DBPW - Day 64 Someone's gotta take care of you, might as well be you.....

Just so you all know, Mother Nature and I are still actively in therapy for her issues.  We should have them worked on in no time.
 

Now about me.

LOL

 
I had my quarterly shrink appointment today to which I took my husband.  I figured considering he's at the firing end of all my shit he should always meet my doctors, the people that are trying to take care of me.  To help me.  It was in there that he got the cold hard facts, some of which I haven't even told you.  I haven't talked about all I suffer from.  

 

But in honor of full, true, and plain disclosure, I suffer from:

Bi Polar Depressive Disorder (Bi Polar II – less manias (highs) than lows).

Borderline Personality Disorder (hot to cold in a nano second, very aggressive by nature)

 

 

 

 

These cause in me:

Compulsive Eating Disorder

Compulsive Self Harm

Compulsive Shopping

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

All are genetic.  Thank you Mommy and Daddy, your fabu!  Mean it, tons. 

 
I took my husband with me to the shrink.  He hadn’t met him and I had a complete meltdown today, so I thought it a good idea.  I got my typical antsy kind of anxious feeling this afternoon and lost it.  I couldn’t take yet another day of feeling like I couldn’t sit still.  If I am feeling good and bored then I would GO DO SOMETHING but I feel anxious.  So my husband losing his shit over my breakdown wanted to come and say to the doctor “this is twice in as many months she’s talked of killing herself, hurting herself, maybe these meds are wrong and she should go off them all and onto some other regimine”.  The doctor fixed, he thinks, the issue and ordered me VERY strictly off anything with sugar, any carb whatsoever.  He couldn’t stress strong enough that white sugar carbs to someone with bi polar and CED is like giving a heroin addict an oxycodone pill, not good.  Triggers a quick high, then a crash immediately following.  And he said all this in front of my carb laden husband!!!!  Who was quick to say he would go off them too.  Uh huh.  Let’s see how long this lasts.  But that said, he was pretty serious. 

Back to my breakdown.  Cause it’s all about me.  Seriously I hope these posts help people cause I am laying it alllll out there and if it’s not, I don’t need to write about my illness for me, I don’t, I could be journalling this.  I want my posts to make other people suffering feel less alone. 
 
It was bad.  All of the sudden I felt this anxiety, inability to sit still (caused by a med I need to change I hope).  I went to lie down, as with this cold I didn’t sleep all night trying NOT to cough and keep Dan awake.  Also, our dog, when you cough loses his marbles and comes running to you, wants to snuggle, be beside you, shakes even.  It’s the weirdest thing he’s started doing lately.  So in trying to keep both my men asleep I was keeping my coughs in my chest almost exploding in my pillow.  I took Halls all night and surprisingly didn’t choke to death on one.   When this anxiety hit and I was so tired and coughing up a fit that I just burst into a fit of tears.  I felt like a complete and utter failure.  7 years or so ago I was a rockstar in the Investment world and now I am a frumpy, chunky, miserable, wife.  Who yelled at her husband over a toaster setting recommendation on his part this morning.  LOL

Now that I say it I realize how silly it all was.  I supposed valium helps a little, along with a therapy appointment where everyone says, “you are sick, take it easy on yourself”.

 
So I say to you now, if you are sick, stay home, and take it easy on yourself okay?  It helps.  Oh and lay off the sugar, it’s bad. 

  
Make good choices. 

DBPW - Day 63 Mommies and Daddies....

 I don’t know if you are aware but yesterday I had a talk with Mrs. Nature, as in Mother.  I told her I understood her heart break and pain, that her weather was indicative of.  Most certainly it was payback for some man’s jack assory behaviour and that we women would unite and surround her with love if she stopped punishing all mankind for one man!  And today I sit typing to you outside in the sunshine!  That’s right, your welcome world.

 Today on FB a lovely lady was trying to figure out her mother and sister.  Apparently they are co-dependant messes.  They both make her feel badly about herself, they are hoarders, and abusive of her, her husband, her child and use drugs and alcohol for their own demons.  I thought this might be a good topic for today.

Mommies and Daddies, and all their good stuff.

