DBPW (Diary of a Bi Polar Woman) Day 2

Tuesday February 5th, 2014

I woke this morning at like 5am.  My body was screaming, "You, yeah you, you've been in bed for 18 hours, perhaps it's time to get up, horizontal perhaps, I mean just a thought you lazy ass?".  Nope I replied, fuck you, sleeping more.  By 830am I was sick of it myself. I got up.  I splashed water where water needed to go, deodorized and perfumed the same and threw on my gym clothes.  To hell with feeling miserable, I am going to the gym.  Them endos will help (endorphins).

Off I went.

I spent the entire 15 minute drive to the gym behind someone doing 75 in an 80 and I refused to let my anger from the previous day make me pass this driver.  I had no where to be, no where fast, no appointment, this is my life, freedom.  FREEDOM.  Most people can only dream of having nothing to do in a day but go to the gym and feed a dog and 3 rabbits.  That's what was on my schedule today.  Hate me yet?  There I was, without a REAL care in the world talking myself through "breathe in, breathe out.  breathe in....."  Why do I need to say in my head breathe out??? I never understood this.  I can't hold my breath forever, it has to come out, why do I have to say so????    Why can't I say "breathe in.....it comes out, breathe in.....it comes out". 

Either way, I was breathing successfully (yay me) when the car in front of me turned off the highway so I gunned it to 89, just as I entered the 60km/hr zone.....

...........only to be caught on the radar by a cop!  Apparently 89 is what his car said too.  

When the cop reached my car I handed him all my information without a word spoken.  He said, "You were doing 89 in a 60 zone, going a little fast there".  "I know" I said, followed with "I am sorry".  I must have sounded off because he said, "Are you okay?  In a hurry?"  "No, I am just sorry".  I followed.  He then looked at me and I think he could see the tear rolling down my far side cheek so he said again, "Are you okay?".  So I admitted it, I said, "I am Bi Polar and am having a bad day, probably why I didn't see the speed limit but it's still no excuse".  Him, "Do you need to go see a doctor?"  He looked concerned.  "No", I said, "but thank you for caring, I am used to this really, I can handle it?"  Off he went to write the ticket.  When he came back he gave me a 70km in a 60km zone.  Very nice of him.   And he asked me to feel better and not take it out on the roads.  I thanked him again, no emotion but I think another tear crept out.  I never meant to tell this guy my sob story, I just blurted out the truth.  I had a bad day the day before and now....well there he stood with life slapping me a, "How you like me now bitch?"  I wasn't about to say that, or "Fucking figures within a half an hour of trying to make a positive day, this happens".  Or, "Just take me to the hospital, I want the "go away humans" drugs".  I figured "thank you" and "sorrys" were my better options, don't you?

I think I was trying so hard today to turn off my brain that nothing was registering.  I didn't even sign in to the gym properly and had to start the workout over again.  Be damned if I wasn't going to see it through though, be damned.  I WILL work out and you endorphins were going to cheer me the fuck up.  You hear me endorphins, do you?  Says a lot too because there were a lot of people in the gym and normally I would turn and leave at the sight of humans.  Literally if there are too many people I walk in, look around, and walk out and no one has asked me yet why.  It's happened twice.  LOL  *It's humans, RUN*  But I didn't.  Push through it woman, have a work out, dance a little. 

I was angry today because I felt vulnerable and the machines were gonna take the brunt of it.  By machine 6 of the circuit, that's 6 machines and 6 cardio dances I suddenly felt a tear from my low right back through the glute and down my leg.  Awesome! I either pulled or potentially tore something in my ass cheek, my fucking ass cheek!  I couldn't even walk without extreme pain and had to change into my boots, which were on the floor.  I dropped them 3 times before giving up and just wearing the "indoor sneakers" home.  And there was that too, driving home.  Dan was in the city for meetings all day for the first time in well over a week.  I had to drive home using the leg that was currently screaming, "I hate you!"  Then there was having to tell the gym's coach why I was leaving mid work out without stretching and just waiting for her to ask me to sign a myriad of paperwork releasing them from the liability of my ripping my ass cheek.  The severe limp got her attention pretty fucking quick.  

By the time I made it home I had a twitch in my right leg enough so the truck was lurching forward most of the drive.  Faster, off, faster, off, faster, off the gas pedal I went all the way home.  It was so bad I felt carsick even.   *shakes head*  All I could think was, I am going to vomit in my own car and if that happens I am pulling over and just going to stay in my car until Dan comes home.  He can find me roadside with vomit all over me.  LOL

Did I mention when I walked into the gym I started dancing, as I usually do in the cardio portions of the circuit.  I love my little dancing parts.  It makes me so happy.  I was dancing and right into it before the injury.  It was to a remix (electromix? is that a thing now?) of the song, "Hand Jive".  I couldn't figure out for the life of me with the rhythm I had going on, it was dope (LOL), why it wasn't making me happy.  Then it hit me, it was because that song was actually in the comment section of a picture of my ex long time friend's Facebook page from the Mexico trip I mention in Day 1 of my DBPW.  The trip I wished I had of been able to go on.  The one where if we were all still friends I likely would have been on!  Can you believe it?  I went to the gym to ensure my day was a good one.   

So here's how today went in case you weren't able to keep up.  The day I was determined to make a good one.  

1.  I got up.  Amazing accomplishment really. 

2.  I got dressed.  Oscar worthy accomplishment. 

3.  I drove to the gym and got a speeding ticket, only really thirty minutes into being awake. 

4.  I went into the gym and started dancing angrily to a song that was screaming "think about your ex friends who hate you (insert dramatic exaggeration here).

5.  Then I pulled a muscle in my low back and ASS (that's joyfully already getting a 2am MRI Thursday where I won't be able to move as it twitches in agony). 

6.  The above was followed by bacon, two eggs, and a coffee.  Not so bad considering I wanted a bag of chocolate covered potato chips instead really.

7. I finished yesterday's blog entry.

8. I put a heat patch on my ass. 

9. I put a cold patch on my ass. (I never know which to do so I do both).

10. I had a cry.

11. I ate half a bag of chips. (They were sadly not covered in chocolate).

12. I had a cry.

13. I ate 8 mini Mars bars.

14. I had a cry.

15. I stretched out the pulled muscle while crying.  (that's skill yo', I didn't drown in my own tears).

It really doesn't get better from there......At least I stopped crying.

16. Oh wait, that's a lie.  I paid the speeding ticket and the taxes, which both made me cry. 

Yeah, that's about it now I think.

So how was your day?  I completed 16 things today.  I have such a feeling of accomplishment.

Mine was a real worthless gem.  Worthless like those giant candy sucker rings.  Wait no.  Those have value, they are fun and giant candies. 

I'm going to go meditate myself to sleep in hopes that I dream of butterflies and unicorns, and try again tomorrow.