DBPW - Day 101 We are only life's puzzle peices...

As a lot of you know, I am changing my Bi Polar medication because there were just too many contradictions from the doctor(s), one saying this, one saying that.  What I am going off of is an anti- depressant that they claim can help with chronic pain.  As some of you know I have multiple herniated discs in my spine.  I am just playing catch up for any newbies here.  I just heard that this drug is no longer being touted as a pain reducer because people were killing themselves on it (soothing news for me).  It was apparently causing such dramatic mood shifts, highs and lows people were hurting themselves when all they wanted was pain relief.  I was also told by a doctor that anti- depressants can be counterproductive against Bi Polar meds.  Uhhhhm, hello, why am I on these then?  As a result, we have been weaning off them and another drug.  I would tell you the story about the other drug too but it’s basically the same deal.  I am on two drugs they are not sure, not really sure at all, are doing me any good.  To get off these types of drugs that play with the neurons in the brain you have to taper off them slowly, each week reducing them by ever so little amounts.   I am noticing changes in myself each day. 

*gulp*

What I am finding is my temper is coming back.  I think I was stoned for the last 5 plus years.  My senses numbed.  Please do not panic I am still on a Bi Polar drug (similar to Lithium, a newer drug) and the plan is to increase that drug when the other meds are weaned off.  But in the meantime, wow, am I feeling more like the old me from years back.  I feel very sarcastic and angry.  Yes, that was the delightful old me.  Yay me!  Now after all this mindful self-love learning shit, I am not sure this change is a good thing.  I just arrived on happy place, mindful island, for christ sakes!  I don't want to live my life in an emotional bubble but to go back to being the defensive me, not sure.  I packed up my defensive tackle gear a long time ago.  Now I just feel like a raw piece of meat waiting to be attacked and not the hell sure what's gonna happen when I am.  I think this is what rabid dogs must feel like.  Scared but if you fuck with them, watch out.  I am definitely trying to be mindful of what I do and say now with the "lovely old charming me peeking back out".  Okay maybe the "speaking mindfully" part still needs some work.

 

Recently my blog grabbed the attention of a publishing company out of Europe.  When I posted how happy and excited I was a friend immediately said, "Check if it's legit".  I of course went immediately to a place of ,"Oh right, why would they be legit, it's only MY writing, who'd want that?"  I quickly realized that was ALL ON ME.  Even if she was jealous and saying that only out of her emotion, I ALLOWED it hit me THAT particular way.  Knowing this, having the tools to see this, I let it go.  Well I wrote about it verbatim first, then I let it go.  Girls gotta write.  I need material from which to teach the masses.  

 

Today I posted about a place in Alberta I think it is, that is giving parents a $5 deduction on their bill, it's a restaurant, when their kids "behave".  Now the definition of behaving is a tough one, it's subjective.  Two people may have completely different ideas of what behaving means when it comes to their children.  But I said I would give an extra $5 if I, personally, thought they "behaved".  You see, very recently I was in an upscale restaurant and two kids were playing instruments at their table using the cutlery and plates. No, I am not against music per say, or musical child prodigies, but this was just noise.  Then one child actually put his foot in my purse on the back of my chair to launch himself over the back of his mother's chair. I guess she trapped him in the corner very knowingly.  Eventually as all heads turned in their direction, the father took both kids out for a walk.  These two kids didn't belong in a nice, non-family oriented, bar like restaurant, and it was obvious to all.  The kids were bored stiff, they were competing with the live music to be seen and heard.  It was dreadful.  But when I posted I would give $5 that same "legit" comment friend seemed to come back fighting.  Asking what my definition of "behavior" was because her child is known to wander restaurants and say hello to people.  Again, I found myself in a defensive tackle position. 

 

oh so cute...really no, he is...

 

Please note where I say above, "she seemed" to come back at me fighting.  I took it that way.  Was that how it was meant????

 

Assume the position.  Ready.  Steady.  And DEFEND.

It was time to take stock.  Was this me?  Is it me changing drugs?  Am I too emotional, maybe too angry?  I mean I haven't been this way in a long time?  Maybe I am rapid cycling into the abyss, a place I know.  Instead of letting this all go to my head and drive me crazier than Solange Knowles, I trusted my friendship enough to email the person.

 

Here's what I said; "Hey, little insecure about the legit response to my fantastic news and the kids in restaurants posting.  I got insecure about your legit comment, I DID THAT, that's on me.  I need you to know it was NOT ABOUT YOU.  And on the restaurants, I wasn't talking about your child, I would never".  Immediately her response came back.  She's just busy and her comments have been short because of that.  With the "legit" comment she was quick to explain she's just really busy and went into quick, have no time, protective of her friend’s talent mode.  And per the kid post she was trying to joke about her daughter thinking restaurants are "get to know people time".  I guess her daughter literally will walk around greeting people into the restaurant! LOL I would have preferred that to foot in purse on my Tom Ford sunglasses people! 

