DBPW - Day 52 Go fuck yourself Joan!

I am pretty down today.  I made the gym as usual but I am really not well mentally today I noted when I got home.  I am tired, I am down, I am sore in places I don't want to be sore in.  LOL

I guess it's a down day folks. 

Have you all heard about Joan Rivers and Lena Dunham issue?  Apparently Joan has called her fat and that Lena promotes obesity and diabetes (and that's all, not girl power whatsoever).  That looking like Lena will cause diabetes and nothing but.  That Lena is a "fat girl" and shouldn't look or dress the way she does. 

Here's the link: (I don't want to be the only person raging over this bitch)

Joan Rivers is a C..T

The first time I saw Lena Dunham in her show in her underwear I thought to myself, "YOU GO GIRL, I couldn't do it".  And I couldn't do it because of the likes of assholes like Joan Rivers who say we shouldn't do it.   I should never say "I couldn't" do anything about my body because of another person or persons. 

I wonder if Joan thinks this model is a step away from diabetes as well?

 

Jesus the one below HAS to have diabetes.  HAS to.

Does Joan have any concerns for what she is promoting about aging gracefully???  I mean even the likes of Cher, who is 67 to Joan's 80, looks a hell of a lot better having apparently chosen a doctor based on their skill set and not the cost.

 

Gotcha a little dealio on the nip tuck didn't ya girl? 

 

I've done better with playdoh. 

 

 

 

Much much better.

 

BUT....what happened to looking LIKE ourselves?  Just like god meant us to look like?  And us actually liking ourselves for it?

 

 

DBPW - Day 51 Asses anyone???

NOT A GOOD DAY!

Had to get up and head to the city for a 9am colonic followed by an 11am colonoscopy.  I got home by 2pm this afternoon.  So that's up at 530am and by 2pm, that's about 5 hours of driving and 2 1/2 hours of doctors and hospitals. 

 

No *ahem* shit.

 

I think I am a bad person or else I wouldn't have had so many hands up my ass today, I am sure it's penance for something.  Has to be.

FYI - WARNING for anyone considering colonics as part of a cleansing process.  I went to a high end place today because I couldn't "cleanse" on my own with a 2 hour drive before the doctor's appointment.  During the colonoscopy the surgeon showed me adhesions/scratches in my colon wall from the colonic!!!  This is a place that came highly recommended by a nutritionist and a nutritional consultant.   The surgeon said she repairs tears in the bowel walls all the time from colonics and does not recommend them for ANYONE!

Seriously people, rethink that *ahem* shit.

When I got home after all this joyous driving and blissful prodding, my back from all this was just a wee sore.  As I took my minimal pain medication and settled into an ice pack my doctor called to tell me she would like me to wean right off the pain medication.  I take 5mg of Oxycontin (I know it's a scary word) with 325mg of Acetaminophen (Tylenol).  I have taken 1-2 of these pills every 6-8 hours for 3 years, with no change in the dosage, and suddenly because street people are buying and stealing 100mg pills and snorting them I might have to go back to being in constant pain. 

Apparently I am the girl in the car, "I just wanna go home".

Hey you addicts, faaaaaack you. 
Choke on it.
Sincerely,
A legitimate pain sufferer.

Now I have to make a doctors appointment to drive BACK to Toronto and see what other medication we can use to reduce pain that works with all my bi polar medication. 

Oh how I love being me, oh how I love being me.....nah nahh nah, you're jealous, I know it. 

Guess what else?  When I have the hysterectomy surgery, I might have to stop taking my Arthritis medication which helps with all the inflammation in my spine and shoulders.  It seems this medication can cause excess bleeding, don't want that during surgery.  I am guessing, just an estimate, that in about 3 months I could be bed ridden.  Who's coming to visit?  I will be a real fucking peach that day when all the drugs are out and I am in agony, a real peach. 

I mean really.

Perhaps it's not all this bad and it will all work itself out but after a weekend of being up and no sleep and now all this, I am not in a good frame of mind, at all.  I am angry, pissed off, and a little on the sucky side.  Fuck you humans!  Fuck you. 