My Mom and Dad got separated when I was about 12.  They shipped me off to my grandparents and when I got home, both my father and brother were gone, they’d moved out.  My mother had lost at least 25 pounds in the month I’d been gone and she was a mess.  They’d left “us” she said and that was that.   That was how I was told my Dad and brother were gone.    “They left us” = me, = “holy shit I am not even good enough to keep a Dad and brother”.

My grandmother and grandfather rallied around my mother leaving me to make sense of all the bad things I overheard for the next few days about my Dad and brother alone.  After they left my Mother fell apart even more.  There was no being fed, no talking.  I just rebelled and laid in my room for days without eating (welcome step one into the world of food restrictions).  My Dad, well he left me for 2 years.  All my life I thought it was like 2 months and he bought me a ring because it was so long, turns out, it was a 2 year anniversary ring!!!  He stayed away for 2 years!!!  I didn’t even realize that until 25 years later when he blurted out how badly I should have felt for him because of his guilt over having to be gone for two years.  I guess he was so guilty he couldn’t face me for 2 years.  I am focused on the 2 years here not because it means anything to me today but more because I had blocked it entirely.  I still don’t remember my Dad being gone that long.  And left me with a Mom who was trying to figure out her own life and explain where he was.  It wasn’t ideal for sure.  I mean I was pretty angry too they’ve both shared with me.  Ahhhh uhhhhm duh.  I am sure I was.  I know my Mom hit me, I also remember hitting her.  My father lived with a twit, a 20 year old who when confronted with me moving in said “her or me” and my Dad actually paused.  My brother is the one that stood up and said, “your daughter is going to kill herself if she stays with her mother, she is coming to live with us.”  My Dad over the years has tried to take credit for that big move and my brother always gets hurt because it was his great move after leaving me somewhere he didn’t want too, he just wanted out of my Mom’s house.  

And that’s my point.  He just wanted out of my Mom’s house had nothing to do with me.  I made the entire separation out to mean I didn’t matter.  I wasn’t good enough.  My Daddy and brother would have stayed had I been better.    My parent’s lack of parenting skills meant I wasn’t lovable.  It was all about me.  It wasn’t until years later in a course where I was confronted with the idea that my parents were people with their own shit to deal with that I realized I simply didn’t factor in.  Should I have?  Of course but that was their issues NOT MINE.  Their separation, my Dad’s leaving, my Mom’s handling of it, my brother going?  None of it had anything to do with who I was or was supposed to be.  It was all their stuff.  My Mom hit me likely because as a child she was taught to hit and I was an angry kid.  I didn’t deserve it, didn’t ask for it, but it happened.  That simple, it happened.  It didn’t make me bad, or less than, or unloved.  It meant my Mom’s fall too place was hitting.  It wasn’t about me. 

 

 

Once you take your parents drug issues, alcohol issues, need to yell, to hit, to throw stuff and you pile it all back on your parents as THEIR SHIT suddenly it’s not about you and you can redefine who you are based on who you are right NOW and now who you are with that giant weight of history on your back.   Don’t carry their shit.  Don’t become them.  Don’t let yourself be defined by who?  SOMEONE ELSE.  The most important person in a child’s life is their parents until their parents are forced by life to say, “okay you are NO LONGER the center of the universe, Mommy has a job and this and that, Daddy has work too and this and that…..” but that is supposed to happen gradually.  Not with a rug of life yanked out from under you like divorce and separation can do.  You are supposed to learn you aren’t “all that” slowly over time.  If you don’t, suddenly you go from “all that” to nothing in a heartbeat and it takes the winds out of your sails and ego out of your soul.  You are nothing.  But that’s only what you think.  You are so much more.  You are your own kids, or a piece of your career, and your friends, and your beauty inside and out, intelligence, humour and all that beauty is comprised of.  The only way you ARE your parents is by choosing to be them or be defined by them. 

Your Mother and Father are who they are, as long as you let them, they define you.  But they don’t have too.  There’s a whole world out there to explore, study and learn to figure out who you want to be.  I get along with both my parents now that I have stopped letting them evaluate and value me.  I just have parents now.  No more looking for love in all the wrong places, no more looking for acceptance, no more no more no more.  They are who they are and I cannot change that about them and they can’t change who I am.  I most certainly no longer allow their actions to mean anything about me. 