 

*Whew*

 

*Shoulders drop below ears*

 

What this whole post reminds me is that we miscommunicate every single day especially electronically.  When we do not attempt to get to the source of the problem, we get nowhere.  If I hadn't gone to her and said, "Hey, I know this is likely all on ME" and MEANT it, we would still be fighting?  She needed to know I wasn't attacking her when I went to her, that I knew it could all be MY feelings at play.  When you go to someone and you check your ego at the door, you get the response you are looking for 9 times out of 10.  A good person will come back to you when you've checked your ego and check theirs.  They will put aside a need to defend and judge and say, "Let’s meet in the middle here".  Our egos are our superficial sense of self and at this age (day and age), if we cannot interact with ego aside we have done very little growing as a human being.  You need to be able to present yourself, ego at your side, to another human being to have an honest and authentic interaction.  If you cannot do this, then the "Town Of Superficiality" is going to be where you reside.  And your interactions will live there too.  Drop that ego, try to interact with someone you care about without it and you won't believe how much more fulfilled you feel.  How much deeper things can go, how much more love you feel.  It's truly amazing.  Trust me if this bitch can do it, and I define the word bitch, so can you!

 

That said, be careful.  There are those ones though, the 1 out of 10.  There is that one person you are going to need to watch for.  Those damn one percenters that will kick you while your ego is down.  They know you have put your ego aside for the better good and they are gonna pull back their foot and knock you so far off your pedestal of hope that you won't know what hit you.  Those are the people you don't want around you.  Had this gal come back in fight mode telling me off I would have known right then and there, she had zero interest in the understanding of ME or my position.  At this age, at our age, there is no time for that anymore.  There just isn't.  We are solidifying ourselves as people at this age and fighting, its bullshit.  End of story.  Continued fighting means we cannot see eye to eye.  Do you want to be constantly staring up or down at someone?  My neck hurts just thinking about it!  Even Steven, level playing field.  In social interactions we need to make it so.

 

It's like a puzzle.  This is the time in our lives where we need to be completing our puzzles of life.    After years of working on our own pieces, cutting and shaping them to fit into our day to day, we cannot start cutting and pasting others to fit too.  We have to focus on our important puzzle pieces.  Our spouses, kids, careers.  They all seem to fit fine.  We cannot force other pieces to fit our puzzle needlessly.  We cannot waste time trying to mould them into ours.  We have to realize our puzzle no longer works with them in it and that's okay.  They have their own puzzle too ya know? It goes both ways.  Once you can pull your piece out and realize it simply doesn't fit their puzzle either you will be better for it.  Let them get on with their picture and you focus on yours.  Puzzles are hard enough.  Did you know it takes months to do a 1000 piece puzzle?  (Way too much OCD over here to have that sitting on ma' table unfinished!)  Imagine each day of your life as a puzzle piece, do you really need to make all pieces fit or just the important ones that seem to fit into YOUR picture perfectly?

 

I don't know about you but my hands are sore from trying to customize my puzzle to fit people that just don't want to be in my picture anymore.  And worse trying to make my piece fit in their puzzle too.  "But wait, why don't you fit, right there, there's a spot, come onnnnnnnn, fit in there.  Damn it."

 

I finally have my puzzle figured out.  That or the drug decision was a bad call and I am going off the rails. 

 

Tomorrow will tell. 

 

 

 

 

DBPW - Day 100 Suddenly UGLY?

*Oh, do a little dance*
*Make a little love*
*Get down tonight*
*ooohhhh*
*Get down tonight*

I wrote 100 posts in a row in as many days!  I am very proud of myself. Dance with me a little will ya? *shakes rump*

Months and months ago my therapist who also happens to be my biggest fan where my writing is concerned forwarded me an email from a Blog Publishing company in Europe.  They were looking for contacts, Blog Writers, in her field/speciality, eating disorders.  I put it aside having no courage to even attempt such a thing as contact a publisher.

Sunday night as I went through my emails, catching up on to do's and correspondences I came across this message again.  I was in a good mood, a confident mood so I drafted up an email explaining who I was and where I came from, what I was doing, where I was at.  I posted my blog address in the text of the email and sent it off.  24 hours and a time difference later a woman in charge of Blog Publishing Reviews sent me a message asking me to format my blog entries into a manuscript for another review by their publishing company.  That "they had thoroughly reviewed my blog, enjoyed it, and so long as the entries weren't defamatory (I do tend to lay out some folks), they thought me publishable".  I forwarded the email to my husband and said, "Am I correct in assuming this is my first POTENTIAL publishing offer?"  To which he replied, "Sure seems like it".

