DBPW Day 22 - I am down here, keep going, further, down a little more.....

I suppose I should try and explain a bi polar low.  It’s just like being depressed accept, it comes out of nowhere, or from OCD obsessing about something, or an environmental situation.  People who suffer from depression stay depressed until they fix it chemically and/or with therapy.  People who suffer from bi polar get repeated, often, dips into depression that can only be controlled with drugs.  Enough drugs in some case you disappear.   I am not on enough drugs I’ve disappeared so I am still vulnerable to dips, severe dips. 

And this is why I am writing to you today completely and utterly lost in depression and despair.  My husband left for a trip Saturday morning.  He’d been asking me all day Friday what was wrong.  I knew what was coming, I’ve been fighting this low for so long, she was gonna win.  I call her a she, the mood, because she’s a bitch.  I could feel her creeping over me.  Friday night I overate dinner and had a dessert my overeating tummy didn’t need.  I actually cued flu like responses in my body I overate enough.  My husband went to bed early, having to get up early to go.  And unlike each day before, me in bed at 9pm, I stayed wide awake chewing my face and fingers until midnight.   I knew he was leaving and I knew it meant I was either gonna be fine or drop.  You know many happy people emphasize how you have a choice.  Well you DON’T with Bi Polar or depression.  It just is.  And you deal with it as best you can.   So please do not judge.  Do not offer someone who is sick a unrealistic cure.  Just listen and love. 

I don’t normally go to the gym on the weekend.  I try to get some pilates in on my reformer but not this weekend.  Saturday I went to get coffee and ended up hitting up the grocery store too.  I needed water, l like the huge bottles.  I also bought a large pie and 12 oatmeal raisin cookies.  By last night they were all gone.  The cookies went blindingly fast, the pie took two days.  I know when I am eating like this it’s because in my mind I am saying;

“I don’t give a fuck”

“In this mood the only happiness I will get is from food, enjoy it”

“I’m big boned (LOL) anyways so who cares”

“I will watch what I eat tomorrow”

“A pie in two days isn’t THAT bad (for a family of 4)”

“Get rid of the food, make it disappear, food is the enemy”

“I hate myself anyways”

All of the above having been said the last two days.  Not nice stuff.  But it happens and I try to get a grip on it as best I can.  I am still here aren’t I?   Trust me when I say that’s a goal, the end goal.  To still be here tomorrow. 

For now, these are today’s goals, as limited as they might be.  This is all I will likely be able to do, to get out of my own head:

-          I am going to ride out this low as best I know how.  Meditate, medicate, write write write (alternate forum, a book).

-          I am going to shower damn it.  Full bloated belly or not, it is not the zombie apocalypse, a girl needs to shower every day.

-          I am going to make a nice big healthy breakfast to tie me through until lunch.  Lunch will be decent and dinner even better.  That said if I have a treat, I will NOT obsess about it or punish myself for it. 

-          I am going to be nice to myself all day long.   I am going to be kind to myself all day long.

-          I am going to try to exercise, yoga, pilates, stretching, anything.

-          I am going to remember this body is only a vessel and my mind the steering, I am essentially in control.  As much as one can be when the steering column is broken in the vessel.  

This is how a bi polar low feels.  And it’s okay.  I don’t have to feel judged by all those that say a smile will make everything go away.  Not really.  Drugs maybe, a smile would be a lie.  I drove to town this morning to get my morning coffee and had fun music on.  Remember how I said it soothes the savage beast.  I had to turn it off.  It was so happy it was only making me sadder that I wasn’t enjoying it.   Then my thoughts go to dark places like my funeral and whether I could have a bouncer there with a guest list and bounce out the people who hurt me and continue to do so in their treatment of me.  Their lack of understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness.   Then I think of ways it could be done.  And I stop myself.  Right there.  I tell myself how ridiculous it is to think about when I know I do not have the courage to leave the people I love so much.  The ones that are here.  The ones that do understand, accept and forgive.  The dog that doesn’t know any better than to love me unconditionally.  The rabbits that only know to snuggle or bite me, both meaning I am their property, they own me.  The friends that I know would think to turn to me one day, only to be reminded I wasn’t there.  The husband I am not sure could go on without me.  And the kids that would again wonder what part they played in the tragedy that is life for divorced kids.  And then I stop thinking how to do it and I cry because life is hard right now, really hard.  My heart aches for a million reasons and none.

But I am still here.  So far so good for today. 

 

NAILING THIS BITCH!

-          Still here.

-          Had a good healthy breakfast.

-          Meditated (loving kindness meditation).

-          Pilates.

-          Shower.

-          Haven’t insulted myself once yet.

-          Food is for sustenance.

I will let ya know tomorrow if anything changes but so far so good.