 

 

Sooooooooooooo, are you defined by your parents or were you just raised by them?  Think about it. 

 

 

 

 

 

DBPW - Day 62 Mother Nature *sneeze* *cough*

This winter has got to give up, enough is enough.  When I got up this morning to head into town I couldn’t believe the weather.  Now mind you I am Bi Polar so I kind of get where Mother Nature gets it from, I am convinced she’s got the BP too!  Has to.  No one is this squirrely and doesn’t.    I posted today on Facebook a plea to her that as a woman I understand how perhaps she was scorned by a male species type and perhaps that’s why she’s all ugly and up in our business with this never ending snow shit here in Canada.  I have her back, I’d stand tall beside her if it was a man problem, I would but come on now, “mankind” is MAN kind.  Men.  Can’t punish the men without the women, we live her too.  Even the birds are screwed up.  They all migrated and now they are all out there shaking snow off themselves, poor little ones. 

 

I have the flu. 

 

*cough* *cough*

 

That’s all I am saying about that because otherwise you are perpetuating what you have.  Why complain?  Doesn’t do any good really.  I guess you feel sorrier for yourself each time but how does that help any?

 

I agreed the other day to help my husband with some keypunch type of typing.  He has a master contact list which consists of a file with photocopied business cards.  Top of the line, high tech shit huh?  So he wants me to transfer it all to an excel spreadsheet.  Again, high tech shit.  But I agreed, okay I offered, and now I regret.  Each contact is a line across the sheet which is easy enough but on a laptop the numbers are across the top and not a keypad on the side of the computer like a desktop.  Oh how easier life would be.  Alas, I have discovered that I hate typing too but I got 100 contacts in, in two hours or less so that’s okay.  At that pace I should be done in a couple of days.  Or in a boredom induced coma, either or.   

 

I was talking to a girlfriend the other day who told me how much she loved this blog.  That it’s easy to read but she likes it too.  Who knew? 

 

I was standing in the mirror today in ma’ undies and looking at my body.  I looked at my stomach, held it in, released it, saw some abs, was pleased.  I lifted my arms, flexed them and noted the sag that remained, I didn’t judge it, just said to myself, “more arm work necessary”.  I looked at my thighs and thought, “not too shabby, loads of muscle there”.  Etc etc.  It’s making a huge difference.  I used to avoid the mirrors entirely and now I have made them my friend.  I am determined to see better than….too see a better me than my brain used to allow.  I am beautiful, and I am going to find that beauty.  Now onto camera pictures.  I am pretty sure they don’t add 82 pounds.  I need to be able to look at real pictures, freeze frame shots of myself and look like I do in the mirror, positively.  I will get there, I will. 

 

 

How about you?  Pictures or mirrors, are either the enemy?

DBPW - Day 61 Allergies, sick, either or bleck

Good afternoon ya'll.  Suddenly I am southern. 

Must be the flu.  It's taken me down and changed my Canadian accent to southern USA.  That or allergies.  I've heard allergies can screw with a girls accent.

I just found out today that the greyish crust on snow at this time of year is actually mould.  Sometimes it's a pink colour on the snow and grass.  It's not just dirt, it's mould.  And I am allergic to mould.  I always forget how shitty allergies make you feel, you think you are sick.  Now that said I woke up this morning and was so achy and sore in my joints I considered, just for a minute, peeing the bed instead of getting up.  Then I remembered my OCD and imagined cleaning that out of a Tempurpedic and off I went running, okay limping, to the loo.

Where did Too Da Loo, short form "Toodles" come from?  I went "to the loo"????? 

 means :- goodbye

From the French tout a l'heure. Meaning see you later.

bye for now, too-da-loo

I had to check.  It was gonna make me crazy otherwise.

Today's posting is going to be based on uplifting posts people have made to Facebook.  This is solely so I don't have to comment there but can fill a post here.  I am not stupid when I don't feel well, my mad genius comes out.  I get to make a whole post out of other people's Facebook postings.  Come on now.  Easy Peasy back to bed and one too many NeoCitrins.