So I will sign off with this, until you've had three people shove stuff up your ass in one day, literally, you have had a better day than me.  And while I have said "don't compare", you really should in this case as I am pretty sure you will come out having had a better day than I. 

"Assume the position please Mrs. Weir"....MOFO!

I am so taking up smoking pot so I won't give a fuck about a duck or anything else for that matter.  It can't be any worse than what I am apparently doing now and I will eat the same.  After starving myself for another day and a half for this colon invasion, I just finished eating anything and everything within my sight line and reaching span.  Figure with pot it will be about the same no?  Cheetos anyone?

Talk about an honest post.  Well why the fuck not.  I am miserable and you can't make me see today otherwise.  My arse hurts.

Look at my arse, poor fella!

DBPW - Day 50 Oh so tired....

I cannot believe, no matter how little or big, I have written to you fine folks for 50 days!  And some of you have read them all.  That's pretty cool, thanks.  I have a couple of book ideas, one being a year in the life of a Bi Polar Woman because more of us gals are finding ourselves diagnosed with this or depression and I think more of us need to know it's not uncommon.  We need to talk about this more.  So I hope, at the end of the year I have something, somewhat, that resembles a book with some insight and tips on how to handle this new life post diagnosis.  I have two other books I am working on as well.  It's all very overwhelming so this, here, is where I think I will be able to pull it together and really have some meat for a decent book.  "Here's how to live a life as a crazy woman!" 

I sometimes wonder if it's enough, if I am enough, if what I say is important enough and then I realize just talking about living through this is enough.  I've read books by people with this disease and they were fascinating in their day to day ups and downs and that's me, day to day, up and down.  Plus I am having a hysterectomy I believe in the next year and that too, will be interesting to see how that affects a woman and whether or not my symptoms, the mood swings, adjust as well.  I wonder if part of my problems are not derived from hormone issues stemming from the uterus.  That baby carrier part of me that's never been used but certainly has made its presence known from the start of things. 

This past weekend was a girls weekend at my home.  I had up a few friends I made during my time playing softball in Toronto.  It was great.  There was only 3 of us, I kept it small.  I had to, I don't do well in large groups anymore.  One person can overwhelm my heightened sensitivities now.  We ate loads of great food, drank silly alcohol girly drinks and watched movies in front of the fire.  In the olden days, you know, 5 years ago before a 4 preceded the number in my age, we would be up until 5am, staggering our way to bed sideways, now, midnight was our latest greatest hour.  In fact, Saturday I couldn't even drink OR make it to midnight as the others did, I only saw 10pm. 

 

Girly drinks 1 and 2 - classy picture with my shirt and all.  Fantastic shot of me.  UGH!  LOL Like I always say, "I am who I am".

 

I bought these drinks in the States, stupidly yummy!

 

 

This is how girls eat on girls weekends.  Guys order pizza if they are lucky enough to remember, girls, we cook bar food.  Table full o' nachos!

We pretty much were united in our movie choices and the fact we had to outrun each other to the bathroom at the funny parts.  "I am peeing already, out of my way".  The Heat is one of the funniest chick movies in a long time and Pitch Perfect is just a fun music chick flick. 

 

 

The best socks ever!  I love these.  Especially on someone 50 plus years young!

 

Friday night being the midnight evening and I probably had 10 drinks.  Maybe less, definitely not more.  I love slushy type drinks and that's what my girlfriend Ruth and I did.  One after the other.  Both of us popping Zantac in between them for the digestive aid.  It's bad when you need to take a pill to take a drink.  You know you should quit when..... I did some investigation this morning and an alcohol induced sleep is not a good sleep.  You will go to sleep fast but have a restless night.  Really?  I would never have guessed that seeing 5am on the clock pass by without a half hours sleep.  I thought it was a manic episode (high Bi Polar time) due to the socialization environment but it seems booze does this to a girl.  In the past I was still awake partying at 5am so I must not have noticed the lack of sleeping abilities.  By the time I laid in bed though my back was in agony and in doing said research I realized that when you have joint issues as I do, back and shoulder, the alcohol thins the blood causing more blood to flow into the joints causing swelling and pain.  It's so true.  Saturday I had only two drinks, felt the pain come on and just packed it in.  Couldn't do it.  I was in bed Saturday by ten pm and slept again, restlessly through the night.  Still faced the pain but at least that night I could take a bit of medication.  I didn't think it wise Friday with the ten pack of mixed drinks in me.  I am not sure it was ten really, probably more like 6 or 7, *gulp*, I think. 