I posted a similar announcement on Facebook as I was excited.  I did state I needed more information and was unsure but someone liked my words.  Yay me!  Even if they wanted to steal my life and publish it as someone else's, they wanted MY words.  A whole lot of people said "Congratulations", "That's amazing", "You're amazing" and that one friend said, "Look them up and make sure they are legit". 

So here I've sat since yesterday thinking, "Why was it necessary for you to shoot down my dreams when I had already noted I wasn't sure yet?"  Why was pointing out it might not be legit your first GO TO place where I, where my writing, is concerned?  I know this girl has always had writing aspirations of her own, so I wondered for a while if it was jealousy?  But then, I also know this girl does care about me and tends to go to a protective place with me because I am Bi Polar so maybe...?  Maybe she just went protective because she's heard of such illegitimate publishers before?  But why wasn't her first reaction to congratulate me? 

Here's what I realized this morning.  Her reaction says NOTHING about me.  It's HER reaction.  Even though everyone else posted positively their reactions as well, have nothing to do with me.  They are reacting to the news I posted however THEY choose to react.  I mean sure there's some value to me in there or else they wouldn't reply at all of course but how they reply or whether they choose to or not, has NOTHING to do with who I am as a person, who I shall be as a person, what I shall accomplish, my accomplishments.

I have spent hours trying to figure out WHY she said what she said, why she assumed it was an illegitimate offer when I should have spent those hours thinking legitimate or not, they WANT my words!  Even if they were going to rip me clean off, they wanted to do it with my words!  I can't even say that's true or not as I am still waiting for answers about the ownership of the words.  They are mine, end of story.  Little pun there for ya, play on words, my words, end of the story.  Get it?  Stories have words.  Okay, so, moving on.

Please, if you find yourself posting good news about something and someone doesn't react how you would prefer, don't take that and apply it to your own accomplishments thus drowning your light in negativity.  YOU ARE doing that, not them.  They just said what came to mind.  You should wonder less about why they said it and more about them as a person.  What possesses someone to shit on some one's good day?  There's a million reasons and none of them have to do with anything other than you are having a good day and they are not.  That's it.  And maybe they aren't having a good day because of something really horrible going on in their world and you should feel badly for them not angry.  Or like I said earlier, maybe they are just really worried about you for some reason.  We can always assume there's GOOD reasons for reactions too ya know. 

Remember anger is a REaction to something.  Only you hold the key to that.  Only you can control your REactions to anything.  And if what others think of you is none of your business but instead THEIR personal business then you should have that much more to ignore shouldn't you?

Stop once in a while when you are about to REact to something and decipher if you are reacting because of how it made you feel.  And if you, and only you, can control how you feel.....what's all this reacting about????

There's a lot of words up there so I am going to tell you a quick story to make it easier. 

I am walking down the street and an obvious mentally ill person is walking towards me.  I can see they are homeless and "off", muttering strange things to themselves and as they walk past me they look me straight in the eye and yell "YOU'RE UGLY" and keep going. 

My REACTIONS are:

I am suddenly ugly.
I am ugly but I feel for the poor mentally ill person.
I am not ugly damn it and I will yell at the mentally ill person.
I am going to make fun of myself about this all day, because secretly, deep down I feel ugly.
Nothing changes.

You pick.



Fuck I am so suddenly ugly. 

*insert more work to do here*

DBPW Day 99 - Yay, Girl Guide cookies...oh wait...

Last week while running errands I ran into Loblaws and immediately noticed two adult females with a bunch of girls.  I thought they were only girls at first.  There were fellas too but my brain went "GIRL GUIDE COOKIES!" and the males disappeared right before my eyes.  They weren't even in uniform for god sakes.  Speaks just a little to my brain power.  I morphed a classroom into the potential for cookies in a nano second!  LOL

 

One of the girls approached me and said "We are giving out stickers, for free, just to remind people to be kind".  Well of course I will take one young lady, of course.  She ran off to the teacher yelling "we're done firrrrst, we got done first!"  Ahhh such sweet lessons learned right before my eyes.  As I went through the grocery store getting all things needed I forgot I had the sticker on. 

 

It wasn't until I got home that I pulled it off my jacket and really looked at the affixed sticker.  It said, "One kind action can change someone's entire day #passiton".  It was a great idea, one which I admired the teachers for. 

