Tuesday February 11th, 2014 – Day 9
I am going to say when I do not make the gym rather than
go on about the fact I went. I love so much
moving every day. I am a heavy girl, you
can see as much in my previous post(s) or FB pictures (see Chunky link below). I have only ever been thin when I was sick,
on diet pills, using alcohol as
a meal replacement or going through a drastic life change and in need of controlling my food intake (aka anorexic). Any other time my
average weight would be a minimum 25 pounds overweight. Currently I am 60-75 pounds overweight and it’s
why I am moving every day. It’s helping
strengthen me up, to carry "ME" around. My knees
and back hurt less when I am exercising regularly.
I am not having a good day.
I am very OCD and it’s making me crazy(ier). I didn’t sleep at all last night. I saw every hour on the hour and finally at
9am got up and did the morning shit I do every day. When I got home from the gym I found an email
from a friend and it’s spun me into a crazy tailspin of OCD. My OCD does come out in various ways (you
have to see me do laundry) but my worst is obsessing about friends and the
drama that comes with. I am summarizing a tale in a separate post (see "There once was 5 girls"),
you can chose to read it if you want. It’s
a lot of data, a lot of information, but it’s very evident I suffer from OCD
with all the information spewed. It's also so very clear all this crap doesn’t belong in my head anymore. Anyone with half a logical brain would let it go. Unfortunately for me.....1/16th logic, 15/16ths irrational emotion.
I have spent most of this day in tears. On and off tears. My husband isn’t here so I have no one to
hold it together for. That bad “mood” I
thought was just a mood the other day is apparently a bi polar rapid decline in mood. With all my
might I’ve held it together because my husband works from home. I try so hard not to let him see this
stuff. To feel this stuff. To be impacted by this stuff. Today he is at off site meetings as he often
is and this is when I can let go and just feel it, allow it out.
On the way home from the gym the endorphins were still
active when a friend asked me to go watch her son play hockey tonight. I immediately replied, "I can't wait, I am in". Maybe I will make it but it’s doubtful. I’ve
already sent my pretty standard, “sorry can’t make it” message. I send these so often your head would spin. I
either forget appointments and promises, or I can’t pull my shit together to make
it. Today is the latter. This friend knows I am bi polar so I’ve sent,
“can’t stop bawling, sorry won’t make it”.
Who the hell knows what tonight will bring but considering all I can
think of is what food might help comfort me.
It’s not looking good. Do you know how many concerts I haven't gone to but paid for? At least a half dozen. My husband has banned me from buying tickets anymore. I never recover my full money. Most of the time I regret not going but typically last minute a bi polar person cannot make a social commitment. I honestly don't know how some of them work, I don't think I could. Unless I loved my job how would I make it every day? Even then, how do you put aside wanting to close your eyes and have life go away??
Here’s some stuff on bi polar, just for reference:
What Is Rapid
Cycling Bipolar Disorder?
Rapid cycling is
a pattern of symptoms in bipolar disorder.
In rapid cycling, a person with bipolar disorder experiences four or more episodes
of mania
or depression in one year.
Virtually anyone
can develop rapid cycling bipolar disorder. About 2.5% of the U.S. population
suffers from some form of bipolar disorder – nearly 6 million people.
About 10% to 20%
of people with bipolar disorder have rapid cycling. Women, and people with
bipolar II disorder, are more likely to experience rapid cycling.
Most people are
in their late teens
or early 20s when symptoms first start. Nearly everyone with bipolar II
disorder develops it before age 50. People with an immediate family member with
bipolar disorder are at higher risk.
What Are the
Markers of Bipolar Disorder?
The major markers
of bipolar disorder include:
- At least 1 episode of mania in the
patient's lifetime
- Episodes of depression (major
depressive disorder), which are often recurrent
Mania is a period
of abnormally elevated mood, usually accompanied by erratic behavior lasting at
least seven days at a time. Hypomania is an elevated mood not reaching full-on
mania. The usual duration is four to seven days.
(I have only had a couple of full on manic episodes and they have been VERY short. Mine are usually accompanied by a panic attack so I need to medicate it away. I am hypomanic environmentally a lot, brought on by outside forces I can't control unless I am not present in the environment).