 

This is so very true.  A guy needs to stand out to us.  Make us feel like the same road we've been down with all the others will be different with this man.  That life will be that much more fun, exciting and yet safe, happy yet able to take the downs.  That life will not be the same with this man.  That's all that happens.  That makes a girl want that particular man.  It's very organic.  I remember two things about meeting my husband, one was him saying, "Is all this superficial attention actually working for you?" (perhaps I was flirting a bit at a hockey tournament, perhaps) and a text from him saying, "I've been in love with you since the first day you spoke to me".  That was it.  The courage for him to say both to a hard ass like me made him the biggest, strongest, most appealing man to me ever.  There was no hesitation on his part to lay it out there.  *sigh*  I could have thought "you wuss" and probably in the past would have.  But by the time Dan came along I had enough of the bad boys, I wanted a man.  And there he was, right there before me. 

 

Please remember the strongest of men say "I love you" and mean it, they don't avoid the words.  They don't avoid showing love.  They are present enough in the relationship to say the words and mean it.  That takes strength.   

 

 

For a long time people told me to let go of my past.  I didn't have the best upbringing.  Everyone kept saying things like "you are 30, get over it".  I wasn't sure how.  It wasn't until I let myself feel every ounce of the pain at the time I didn't allow myself to feel was I able to put it past me.  It wasn't until I understood that everything that happened in my life wasn't "BECAUSE OF ME" but just what happened, was I able to work on putting it past me.  I don't mean to make light of anything but I was raped at 19.  A guy I invited home let a friend into my bed when I had passed out.  For years I made that about me, my being a drunk, my inviting them there, what I wore, etc etc.  I didn't make it about them and that's all that was about.  Two bad guys doing a nasty thing to me.  It had nothing to do with me.  I could have been anyone in that situation and they would have done that.  It meant nothing about me, not before or after.  It was about them.  Once I realized that, behind me it went, filed away in my past under "assholes" not rape.  I was able to completely change the way my mind saw it but not until I felt it alllll over again.  You cannot avoid feeling things in the moment and not expect it to come back to you.  It has to.  It has to be felt, lived, sorted and then it can be put behind you.  So all these sayings of "don't think, toss behind you" are wrong.  You must live in your own story to turn the page.   Once you have turned the page though, try not to look back at all.  It's done now.  Don't let it define the next page.  Just don't.  Understand that things that happen to us 9 times out of 10 have nothing to do with who we actually are, they are just things that happened.

 

 

Because I am so incredibly strong I am able to push aside my Bi Polar symptoms until the circumstances of life allow them to come out.  Sometimes they can catch me off guard.  Last summer I had to bail on a dinner with my family including my in laws and kids, I just couldn't breathe.  It was too much.  I needed to cry and be down for a bit so I laid in bed and let it out until they got home.  By then I had allowed enough out to get a grip.  I was able to be honest and say, "I was down, and tired is all" which is the truth, I was.  But because of this strength, people often overlook me.  Overlook how much I might need love and help.  I've often spoken of a group of girls that surrounded me in my youth who haven't been as of late, not very present let's say.  They took sides in a situation basically because one side showed weakness while one (me) did not.  That's on me.  That wasn't honesty on my part.  I showed them what I wanted everyone to see.  I was not being authentic.  I have learned who to be authentic with and whom I shouldn't bother.  I've also learned that you will lose people you may have otherwise not wanted to lose when inauthentic.

 

 

I am still working on this.  I've said it before, in a mirror, at 250 pounds I see muscle and some chunky monkey on top of it.  And I have basically accepted it and am falling back in love with myself.  However, that said, when someone takes a picture I am unable to register I look the way I look.  I don't know why.  Perhaps I am lying to myself in the mirror but even then, that means I am looking at myself and saying, "you are beautiful" (and that's a lie?) and when a picture is taken I am unable to do that?  I don't think so.  I think that I am trying so hard to love myself again it's different.  A picture someone else sees, it's what others see of me.  In the mirror I see only myself and I don't worry about others as much.  And that, my friends, is how one falls in love with themselves.  Stop worrying about others. 