 

I think kids today have been brought up in the harsh reality of TV, video games, news and we forget they are little humans being formed by what they see and learn from all their teachers including those at school.  The teachers at home are you people, you parents out there.  Unless they are bullied, we forget sometimes to teach them that bullying is bad.  Unless they are made fun of, we forget to teach them not to poke fun.  The world isn't a great place unless we teach our kids so.  The world CAN be beautiful if we teach them of its beauty of all kids including generosity of spirit.

 

With the examples like Justin Bieber and the like, our kids don't stand a chance unless we teachers teach them right from wrong.  I was really pleased to see this lesson being taught.  I want to actually reach out to the school and tell them what a great idea I thought this was to teach kids to do something nice for someone else, for no other reason than to be nice to someone.  That's a very selfless act and our kids need to learn there's just as much take in giving so freely. 

 

Our kids have been ingrained with, give and take should be equal.  You give $5 you better get $5 of value back.  We've taught them this so they learn value.  Haven't you ever said to your kid, "you are not buying that, it's not worth that, we could make that at home, I am not spending that on that?" Any of them?  We are teaching them value.  And we should.  But we don't often teach them how giving $5 to a charity gives you nothing in return but a feeling of joy of having done something nice AND knowing you did something selfless on that day for no other reason than you can. 

 

I taught my kids since they were little that we regularly go through their things and give the unused to worthy causes.  Unused toys and clothes, once a year, and we give them away to people who don't have as much as us.  Sometimes it goes as a hand me downs to a friend of the family.  Sometimes it goes to a local charity.  I feel like, at the very least, they are learning how to place value on things.  Value to them, value to others, and how to give for no other reason than because someone might need it more so than they do.  How to give and why we do so.

 

When it comes to teachers teaching paying it forward by doing nice things, I vote yes. 



 

 

 

 

 

Have you taught this to your kids yet? 

 

 

 



DBPW - Day 98 I am not perfect but I try. Happy Mother's Day Moms!

If you read my post yesterday you will see what my wonderful step son asked me upon getting up in the morning yesterday.  With his teeth still smelling of toothpaste and sleepy in his eyes he asked, "Mind if I whip myself up a drink?".  He's 16!  I said, "What the hell are you talking about, you just got up, you are 16 and it's not even noon yet, who the fuck do you think I am?"  He made himself a sandwich quietly and chose chocolate milk (reasonably so) instead.  In my humble opinion, if you still want chocolate milk (ick) ever, then you are too young to be drinking enough that you want to whip up a mixer first thing in the am!  I still don't know what the hell was happening in that moment.  I really think he forgot that I am cool but NOT THAT cool. 

I won't lie on here to any of you.  I have allowed him to have a beer or two while working with his Dad, a glass of wine at dinner and quietly offered to get him condoms if he needs them.  Perhaps he smoked a joint once up here, late one night, with family friends, well after his father and I went to bed.  Certainly not in our faces but we were told after the fact.  And this was long AFTER he'd been caught with his own "product" at home.  We didn't freak on him, we let him get away with this social interaction but I made mention I knew and not to make a practise of it.  I advised him that I didn't think the house was an appropriate party central for him thus not condoning the behaviour altogether.  I don't do any of it for the record.  I don't drink, rarely if at all.  I don't smoke pot, or even smoke cigarettes anymore, but I am no prude.  I did not allow him to do all those things I mention in one weekend or even a six month period.  Sometimes we talk late at night about his life and he is honest with me about the things he does and is trying, so there's a degree to which I will allow things to happen because I am not blind nor do I wish to be where the kids are concerned.  I would rather know than not. 

Perhaps you think I am wrong in my allowances but I am not stupid and I want to know what he is doing and soon her.  She just had a sleep over on the Friday and I asked if they got into the "booze".  She twisted and contorted her face all up in indignation saying, "noooo, yuck".  I knew that face said it all, she hasn't tried drinking to any extent yet.  I just left it with, "I just want to know when it happens kid, that's all, not gonna get mad, I just want to know".  Okay she agreed while still looking at me weirdly.  I would rather it happen and I know about it, so I can protect them.  I feel like as a Step Mother I have a better ability to get the truth and keep them safe.  I don't think they will tell their parents this stuff.  That said, yesterday with dude was a bit much, even for me.  "This is not Daytona Beach son, this is not spring break, and I am not THAT cool", I thought to myself all day.  I think the lesson was ingrained quickly due to my rapid speech response.  It came out of my mouth before I had a chance to think.  I also promptly emailed his father and told him which is not my normal practise, we usually do that sort of communication privately not to break the kids trust.  Instead, I told the little man I was telling his Dad that he "apparently lost his mind temporarily".  Because I am weaning off some medications that handle not only back pain but moods as well, maybe I am a little short tempered too so my response included swear words which usually doesn't happen.  Especially when I am having a "serious talk" with either child. 