A few people with
rapid cycling bipolar disorder alternate between periods of hypomania and major
depressive disorder. Far more commonly, though, depression dominates the
picture. Repeated periods of depression are punctuated by infrequent, shorter
periods of elevated mood.
(This is 100% my situation above).
How Is Rapid
Cycling Bipolar Disorder Diagnosed?
Bipolar disorder
is diagnosed after someone experiences a hypomanic or manic episode along with
multiple additional episodes of either mania, hypomania, mixed episodes, or
depression. Rapid cycling bipolar disorder is diagnosed after four episodes of
depression, mania, or hypomania occur within one year. "Rapid
cycling" is not in itself a diagnosis, but rather, a course specifier for
bipolar disorder that describes the pattern and frequency of episodes during a
one year period. Rapid cycling can occur at any time in the course of
bipolar disorder and may come and go at varying points over a lifetime course
of illness.
Rapid cycling
bipolar disorder can be difficult to diagnose. Rapid cycling may seem to make
bipolar disorder more obvious, but because most people with rapid cycling
bipolar disorder spend far more time depressed than manic or hypomanic, they
are often misdiagnosed with "just" depression.
For example, in
one study of people with bipolar II disorder, the amount of time spent
depressed was more than 35 times the amount of time spent hypomanic. Also,
people often don't take note of their own hypomanic symptoms, mistaking them
for a period of unusually good mood.
I was high, hypomanic, for about a week due to an environment I put myself in. An environment I chose to be in but where I have no control of the effects it has on the mechanics and chemical reaction in my brain. I crashed hard after for about a week. I thought I was out of it but I wasn’t. I became a little environmentally hypomanic
again because we had our kids the weekend I should have been recovering. I have since started declining
again. I don’t spend a lot of time,
NORMAL. If you feel normal, like
everyone else, consider yourself lucky because I feel very abnormal most of the time.
I am going to go curl up with my blanket and have a good
cry. Will be back later for a little
more before I sign off for the day.
And she's back. Still in the same frame of mind.
I find it incredible that I have become friends with a younger girl, maybe 20 I think, who is bi polar. Last night she posted a note about apologizing to friends for things, (I assume her behaviour), and whether it would matter to either the friend or herself. I did exactly that a year ago. I apologized to people I had wronged even if, in all reality, all I did was react very poorly to THEIR behaviour. Didn't matter. I said "I am sorry, that in my reacting to what happened, I was so out of line due to.....blah blah blah". It felt great to do, when and where they were open to it. I had little to no relationship with either of my parents, that has changed since. But a couple of friends I once loved very much could not forgive me for my reactions to their behaviour. I summarize that more in my other write up. To hear this kid going through what I did makes me realize how much of the reaction/action and fallout is part of this disease and frankly, it fucking sucks.
Insert some potato chip eating here. Just enough to shove away some sadness in memory of friendships lost.
Insert excuses for eating potato chips here. LOL I stopped myself pretty quick. The gym really does help you say, "naaahhhh" to the higher level of consumption of shit food.
I think now I am going to sign off for the night. I don't feel like writing anymore or finding any photos for this post.
UGH! BLAH! Good night.
And she's back. Still in the same frame of mind.
I find it incredible that I have become friends with a younger girl, maybe 20 I think, who is bi polar. Last night she posted a note about apologizing to friends for things, (I assume her behaviour), and whether it would matter to either the friend or herself. I did exactly that a year ago. I apologized to people I had wronged even if, in all reality, all I did was react very poorly to THEIR behaviour. Didn't matter. I said "I am sorry, that in my reacting to what happened, I was so out of line due to.....blah blah blah". It felt great to do, when and where they were open to it. I had little to no relationship with either of my parents, that has changed since. But a couple of friends I once loved very much could not forgive me for my reactions to their behaviour. I summarize that more in my other write up. To hear this kid going through what I did makes me realize how much of the reaction/action and fallout is part of this disease and frankly, it fucking sucks.
Insert some potato chip eating here. Just enough to shove away some sadness in memory of friendships lost.
Insert excuses for eating potato chips here. LOL I stopped myself pretty quick. The gym really does help you say, "naaahhhh" to the higher level of consumption of shit food.
I think now I am going to sign off for the night. I don't feel like writing anymore or finding any photos for this post.
UGH! BLAH! Good night.
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