 
I so believe this.  As I said earlier,

- if I hadn't dated dogs I never would have married my husband.
- if I hadn't accepted my past I never would have made it to this new enlightened space.

You must fight through the bad to find the good, it's just how life works.  Nothing good can come from that.  WRONG.  Only good can come from that. 

This mantra is a good one.  If you love yourself you will eat food of a decent nature but without a ton of restrictions.  Don't burden yourself with anything other than loving your body and what it does for you every single day.   Moving is part of your everyday, when you stop moving your body will let you know with more aches and pains than possible to take it seems.   It's telling you to move, to stretch, to strengthen, to love.  Do not call yourself things like "fat, stupid, ugly, unlovable" because the association of those words will only make you think it so.  In calling yourself beautiful and smart, lovable and kind, you will actually learn to love yourself.  If you can do it for reals trying pretending and one day you may wake up actually believing it.  Try it, can't hurt. 

You cannot get what you don't actually want, that you aren't willing to ask for, work for, prepare for.  If you don't step towards what you want you will not get it. 

It's really simple math.  2 plus 2 more = 4 more.....go for more. 

DBPW - Day 60 Odds and Sods....

Hello all.  What the hell does odds and sods mean anyways?  Odds I get.  Oddities, odd numbers, various.  But sods?  Do most people have multiple sods?  I guess you need a lot of sod for a lawn, multiple rolls and none of them exactly the same.  I looked it up, it comes from Odds and Ends.  Just another way to say the same.  I have to look this shit up or it makes me crazy.  It’s why I try hard NOT to think so I don’t have to go looking this shit up.  I’d rather not question than find the answer.  Okay that was a bold faced lie.  I would always rather have the answer.  I am a learning kind of girl.  Now that I am done lying and jibber jabbering….*sigh* I need to go look that up, be right back.

I wasn’t sure what to write about today.  Can you tell?  (see above).  I have my period.  Seems like a non- starter topic.  *Snore*.  I have cramps, SHOCKING ending there.  I went to the gym, do that every day, nothing unusual happened.  Well that’s another lie actually *head hung in shame again*, I won 2 free months of membership yesterday in a food drive draw.  Pretty sure I won by bringing in 25 pounds of food which is 25 entries.  You shove 25 entries into a box where everyone else has 1, ODDS are (*snort*) you’re gonna win.  And then end of workout I showed a lovely lady how to stretch.  I just offered up myself to show her, all nice and stuff.  See I can be nice.  Apparently I am a little to Gumby like for her.  She didn’t like my touching my nose to my knee.  "Listen lady a girl has to earn her diamonds". 

 

Another woman, older gal who never stops talking in there stopped talking long enough to tell me my tattoos are "for life".  *laugh* I told her kindly I was aware and then she said, “can’t you see me now, having tattoos up my arm, I’d look kind of odd don’t you think, don’t you worry about that?”.  So I said, “well look at ya, you’re all hip and staying young with us at the gym, I think you’d rock out the tats”.  “The what???” she exclaimed.  I think she mistook me for saying “tata’s”.  LOL  I said, “I think you’d rock the tattoos”.  “Gosh no,” she replied.   And then, and then….thank fuck she’s cute as hell she says, “what the hell do they all mean anyways”.  Once I was done explaining she said, “so they all have some pretty deep meaning to you?  Guess that makes sense, you see kids today with their Momma’s name on them, if that were my kid I’d slap it clean off em”.  She was on fire today.  Then with a complete straight face she says, “You know you could just write the thoughts down”.    Okay lady, enough, I get it, you don’t approve.  Are you besties with my husband or what?  I just finished telling him I am adding to my arm again.  He wasn’t pleased.  I don’t care, it’s MY ARM.  I am bi polar, he’s lucky I am not cutting off limbs entirely for my artistic personality.   I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, gamble….Fuck I am practically Sandra Dee.  I shop a little, have some extra ear piercings and some tattoos.  Tattoos, that when I am fully dressed don’t even show.  Besides that, I am going to ZERO functions where I wouldn’t feel like they weren’t accepted, ZERO.  Take me or leave me.