Last night we went out to dinner because my back pain was so great, my husband didn't want me cooking.  Before we were seated they informed us a musician was playing so we chose the quieter of the two rooms off to the side.  Once seated the drinks were ordered.  We offered the step son some wine, he wisely declined.  Did you know a restaurant cannot serve it but a parent can? I didn't but that's what the husband said to my, "Perhaps this weekend the kid can have a dry weekend, seems he needs it".

As soon as we got settled in at the restaurant another family arrived, two parents, two kids.  I knew immediately these two toddlers were going to sit behind me.  It's how my luck goes especially when I am already temperamental.  And they did.  They were beautiful boys but the way they ran in climbing over everything in their way, I knew dinner was no longer going to be a quiet affair with some back ground music.  It was now going to be two noises competing with each other, the musician and the two kids competing with him for attention.  UGH, lord help me.  The minute the parents were able to wrangle their children to the table one started smacking cutlery on the table and the other drove a plate around like a car, with sound effects.  It didn't take long for me to say comfortably out loud, "Well now, this is going to make for a lovely and relaxing dinner".  No No, I didn't say it loud enough for the parents to hear, just muttered it to myself.  I hope?  I think?

Being mother's day I am going to apologize for what comes next but I am sorry if you cannot take your kids out because they cannot sit still, please don't.  The baby noises are one thing, that's uncontrollable and cute, it just is.  Even the "I found my voice" screeches.  They are cute.  We all know why they are doing it, it's like finding a clarinet, chances are you are gonna blow that fucker.  (After the appropriate mouth piece cleaning of course)  But amateur instrument playing at the table in a somewhat fancy restaurant and climbing over tables and chairs?  Not cool.  I had to take my purse off the back of my chair as the one child put his foot in my purse (sunglasses in there yo', not cool) to get over his mother's chair.  I knew if I didn't move it a meatball would likely be found in there later.  These were kids that simply shouldn't have been in a restaurant.  It wasn't fair to the kids themselves.  Why should they be forced to sit still in a chair like they are in a car seat?  Let them eat at home in peace without disturbing the hell out of other people.  Please do not kill me.  I was in a bad mood.  I do feel badly for feeling this way they were just out of control. 

By the time we left the restaurant all of us were cranky.  And I mean all.  And really, all my fault for pointing out the kids in the first place.  I bet my family would have ignored them if it weren't for me bringing light to the negativity right to our table.  MY BAD.  When we finally left my two step kids, having not been able to think over the music and the kids behind us, were argumentative with each other.  My poor husband with some legitimate hearing issues spent the entire meal saying "pardon" continuously so he was frustrated.   I had basically just shut down.  If it weren't for the best, and I mean best, eggplant parmesan lasagna, I have ever had, I might have insisted we leave earlier.   When we came home all of us wanted some comforting sweets to end the meal, in the comfort of our house, while watching a movie.  The night ended pretty perfectly. 

As I sat around last night reading a book watching the bickering between the two kids and my husband playfully egging them on I realized how stupid my temper was earlier.  So I apologized.  I told everyone my back was really sore as I was weaning off some medicines.  That it made me cranky and I was sorry that the kids at the next table had made me so anxious.  It was then that my little dude, my little drinker, piped up and said, "Now I know why adults drink for no apparent reason, it's us kids".  If we can keep him sober he might just be a genius.

I woke this morning with a smile.  My step son's words had ended a bad day on a deliciously genius note and I was still smiling about it.  I could hear my step daughter talking her Dads ear off, "Did you see the new nail polish I got?"  That's code for, "When is step Mom getting up?" I think.  My husband was responding appropriately as he always does.  The dog was pawing at the bedroom door to get into me, his Mom.  It was a perfect Mother's Day wake up.  And while I might not be the Mom here, but the Step Mom, I really do love these kid weekends.  I wouldn't give them up for anything.  Even today, during the Wii battles, the trampoline wars, and argumentative turtle hunting all I could think was how lucky I am that these little people are part of my world.  When I hear, "Nicolle can I....?" it makes me heart swell a bit.  And I hear it 4017 times a day.  So long as that sentence doesn't end with, "have a mixed drink at 11am" I am good.  Once I got up, dressed and ready for my coffee run, I found each kid, took their Tim Horton's order and kindly reminded them to call their Mom as it was her day, Mother's Day. 