Upon the closing ceremonies Sunday I was napping during the day and in bed by 9pm last night.  I am a Rock Star in my own mind, truly I am.  NOT!  Now to the Bi Polar part.  Alcohol, is really not great for people suffering with depression.  It's a depressant.  You drink and feel great then stop drinking and crash.  Saturday I could feel the difference between my feelings about being social as compared to Friday and by Sunday I was really wiped out emotionally.  Today I am even more numb with a little bit of bitchy tossed in for good measure.  The husband said last night, "You seem okay compared to the past and your hangover days".  He thanked me when I told him Saturday was really my hangover day.  However, that said, I can barely keep my eyes open today and, the mood, well it's certainly not sunny!  I haven't crashed into a low.....yet.  I hope not too.  I think the volume of sleep and water consumed has helped.  But this is it for me, this is it for my social drinking.   I am done.  I had basically already given up drinking a few years ago, I just didn't make a solid commitment to the idea.  I hoped to dance on a bar top again I guess.  I realize now not only should I not do that, let's be real, I'd need a crane to get up to the bar top.  I might have a singular adult slushy now and again but as for "tying one on", this girl is done.  I am going to be the one sober girl amongst many unless I take up pot which considering this post below, doesn't look like a good idea. 

http://thegirlranting.blogspot.com/2013/09/just-call-me-pothead.html

It's probably for the best.  I am not a dumb girl and drinking alcohol when you suffer from a mental disorder, well, it just doesn't seem smart, at all. 

DBPW Day 49 - We don't JUST eat on girls weekend, we talk too!

Well friends, my girl's weekend is at an end and I am sad, tired and in pain.  But all things said, it could be worse.  I could be hungover, sick, broken.....I am capable of all of them when there's alcohol around.  The fact I am not hungover, sick with an alcohol induced cold or have a broken bone or something of mechanical nature around the house is a miracle.  My own step son emailed me last night and asked only, "What's broken so far?" I mean really.  Rude! 

Three of my dearest friends left today.  One this morning and two just now.  I am sad to see them all go as I know it will be a while before I see them again as I live far away.  I am happy to get some down time before my doctor's appointments this coming week too though.  I have another starve day tomorrow and Tuesday am with a trip to the city tossed in for good measure.  I like my down time, I need it or I get too bitchy.  With a husband working mostly from home I don't get much alone time anymore.  Big bitch comes out when she has to behave too long.

So what was scientifically discovered on girls weekend?  One, I can no longer drink.  I like to, I like the taste even, especially of adult slurpies, slushy like drinks.  But I can handle two of them and I become giggle girl.  I am not a fan of giggle girl.  She makes my belly muscles hurt.  Two, alcohol causes hot flashes if you are in the throws of that "time", and I am.   I was swimming in my own clothes.  And three, alcohol is an inflammatory.  It is.  it's no wonder alcoholics are usually all bloated.  My back (spine) screams I pain when I drink alcohol, and I mean SCREAMS.  I feel like I fell down a flight of stairs on my back it's so bad.  I can hardly stand for any length of time, basically my back is as they say "out".  It's fucked up right now so apparently I still have alcohol in my system.  If you have any sort of inflammation issues, arthritis etc, DO NOT DRINK.  Or conversely, drink enough you don't care.   I didn't get there.  Friday I had probably 10 drinks to test the theory and by the time I went to bed, I couldn't take any pain meds for fear of "famous people death", (too many "things" in the system at bed time).  Although I don't shoot heroin for pain, it's still dicey to be messing with a "cocktail" of anything after ten drinks.  I successfully completed my scientific experiment and now I can say for sure, "alcohol be bad". 

