makeup less face BEFORE a friend even said anything.  I couldn't help it because it's THAT funny.  And the fact the llama thinks she looks good is even funnier because I think I do eau naturel too.  Thank f*ck my teeth are lovely. 

 

 

This is today out of the shower because I had to show what my hair looks like when I brush it.  I am nakers under the towel but not why it's wrapped up.  It's wrapped up because it hides my chunky monkey clavical and shoulders.  And a bit of a chunky chin.  It's not a one eye shot so......cover up gurl, cover up.  I am a work in progress.  Note the happy face.  That's not because of the picture commentary it's simply because I am that grumpy about pictures. 

 

 

 

 :)