It's how I roll, I am cool that way.  Today is her day and I am really happy that she allows me to spend time with her little people.  I just hope I am doing a good job. 

DBPW - Day 97 Reptilian Rescue, drinks anyone?

I woke up this morning with all the doors and windows of my home open to this new fresh warmer air.  Thank you Mother Nature for taking your Midol like a good little girl.  The breeze was beautiful, perfection in fact.  I had to drift back in and out of sleep for a while as in my dreams I was on our old RV (it was a Rock Star bus, see below) with all the windows open.  I was on it with all my girlfriends, past and present, and we were headed to a weekend away.  I needed to see how that trip ended.  Where we went?  

I can't answer that because 111 pounds of dog hair licked my nose as a way of saying, "Good morning, I would like breakfast now if this time meets with your satisfaction.  You know, now that you are awake?"

 

Yeah it's big.  Big Bertha. Gone to the Rock Star bus heavens....okay I am just being silly, she lives in Quebec with a lovely new family of 2 only.

 

 

We sold it.  It was GREAT while it lasted but the kids stopped enjoying it as much as renting cottages in places we travel too.  Okay I lie.  I couldn't fucking stand having more than one person in that hallway at a time.  Yes, yes, I am a Rock Star snob.  Fine, so be it. 

Out of bed I got and got the fur ball his breakfast.  As I stood over him and waited for him to finish so I could wipe his royal highness's beard, I laughed at the fact I was standing over him waiting to serve him further. 

 

His Royal Highness, Riley Roo.  That beard gets a lot of food in it and water, he carries a lake to your lap in it.  There's a towel at every bowl.

 

 

I was the only one up and about because the husband had headed out on a road trip much earlier in the am and the step son, he's 16.....he wakes at noon the earliest.  He had two beers the night before, he was passed out I assume.  Kidding, KIDDING!  Not about the two beers hanging around with his parents but the passing out.  I am confident that at 16 he probably already holds his booze better than I do and I am okay with him having a SAFE amount with us.  He's been having half glasses of wine at dinner with us since he was 10.  (Do we sound like alcoholic bad parents?  Seriously I hope not).

After finishing with the royalty I left him to do his business and hopped in the car to head to town for groceries and my coffee.  I always go into town to the drive through for a Tim Horton's coffee.  Some don't call it coffee, it's been my addiction since I took on drinking the stuff.  I almost always, unless on an island, find a Tim Horton's drive through for breakfast.  I only have one coffee a day, I want my TH!

We live on 5 acres and have a doggy door so the royalty can come and go as he pleases.  He always just waits at the back door for me anyways and with one of the kids in the house, he stays inside protecting.  In case you were wondering why I fed my dog and just left.   We are off the beaten path/main road and the dog is; a) lazy and b) very home instinctive.  He literally waits at the back door for us.  The mail lady actually puts him back in the house when she comes and I am not here.  He just wants a person or the house, preferably both.

As I left here this morning I saw a wee turtle crossing the country road.  I quickly and excitedly stopped my car mid road (I hate people and want to stop them from running the things over so yes, I block turtles with my entire vehicle) and got out to assist.  First, one must inspect said turtle for the knowing signs of a snapper.  Snapping turtles look like a turtle straight out of the pre-historic age, all spiny and snappy.  They will snap at your approach.  Their claws are harsh.  I learned what one was years ago hopping out of a moving vehicle to "save the turtle" and it was a snapper.  When I picked it up it's head shot out and around and it almost got my hand as I heard my husband yell, "....a snapper".  I walked briskly back to the car, hopped in the passenger seat, turned to my hubster and said, "You do it".  He smartly used a hockey stick.  This little fella this morning was just a painted turtle, just a regular turtle, indigenous to the area with little red marks on them.  They have an official name but we are on informal terms now.  I picked him up and moved him off the road in the direction he was headed.  They ask that you do that, the tree huggers do.  They ask because humans are stupid and if a turtle is headed West and you turn him East, guess what?  He's gonna turn around and head West across the same road you just moved him from.

After my rescue mission I headed the rest of the way into town to get my coffee and a few groceries for the kids.  At Tim Horton's I ordered a sandwich biscuit for my kid, barf.  I can't stand them but he seems to like them and at least it gets him eating something for breakfast which he tends not to want.  I ordered my coffee and headed to the window.  At the window because I am so used to just getting my coffee, I paid and left with my coffee, only.  Someone behind me in line I hope got a nice free breakfast barf biscuit.  It's my good deed for the day.  That and telling my child I left his sandwich at the store.  I made him a great one with fresh ingredients and first bite he looked at me like "it's no fast food but it will do".  Bugger. 