Saturday night I had two drinks and called it a night.  I couldn't overlook the pain anymore.  I am sorry but it's a scientific, tested and verified by moi (see above) fact, that alchohol doesn't help inflammatory issues.  I also tested the theory of whether a 43 mother of two could party two nights in a row.  The answer is no.  Girls Gone Mild is an understatement.  Girls Gone Nowhere is more like it.  Friday I was up until at least midnight, WHOO WHOO, but Saturday...10pm.  Lame as they get.  I am really considering another stab at pot, the MJ, the ganja, the "smoke". 

You know what else I proved on girls weekend.  Food is not only necessary but it's worshipped by us women.  Friday night was Margaritas and a nacho platter the size of a table.  Saturday morning was bacon and cheddar croissant wraps.  Saturday afternoon/evening was Lobster and Clam Chowder with freshly baked croissants.  Sunday morning was thick cut bacon and Chelsea bite buns, along with powdered mini donuts.  Sunday lunch, home made pizza with brie, pears, and caramelized onions, and one with zucchini, tomatoes and goat cheese.  To say women eat well when they come together is an understatement and there is no judgement.  The walk to get a 3rd helping is applauded.  It frees up someone else to get in there.  I am so full right now I am pretty sure I can make my ACTUAL colonoscopy appointment Tuesday without eating until then.  I will have no need for food for a good 40 hours I'd bet.  Won't stop me from tackling the husband from the leftovers of anything.  He didn't cook em, "out of the way jackass, Mama gots some foods to eats". 

This was a weekend by the fire of eating, drinking and endless movie reels and I needed it, a lot.  You can't thank god enough for girlfriends.  Women, when we get together and love each other, there's nothing like it. 

DBPW - Day 48 ....a drink?

This is girl’s weekend.  It’s not a full on rager, because let’s face it, I am 99 years old.  Okay 43, but close enough.    My two girlfriends arrived last night, one due today.  They arrived with a case of beer and a BOX OF ALCOHOL.  I don’t mean a box of wine as wonderfully tacky as that is fun but an actual box full of different bottles of alcohol and mix for adult slurpies.  All ya need is a box of booze and an IPhone apparently to mix up the worlds greatest list of slushies.  Slushy, slurpy, it’s all the same.  It’s a frozen drink and booze.  Hellloooooo!

They arrived last night around 7pm.  We had our first drinks until 8pm and I served up a flat, a large tray of nachos.  There was enough nachos for 12 people, there was 3 of us.  We ate almost all of it.  Talk about bloat.  The three of us all undid our pants and drank more.  It was 1130pm and us Grandmas tucked it in for the night.  1130!  We used to stay up until dawn now we all gasped a sigh of relief when the first said, “I am ready for bed”.  I just about peed when I heard that.  I thought as the host I was gonna have to stay up.

Here’s the problem.  Alcohol is an inflammatory.  My back hasn’t been that sore since I actually herniated the discs.  Then I got into bed and the social aspect of it all had apparently made me a little manic (high).  I stayed up until 5am.  Now maybe that was the bi polar or maybe that was my back and the 100 pound furball snoring and flopping around in my bed.

Would I take a second of it back?  NOT A CHANCE.  Today I plan on having another drink or two but maybe not 10. 

 

DBPW - Day 47 Apples to oranges, they don't compare.

I have company this weekend so any posts are going to be short and sweet so I thought I would tackle this one while it was on my mind. 