 

To compliment someone you give them some extra self worth.  Extra self worth adds happiness and confidence.  Happiness and confidence is carried like a badge of honor and can in itself make another person's day.  Unhappy, unconfident people are mean as dogs a lot of times because they take their confidence through the harming of others.  So boost someone today and see if you can't get one person to lose their attitude and make someone else's day. 
 

I wanna thank a bunch of people who read my post yesterday and talked me off the ceiling.  Okay I wasn’t up there, I am not a cat.  Also a drama queen friend of mine gets that description.  No thank you.  I had a great group of friends, a circle, sisters we said that hung around each other all the time.  From there as we grew up we went to “girls weekends” then later weddings.  You know, you drift as life gets busier.  One friend, the drama queen (surprising I know) started becoming more and more obvious with her negativity where I was concerned.  She was fine with me one on one but behind my back she would say, “she did this or that” instead of “we had a great weekend”.  It all got to be too much when she said a lie about my husband and I and I lost my marbles.  I went off the deep end.  I went over overboard, like clear out of the ocean overboard.  I admit, and have apologized for it as well.  But our friends, our mutual friends went running to care for her and left me lost.  I was only on half the medication I am on now and if you follow me you know I have very dark and suicidal lows.  They all sat holding her hand as I was lost.  Either way, what it is, is.  I cannot change the past, it is what it was and now it’s over. She was calling out for help and I probably just appeared pissed off to them I guess, that’s all they saw.  Who knows, I haven’t asked.  But now they are reaching out, two years later.  I can’t help but think too little too late.  I don’t understand it, why now?  All it did yesterday was bring me to tears as it was the reaching out I wanted back then and I needed then, not now.   I am mourning the loss of them again I think because I know in my mind, I don’t need them anymore.  Wow, I just realized why I was crying so much, I am letting them go.  That’s what it is. 

That’s some realization there…..this writing thing helps a girl out.  Wow. 

I need a minute here.  Wow.

 

I love the release of the 99 Red Balloons.  You know it's in yer head now too, admit it.

What else?  Now that I have solved the world’s problem (you didn't know the world revolves around me?), what else do I have for you?  I booked a trip for my husband and I.  We were going to go to Arizona to see a friend in May or June, I know, can you say “butt sweat”?  Same friend asked if we wanted to go and stay at their time share condo in Cabos San Lucas.  Now can you say "butt sweat with a touch of ocean breeze?"  Considering its one of my husband and I favorite places we found ourselves begrudgingly saying yes so I booked that all on points today.  Used my excellent spending habits to pay for the entire flight, fees and taxes.  I knew those shoes online would come in handy.  Not only did they help pay for the trip they are gonna look fabulous pool side.  *snap snap*  Husband be damned, "too much shopping".  DENIED!  DENIED! 

I also got the details all finalized for my writing weekend in May.   Which I am very excited about.  Louise Hay of Hay House and Wayne Dyer offering writing and publishing advice, COME ON!  Not only do I think turning 365 days of Bi Polar into a book would be a good idea but I have “Divorce for Parents” handbook I’ve been working on, “The Sl*t in the Corner Office” about my time on Bay Street, “The Handbook for Ho’s” about taking control of your sexuality, all under way.  I just can’t seem to get back into them.  My head gets all muddled and I stare at them until my eyes get tired and do nothing.  Least this daily blog kind of has to be written, in my mind anyways.  Just finish the year and presto, a book.  Obviously I have to add, edit etc. but there are 5 contests for publishing and I think a “Year in the Life of Cray Cray” could be a best seller.  Not only am I insightful, I am hysterically funny.  Who wouldn’t want to read about my ups, downs, and crazy trains?

 

 

 

This is one of my favorite posting, life affirmation, joke things ever...."occasionally pee on yourself", "lick windows"...GENIUS.  If you do these things we can be besties, just friend me on Facebook.  It's how I make all my friendship dreams come true.

 

So I guess this is it until tomorrow.  Thank you all for your advice and for reading.  See you tomorrow.