I think the kid forgot where he was or who I was when he said with his sandwich, "Can I make a drink?".  What kind of drink I thought and asked.  "A mixed drink with like coke".  "Like with alcohol?" I asked at 11:45am?  "Yeah".  Okay kid.  We need to have a wee talk.  I am not Mother Theresa.  I don't see the good in all things and people.  Right now I am considering putting a 16 year old over my knee and swatting some sense into him.  "Did you just ask me that?" I said incredulously.  "It's not even noon yet?"  "Oh", he says, "my watch must be off".  WTF?  I let it go.  I think my expression and shock woke him up.  He literally had just gotten out of bed.  Toothpaste was still on his breath with his sandwich I had just made him.  If he wanted a Jack and Coke he should have gone to a bar for breakfast.  I don't know what's going on outside of this house but I look forward to hearing what his Father finds out.  The first thing I did was email his Dad and say, "I am out, I am not THIS cool, not at all".   This kid has a lot of grown up toys around here.  Sea doos, 4 wheelers etc.  I am of the mind they all get sold if this is the behaviour he is used too.  I don't want him alone with anything that moves.  He wants to go 4 wheeling with his Dad later.  Wonder if he will want to take some brewskies along?

Anyone else have a 16 year old that's lost his marbles???  Mine has?  HELP!

DBPW Day 96 - Gabourey Sidibe basically rocks!

I've been borderline anorexic twice in my life and big, like over 200 pounds, twice in my life.  There's been middle ground but it's been very tightly controlled and typically ends in my being "too thin".  Too define, "too thin" meaning starving.  When I have been thin I have been high on a false sense of self.  I have no more confidence than I did heavier but I am no longer embarrassed about being overweight, a chunky monkey, "fat" in some people's eyes.   I am not being distracted by what I deem to be a problem. 

What Miss Sidibe says in this quote is amazing, totally amazing.  She nails it.

She dares to show up, as is.  I am daring sometimes.  At least it starts out that way.  LOL.  Recently in Florida I dared to put on a swimsuit and hit the pool.  By the arrival of our 6th apple bikini bottom girl my confidence was weaning, I tucked my tail and ran.  I dared, then I almost drown in my own shame and fear of what others might be thinking.  "Look at me go" it started as, then it became "Okay I really need to go".  That's not okay me, not okay.

Both of my parents have always made a point of talking food, diet and weight with me.  Especially my Father.  My Mother, with age, seems to have settled into a place of "who cares" but my father, nope.  In my lifetime, I have not had my Father not ask, or talk about, my or his weight.  Sometimes he references "us" in his process of self evaluation by weight.  It's just how it's always been.  When I have gotten thin I have taken great pride in fat shaming him.  I can admit that.  I don't like it, I won't continue it but I just realized typing that, I have shamed him.  Scolded him like a child.  Almost like payback for the years of shaming he's done me when I've been bigger.  Sadly I seem to only reach for the stars or have the courage to, when I am thinner with that false sense of self.

Unlike Miss Sidibe, I cannot say "See what I did there, that was awesome?"  Hmmm that said, I wouldn't be writing to you folks if I was thin.  I would be out chasing men, pretending I was fine, drinking, partying.  I certainly wouldn't be what anyone would call "settled down" and have time to write.  "Wow, hey see what I am doing here, pretty awesome right?".   You go me, you go. 

I have always been the funny girl.  And just like my friend up there Gabby, it's best when I am heavier.  I make up for my "flaws" with humour.  When I am thin, I am still funny but it's a harsh humour, it's ego based.  Like I need to reiterate I am fantastic.  When I am heavier I am just plain funny.  Not just about myself or my weight as many can do but just in general.  It's part of being Bi Polar as well.  When you are Bi Polar and you get in a social situations you tend to get manic (high) so you perform.  You put on the best performances of your life and typically that involves a comedy show for all.  So yes, without this weight I wouldn't know how funny I could be. 

Searched for my beauty?  I am still searching and I love this line.  For someone so young to have gone searching for her beauty already in life.  That's a fundamental accomplishment for a woman.  Spectacular.

Unbreakable.  Unbreakable?  Do we every truly know if we are unbreakable until the end of life?  In our last breaths being able to say, "They didn't break me, I made it".  I guess that's truly being unbreakable.  She sure has proven herself unmoveable in her love of herself, her sense of confident self though hasn't she?  I hope this is really her true self behind closed doors.  I know when I have been heavier I have given a representation of confidence but it's not authentic.  I am insecure about every part of who I am just because I define myself in the mirror.  Trust me I am working on it.  I plan on spending a month at least in a treatment center where I will spend 24/7 on loving myself as is, as I am, right now.  Pure, indulgent, self confident love. 

