In a face to face social interaction with another human being we have been taught lessons, etiquette if you will, that dictate how we interact. What is polite, rude, hurtful, kind etc? We were taught what is okay and what is not.
Social media is in dire need of a new set of rules for how we choose to interact. We need a new rule book because we do things on social media because of the arm's length nature of it that we would not do otherwise. If we were to be face to face with a person it's doubtful we would say, "I am not going to talk to you, listen to you, or show interest in you generally anymore, but we can still pretend we are friends". Social media has given us the weapons to do that to another human being without any consequences really.
We all have mood swings, we all change our minds. Now social media gives us the tools needed to attach people to these changes. To adapt our social media environment to those shifts. I agree that we should be able to do this, it's our world, we can do what we want with it. I have made a ton of decisions on Facebook that if faced with the person head on, I am not sure I would have done the same. But it's my Facebook damn it, and I am allowed to do what I want, when and where, I want to do it. These are my rights.
But there are consequences for every act. For every choice I make, something happens at the other end of that choice. And we need to remember that.
I had a friend on Facebook that I quite enjoyed. I commented almost daily on their postings, they on mine. It seemed mutual that we were in touch, "like"-ing each other's posts and pictures. It was an almost daily interaction. And one day, it was gone. I was no longer seeing them "like" my pictures or updates I posted. I checked, we were still friends? What was happening? They had unfollowed me. Why? What did I do, say, or post? What did this say about me? Each time I opened Facebook and I saw them comment on someone else's posts it stabbed me in the heart, (or ego, whichever you believe more valid), a little.
I knew then, and I know today, that they did nothing wrong. Deep down, I know I didn't either but it still ate away at me. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. It's a mental illness often derived from trauma that manifests itself in self loathing and emotional dysregulation. Each time I saw this person liking someone else's posts I would obsessively eat away at my own self esteem.
The one positive outcome from all this was realizing that social media is very dangerous for people with mental illness. I limit myself there now and go on in fits and bursts, little binges per say, where I post a ton and then I force myself to walk away and do other things verse getting lost in the reciprocal interactions created by my posts.
I had several choices in this situation to end this self harm. I could stop the behaviour, the thinking and feelings. I could delete this person entirely from my social media. Or I could talk to them. Stopping the behaviour altogether is a work in progress. Just by recognizing what was happening I was well on my way to re-training my brain to do what was best for me and not assault my own being. I felt like just deleting the person was in no way better than what they were doing to me. It felt very grade school, very "you pushed me first". But I also knew that I couldn't ask them to be my friend if they truly weren't interested. I chose to talk to them and explain why I was deleting them. I was not going to do something that might have a negative affect on their self worth without explaining my behaviour first. Yes, I had to protect myself but I didn't have to hurt another in the process. That seemed very hypocritical. Besides that, I did have respect for this person, even admired them. I was determined that I would try to respect them in this process.
It didn't go as well as I had hoped. I explained that my somewhat fragile mind wasn't handling the unfollowing well and that I needed to do some damage control. The only solution I could come up with was removing them from Facebook but I felt the need to explain that versus just doing it without a word. I said multiple times in the message, "you have done nothing wrong".
I think it's auto pilot that when someone's feelings get hurt we feel the need to lay blame. Oddly we don't do enough to avoid hurting others but when they are hurt we automatically prepare to defend ourselves. As much as I tried explain that I knew they didn't do anything wrong they felt the need to defend themselves, at my expense. Blame often masquerades itself as defence. We need to take the burden of blame off ourselves and put it back from where it came. I got a lot of, "I'm sorry.....but you did this to yourself". Think of the abusive spouse, "I wouldn't have hit you if you didn't make me so mad". We don't need to justify our behaviour if it's actually justifiable do we?
I don't quite understand apologies with reasoning unless it's followed by, "but my reasoning does not negate your valid feelings". Go ahead and explain why you did something if you need to but don't make that explanation the excuse for invalidating someone's feelings. Whatever someone feels is valid because they feel it. It's that simple.
Either or, the end result was me crying, a lot. I was depressed then I'd get angry for allowing myself to hurt. I was proud of myself for speaking up then profoundly embarrassed for the same. Then depressed, then angry, then, then, and so on and so forth.
It needs to be said again, they did nothing wrong in the act itself of unfollowing. Perhaps the only thing wrong was not considering how that act could make the receiver feel.
I still maintain that this was a good thing because it made me realize how hurtful social media can be for someone suffering with any form of mental illness. Even simple self worth issues (not to simplify those) can be amplified tenfold by social media.
I feel like arm's length relationships are often more difficult to manage. Just because we are one step removed or less formal in the relationship doesn't mean we don't have to use manners and be respectful of other's feelings does it? If you can't say or do something directly to someone's face, then you shouldn't do it on social media should you? I don't think that an arm's length relationship gives you any more rights to hurt someone than being next to them do you?
You can go online every day and find someone who has done something fierce like respect their own body, mind or soul and there is a line up of people who need to be judgmental of it. It's one thing to have an opinion, to state what you think about something. It's another to apply your thinking as gospel to whatever you speak of. We also need to stop and think, would I have the gumption to say what I am about to say, face to face with them? Because if the answer is no, you really need to shut the hell up and not do what you are about to do.
Don't get me wrong. I have done this. I am not innocent. I have said things I wouldn't say otherwise and it feels cowardly after. I have deleted people in the past without respecting their feelings, just focused only on my own, and I regret it. I have even unfollowed a few people myself and until it happened to me I probably wouldn't have thought otherwise about it. Because of how it's affected me, I have given a ton of thought to all the friendships and followers I have online and how I interact with them and I will continue to do so. Will you?
The whole purpose of this post is to make people aware of the fact that having a computer in front of you rather than an actual person does not mean you don't have to be conscious of the harm you could be inflicting. If you wouldn't do it or say it to a persons face, don't do it or say it to their profile picture. They are behind that picture, feelings and all.
Did I make you think? Sorry about that. Go back to what you were doing.
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