 

DBPW Day 59 and counting... *burp*

What do 2 cupcakes and half a tub of ice cream have in common??  An email that made me feel vulnerable.  What better way to fill a void, an unhappy feeling, a hole?  (LOL I said "a hole")  Food fills holes.  Try it, empty a bowl, fill it with food, = full bowl. 

There was nothing in this email that was directly upsetting but it was from two women in my life who have been generally absent for years.  I have seen both of the ladies since my wedding in 2009 maybe twice.  I kind of felt like I had been kicked in the gut getting this email.  Like my airs been taken from me.  Too little too late yet at the same time an overwhelming amount of grief flushed over me.  I want this attention, this love and apparent concern for the past 5 years I have been missing.  I have only ever seen one girl in 5 years, one time so she could ask me about this disease.  She was very concerned I would hurt myself and told me she loved me and wouldn't give up on me.   But that's it, once in 5 years and from the other, nothing, ever, in regards to my illness. 

In all honesty, instead I was judged by both because of my actions in the throws of a low in response to a mutual friend lying about me.  It was all very dramatic but in the end there is evidence that the mutual friend does nothing but put a negative twist on everything between us including about my husband and I.  I have a new sense of loss right now I can't explain.  I just keep crying every time I think that they are FINALLY reaching out to me.  I longed for this when this all started.  I just wanted to be defended, to be taken care of, to be loved.  Now that they are reaching out I am not sure I want anything to do with them anymore.  They've let me down so much over the last few years. 

I get that everyone has full lives at our age.  Kids, jobs, homes, marriages and illnesses, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't drop everything to be there for a friend.  It's who I am, it's what I do.  Lately I feel like my disease is too much a burden, therefore I, am too much of a burden for people I thought very loyal and loving of me.  I feel like my best option is to say no, no visits, no reunions, it's over.  I am not saying this out of bitterness or because they chose to stay close to the other friend but because reuniting the friendship seems like a good way to get myself hurt.

I honestly don't know what to do.  To think I was the person everyone used to come to for everything is a stunning thought these days.  I can't even decide if I want to see two of my longest friends.  Part of me says to see them to make them understand how wicked this disease is.  Part of me says to see them to get them on MY side.  Part of me says to see them because I miss them and miss feeling a part of their lives.  The rest of me says I have enough friends that have proven themselves right here by my side this whole time. 

I gotta go, the pralines and cream ice cream needs finishing.  *tears*

Anyone having an opinion, feel free to share.  I am all about listening.   

DBPW - Day 58 ....in the NOW

 

 

Do you want to know how I survived such Bi Polar lows?  I just exist in them until they are done.  There's nothing more I can do.  I don't see ahead because ahead is blind to me.  When I am that low, there is nothing.  No ahead, no tomorrow, shit I don't see a minute ahead.  I want it over.  I can't lie.  I want it over. 

 

 

Now that said, here I am a week later and you know how I survive today knowing a low could be coming again, I stay in the now.  It's why it's hard for me to take anything on.  Anything other than something that sets my heart on fire.  My husband wants me to do some online University courses. I am thinking about it but then I think, "I don't much care and when that low comes.....let's just stay here in the now".  I am writing to you fine peeps, going to the gym, reading again like I haven't in a long time.  It feels like almost enough, it's not quite enough, I get bored....but how much more, I am not sure of.  As I said, courses are being looked into.

 

 

Staying in the "now" means worrying past it and for me right now, it's all I can do.  I wish I could do more.  And maybe another wedding or something will grab my fancy and I will look forward to it with all the gusto I have in the past.  I have planned 3 weddings before, just for people I love, and just for fun.  I get through them by basically knowing my limits, staying within them, and knowing a low follows the big day.  We all get wedding hangovers, me, the bride, the groom, and uncle drunkard.  Right now all I have is this writing course and a visit I hope to my friend in Arizona right after.  All that matters.  Those are my forward looking things otherwise it's here, and it's now and when you stay here and now, nothing seems too big, too overwhelming. 

 

This is how I know to be the best me.  Stay right here.  It is what it is, while it is, then it isn't is my life's motto.  You can't always do everything about anything or anything about everything.

 

Anyone can do NOW can't they?  I can be the best me RIGHT NOW.