Last night my husband and I started the Second Season of
House of Cards. Holy shit that show is
intense and we love it. But my OCD
kicked in because you really have to focus on the show to follow the politics
and names and I found myself playing with my earrings, the backs of them and
how tight in the ears they were. It got
to where I was going through all five earrings comparing the lengths of them in
my ears, where the backs were, and over and over again and again. I didn’t even notice until my finger started
to hurt, I have a cut on one. Yes I have
five earrings in, I actually have three more holes but a girl can only wear so
many diamonds. I have to; a) get new
matching backs for them all so I don’t do this shit anymore and likely b) get
new drugs. Well not new, increase the
dose. I am so scared of all these drugs
I am hesitate to do these increases. I
still want to be me, hysterically funny and insightful. I am good with being half a mess. I think now though it’s time to accept some
days I am more than half a mess.
I made the gym this morning.
I slept in until after 9am. I
just don’t sleep at night unless I double down on the sleep meds and I don’t
like to do that either. So I was up with
the husband until midnight watching the show and then couldn’t sleep until
3am. Ugh. I coughed in my sleep at 5am and the dog
hates when people cough, it really upsets him for some reason, it’s a new trait
and he came over and put his front paws up on the bed to ask to come up and fix
the coughing. When I got to the gym a
little later than usual there were one too many people in there. Okay there was 3 too many. Either way, it’s 30 minutes, I can do this I
said to myself. I got going and an
older, very much so, like probably mid to late 80s came in. She’s lovely, does her hair and make up
before slipping on her little workout pants which look like dress pants. She has to hold onto the machines next to her
when she walks on the spot while the rest of us jog or dance. She is really quite something. But today, no sleep, when she walked in and
took the machine right next to my mat, I almost lost in. A woman even looked at me with a sympathy
smile. There was other places, better
places she could have chosen but the one next to me was conveniently close to
her.
Here were my issues with this;
-
I have a problem with people INSIDE my personal
space, especially when I am moody. ("This is my personal space and this is YOUR personal space " *holds arms like Patrick Swayze teaching baby how to dance*)
-
It took this lovely old bird an hour and a half
to get off the workout machines. It’s a circuit,
so it is mat cardio, weight machine, mat cardio etc. I was gonna be there for 8 days at the rate
she was moving! (I have 8 hours, don't get me wrong but a person an hour might buy the farm. That's a lot of farms.)
-
She was covered in Eau d’ Toilette, you know, the
cheaper stuff that is so very powerful you feel like you’ve been peppered
sprayed? *cough* *choke* *gasp*
I have IOS. I do.
When I have stress in my life and I am not sleeping I have
no patience for this kind of stuff. I
love the old birds I do. I am the first
to take flowers to the Seniors Home up here.
I donate money regularly. I give
food to the Food Bank because we have elderly that need it. I want to learn how to knit for them, bring
them slippers. Okay Okay, I have
defended my position enough. I wanted to
leave the gym because of this old bird.
But I didn’t. I did my mat 3
times. Instead of once and to machine
which keeps me beside her I did it three times letting her move 3 spots of
away. I was a good girl. Unfortunately the fire inside me builds
sometimes. Where I can just let it
go. I get so angry and it builds and
builds
I prefer the ground level. Easier.
When I got home within seconds I took it out on my
husband. He was trying to shove much
more than would fit into the fridge when we have one three steps away in our
electrical room. So being the charmer
that I am I said, “When the fridge is full, we use the other fridge, when the
fridge is full, we use the other fridge”.
I felt like chanting, “she puts the lotion on her skin”. I fucking creeped myself out. He walked down the hall doing what I asked
and came back to me crying. I said quickly,
“God I am so sorry, that was awful, I am too tense, it’s not your fault. I’ve mentioned over stuffing this fridge a
billion times and I lost it, I am sorry”.
As usual he forgave me but what if, what if one day he decides he’s had
enough???? What then?