Watch Gabby online doing interviews or guest hosting Chelsea Handler's show "Chelsea Lately".  She is a powerhouse, she truly is. 

 Can you say the things she says about herself?  We all should be able too. 

DBPW Day 95 Who does depression hurt? Everyone silly, everyone.

There are ads all over TV right now for Cymbalta and Lyrica.  Both of them, "Who does depression hurt?"  Why everyone, of course.  And it's not just mental, its physical too.  Many people with depression suffer from chronic pain of some kind.   Sometimes the chronic pain causes depression, sometimes the depression causes you to feel pain more than the norm.  Either way, they typically accompany each other.  Just as if you say, "I can't get out of bed in the mornings", you are likely depressed in some fashion.  If it turns out you suffer from a disease it's typically something under the scenes like fibromyalgia or lupus where you can look fine on the outside but inside you are in agony.  All your wires are firing full throttle making a smile painful.

When I was 17 years old I had a motorcycle accident with a good friend.  It was horrific and along with many broken bones, cuts and bruises I had injured my back.  The pain made that very obvious. That and being flat out for 2 months after indicated it wasn't something minor.

The day I almost killed my best friend

Years later as Maid of Honor ("MOH") at another besties wedding I herniated another spinal disc.   Yes, you heard me, I was the MOH and was found by a Bridesmaid on the floor, white as a ghost asking for god to come and transport me to a hospital! LOL  I had tried to lift a huge bucket full of ice water when it all shifted as I was bent straight over.  Snap.  Down I went.  We loaded me up with Advil, Tylenol and alcohol.  I danced the night away beside the Bride as was my duty.  I had booked an ambulance for an immediate stomach pumping after the wedding but I was surprisingly sober until I had to sleep on the floor of a hotel room.  It was that year I started years and years of physiotherapy, pain meds, massages, and care for what is a very bad back.

If you read my little blog at all you will know that I have had some pretty major psychiatric breaks in the past few months.  They've lead to my being on the wait list for a treatment center.  These breaks all began the same.  They began with a pitter patter in my chest.  A feeling of unrest.  Anxiety.  Just butterflies in my chest that seemed to become more and more overwhelming as I focused on them.  They seemed to end with my being in the fetal position asking why life was overwhelming me when life's expectations weren't high for me.  If I couldn't meet life's expectations of getting out of bed for the day, why was I here?  It was bad.  I pretty much surmised that being dead was better than living with these feelings.  Such anxiety for no good reason, not one that I could find. 

This began my serious push with my husband at my side in appointments, for my psychiatrist to listen to me when I spoke of medication outside the realm of what HE prescribed.  "What about this drug prescribed by my last psychiatrist" I would ask.  Well that one is for stabilization, once you are stable.  Pretty sure this suicidal shit isn't stable sir.  And, "What about this drug?".  Well that one is for depression and can counter act with Bi Polar people but, BUT????  But it's also for pain management and you have fibromyalgia.  "No I do not, I have chronic back pain".  Apparently it can help with that too.  Let's look at the biggest picture right now.  I am suicidal, at the least I have those thoughts.  Whatever is not going to immediately help with that I should NOT be taking.  Finally someone listened and we started the plan of getting me off some of my medications.

I am almost off Cymbalta.  Did you know it could counter act Bi Polar medications?  Me neither.

I am down from 90 mgs to 30 mgs.  My back really hurts.  But my brain feels quicker, more responsive, little more flare.  What if the Cymbalta was countering the Bi Polar medication as the doctor suggested?  All this time, one working against the other?  I'd rather be in physical pain, I would.  I can take pain medications, cold packs, be careful, keep strengthening it.  I did work out at the gym HARD yesterday.  And today I lay on the floor with the dog and groomed him for 4 hours.  My back should hurt.   Your back would hurt. 

So what's more important, physical or mental pain?  I say physical.  The mind can always take control over the pain sensors and set them straight.  I have meditated this back problem away before.  It was the strangest feeling.  Meditating with no pain, not noticing it until I came out of the mediation and the pain washed over me so suddenly I almost passed out.  Talk about mind control.  It's amazing what our brains can do to our bodies, it truly is.  It's why if you are down the physical pain in your body will be more distinctive.  If you are stressed, maybe you will get a stomach ache, an ulcer, or a migraine.  There are scientifically proven links. 

I think for now I will stay off Cymbalta and see how this pans out.  I would rather go into the treatment center (I am on the wait list) needing to learn pain management and mindfulness pain management then with thoughts and feelings of value-less-ness pits of despair.

Yup, I chose back pain.  Would you?