 

 

I saw this the other day and posted it on FB for my friends to see and agree too, as I am so agreeable too.  I am not sure there isn’t a woman alive who hasn’t said, “You’re prettier than her”.  In fact I know a girl who would ask that question every single time she split with a boy, “I’m prettier than her right?” We all do it.  “Fat ankles” joke didn’t come from nowhere.  We needed something to pick on the Super Model for.  We are essentially insulting another for our own self worth gain.  And 9 times out of 10, it's not working, and sometimes not even the truth.  Cindy Crawford's ankles are just fine, beautiful in fact.  Mine have a nicer definition by tattoos but if she got one, we'd be tied again.  Seriously though, we insult another to gain???  Does that feel right when we talk about it outright like this?  Does it?

I’ve written about this before, about how when I see someone particularily beautiful I will say so.  I tend to stick to ladies because when it’s a man I get all flustered and can’t talk properly anymore.  I used to have such game with the boys, no more.   I think women need to compliment women more.  We need to show not only are we content within ourselves and not jealous, but that we are noticing the beauty in others. 

I once had a friend say, “when you compliment me I always seem to feel bad”.  It was because I used to say, “God you look so good, I am so jealous”.  What I left her with was, “I am so jealous”…."oh of me, I am sorry" she would think.  Instead of leaving her with “God you look good” end of story, I was leaving her as if she never got the compliment at all.  I don’t do that anymore.  It resonated with me.  I now compliment and that’s that.  I don’t compare.  "You look fucking fantastic".  I don't even ask what's in the water they are drinking anymore.  They just look great!  I will find my own fountain of youth.

 

 

My grassy ass is no greener than your gracias.  Trust me.  Maybe you might think that I am thinner than you, have better clothes than you, hair, skin, whatever.  But I guarantee you I am looking at you thinking, “ohhhh how I wish I had a waist like her”.  While it’s okay to think these things, we cannot define ourselves by others.  It’s like comparing apples to oranges, you are going to look pretty stupid in the end they are different fruit.  End of story.  

Have you ever said, “things could be worse” while looking at someone in humour.  Basically you are saying, "hey look there, I could be worse off, I could be them”.  Think about that for a second please.  Get out of the moment of self loathing and realize what you have just done.  You have looked upon someone you think is in a very bad position in life and mocked them for it.  You compared your apple ass to their orange and you don’t even know if they are riddled with disease.  Or maybe, just maybe, they are healthy and happy, content as a clam and there you are comparing yourself in misery.  Who's better off now?

We need to stop women, ladies, girls….we need to stop.  No more telling our kids, “Oh you are so much prettier than your bestie”.  NO MORE.  “You are BOTH so beautiful”.  While we want our children to have a strong sense of self it shall not be at the expense of another girl thus ingraining the training (ooooh that’s a rap song in the making, say it like "insane in the membrane") in our young girls. 

Take a moment today, compliment yourself then go find someone else to compliment and don’t judge them or yourself while doing so.  Just give it away, give it away now (sorry little Red Hot Chili Pepper moment, I am feeling very musical).  Go and give joy for free.  It costs nothing if have no judgement of yourself as you do so. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DBPW - Day 46 My best Brenda!

I have to tell you, even if it's not a bad day, getting a card, a random piece of mail, from a girlfriend, for no other reason than her telling you that you are her best friend and she loves you, is amazing.  Thank you cards are lovely.  Christmas cards, well if you must.  Birthday cards, kind of special.  But a "no reason" card, those are the best. 

My best friend Brenda has been by my side since we were 7 and 8 years old.  Soon to be 40 years.  There isn't a time where she hasn't been a big part of my life.  We didn't get along for maybe a month in all that time as she figured out who she was and I adjusted to that identity.  We weren't destined to fall apart as friends, we never will.

Sometimes when I am down and she knows, I get a card. 

Sometimes when I am not down and she knows, I get a card.

I cry every time.  She gets me every single time because the words are perfect.  They simply express to me my importance in her life.  If I mean nothing else that's enough for me.  I don't express it to her the same way, but she knows.  I have a different way of showing my love. 

She is my sister.
She is the love of my life.
She is my best friend.
She is my Brenda.

To know her is a gift. 

P.S. Yes, my husband is aware he cannot get between us, ever so she is Sister Wife #2.  If only she'd put out so I could get a break.  *sigh*