I thought it said "hand job" at first. Silly me. You know how to keep your spouse loving you, love yourself.
I think about that all the time if you can believe it. How much harder and how much easier life
would be alone. How much less debt I
would carry. How my expenses monthly
would be so much less, no ex wife or kids.
How much an apartment would be besides a huge home like this. How I wouldn’t have anyone to lose it on so I
could just bury it deep. How when I
wanted to not do anything, I could do absolutely nothing without someone
watching. No groceries, no bill payments
for someone else. How when I wanted to
eat what I wanted, I could without someone watching. I always lose weight alone so likely I wouldn’t
eat which also gets me in trouble under my husbands watchful eye. But then I think about all the love I would
lose out on. The love I have for him and
the kids, our family. How could I walk
away from that? I can’t. There’s that evaluation completed. But it’s an evaluation when I am low, I do
too much. And then I wonder, does he
evaluate too? And when he does, does he
come up short? I think so much too
often. And those are the bad days, the
days when I think I am not enough.
*Breathe*
That was all just on my mind today after biting his head
off. I hope he never comes up short in
his evaluation of me. I hope he loves me
forever.
Remember that family stuff I keep mentioning well it’s my
brother. His life isn’t ideal right now
so he is coming here to spend the day/night.
I so don’t want another person in my life right now. I don’t handle people around me all the time
well. One off with friends okay but
family, where I feel obligated to pretend to care. Ugh! I
love my brother don’t get me wrong but his OCD is worse than mine and we will
go over and over and over the same issue(s) while he is here. I get short of breath just thinking about
it. But he’s my big brother and I love
him so. It’s what we do for family. We love and put ourselves aside for
them. Don’t we? Aren’t we supposed too? I think it’s what we do. We take care of them at the expense of
ourselves sometimes don’t we? Should I
have felt the right to say no? Probably
feeling like I could say no would be acting much kinder to myself. But I don’t.
And I am not sure I ever will.
Thankfully I forgot how much I enjoy my brother, so there’s
that. He makes me laugh. But I am high. I was high within half hour of his
arrival. I am talking too fast, moving
too fast, dropping things. UGH! I am gonna crash after the visit. I will have to co-ordinate this week to accommodate
this and settle down. I have company
this weekend which I want to enjoy, I miss them. Girlfriends that I haven’t spent time with in
too long. This disease doesn’t exactly scream,
“SOCIALIZE”. And neither did I before I
knew I had this disease. LOL. I’ve been looking forward to this weekend for
months. Then my husband is away so I get
to come down alone. It’s better that
way. He doesn’t have to take the brunt
of it.
Being alone has its downside too, I drop REALLY low if I am
not careful. That’s when the dark
thoughts come. The “I am not valuable” thoughts. I call them my dark thoughts but I do think
about ending the pain of being low, it’s impossible not to when you can’t seem
to find your way out of a whole, a whole I spent too much time in.
Close the eyes and find the beauty in the mind, find the beauty in the soul, find the beauty in the heart.
Yesterday I said to a friend online, “Finally a chair that
fits your height”. She was sitting atop
one of those ginormous over sized chairs tourist towns have. Her response was, “Thank god you didn’t say
my ass”. Then today I was in the
Pet store and again it happened, and the woman said something along the lines of
“Thank god you didn’t say because you are ugly”. What has happened to the world of women that
it’s common place for us to insult each other?
NOTHING. We don’t really do it to
each other. We encourage each
other. But you know who we DO do it to,
ourselves. Both of these women insulted
themselves long before I even stood a chance.
It has to stop. We need to stop.
It hurt like a bitch to get this tattooed so bloody well do what it says okay!? Damn it.
If you can’t say anything nice about yourself, don’t say
anything at all.
Example: I am a fun loving kooky chunky monkey and I
love it all. Try it.
I should really have edited this, read it over, I didn't. Sorry my bad.
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