Wednesday February 12th, 2014 – Day 10
Well I can firmly say I am in a downward spiral. I got up at 830am this morning simply because
I couldn’t sleep anymore my back hurt so much.
When your head isn’t in the game your pain goes through the roof. Try it sometime, if you are hurting in your
heart, pay attention to your body, it will hurt too. Off I went to the gym anyways. I needed to try to clear my head. It worked for as long as the work out lasted. I sat in the car after and cried for no
reason other than I feel like crying.
I wish it was a Party, or a Potty (the Other version of this)
How much do I not want to be writing today? How much do I wish I hadn’t committed to
this? I want to do this today about as
much as I would like to live inside one of my rabbits litter boxes. That much.
I gag just emptying those things FYI.
And I would prefer to live in one than write today. A lot of times with this blog you can see me
going radio silent for a week or more, it’s because, I feel like I do today.
Upon returning from the gym my husband took one look at me, “you
okay?” “No”, I replied. “Do you need help with anything?” “No”, I replied. “Are you sure I can’t help you honey, at all?” “Fuck please stop asking me that, you can’t
help, this is where my mind wants me to be so this is where I am”. SILENCE.
Then the guilt starts. Why do I
do this to him I think to myself. All
he wants to do is love me and help. All
I want to do is rip his heart out for caring.
It makes my heart hurt, it makes me want to cry. SHUT UP is what I need, just shut up please
god.
The second he left for his doctor’s appointment I curled up
on the floor of our bedroom and cried for how angry it must make him when I
behave this way. And how he’d have every
right to leave me. Then I get terrified
he will and I get on my Blackberry and BBM (instant message him) how sorry I
am. He’s quiet but he does reply when I
ask him how his appointment was. He is
being short with me. Why wouldn’t he
be? When he arrives home all he said to
me was, “spill it, tell me now, what’s triggered this?” So I explained that I am struggling AGAIN
with friendships and missing them. And that
my Mom emailed me with very Mommy like expression and it just makes me wish our
entire relationship had of been so. I am
reflective. Looking backwards is a habit
that needs breaking. Forward is hard
enough to deal with without adding the pressure of looking behind you at things
you cannot change. I need to enjoy the
friends who are beside me NOW, and the mother I have NOW. The husband right beside me. The kids, the dog……etc etc.
This forward looking, stay in the NOW is easier said than
done when the brain won’t listen. The
heart does, the brain says “go fuck yourself”.
That’s the part that makes me want to punch something. The day
got no better, I just got antsier. I did
7 baskets of laundry, my back is killing me and I had apple crisp for lunch and
dinner. Booyah!
How was your fucking day? Can't I just punch someone in the throat already?
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