If you don't know anything about me let's start with, I am nuts. I don't think we should throw that kind of word or label out there unless we have been certified as such, and I have. I had a confirmation and everything. Therefore, I can say, "I be coocoo for cocoa puffs". In all seriousness, I do actually have a disease I battle every day but today, I just wanna talk about being me. Not the crazy, she needs help kind of me, just the greatness that is Nicolle and her thoughts. For the record, my thought here is that my name comes up in spellcheck as wrong because it's not Nicole with one L, and that, offends me. Off to the races folks. Put on your seatbelts because a day in my head begins now.
I started my morning off unusually as I had to go to the bank to withdraw a good chunk of cash to pay off my drug dealer....wait no, that's not why. See the other day in a bit of a hissy fit I backed up my car aggressively without looking and backed straight into someone. I needed to get the cash to pay for the damage to their truck. In pulling into the bank I noted they had drive thru banking. I cannot tell you how exciting that is to me. First, I think about how excellent it is that I don't have to get out of my car. Then, I think how sad it is that society has gotten to where they don't even get out of their cars to do banking anymore. Then, I drifted off to which was safer, the bank machine inside the bank doors at 8am or the drive thru. "Which one would ensure I didn't get jacked?", I thought to myself. I just moved back into the big bad city so these things are important to me now. I chose the drive thru. Not just for safety but for the novelty of it. I did however take my side mirror all the way in so that I could get as close as possible to the machine so as not to allow room for the aforementioned "jacking". I giggled my ass off as I pulled up to the window and said, "Can I have fries with that?", to no one.
Maybe now you are concerned about the thoughts in my head? It's okay, I have doctors who are as well.
From the bank I headed into the Loblaws in my new area, it's beautiful. Again, the novelty of a full store with organics everywhere....yeah okay that's a lie, you need to see the fucking bakery in this thing. It's unreal. With menopause, which I also have, in addition to being nuts, I can barely remember my name let alone a grocery list so I went through the store wandering blindly completely fascinated with everything around me including all the women dressed in work out gear, makeup, perfect hair pushing babies in strollers. It's very confusing. I am in track pants, greasy hair in a bun that I made before I went to bed, and my teeth brushed. That's about it. I get in line to check out and then remember the things I actually need and begin running around the store hoping that the ladies with the Lulus and babies take their time getting through the line ahead of me.
Them....
And me......
Please refer to these pictures again when you read where I ended up later in the day.
I went from the fashion show to my "transaction" as my husband likes to call it. To exchange cash for a signed waiver of release which I drew up to protect me from being sued for the rest of my life by the guy I hit the other day. With my car! Not my fist. In a hissy fit resulting in very poor driving skills. There we were in Tim Horton's, (the "scene of the crime"), counting out fifty dollar bills from an unmarked envelope. Suddenly it dawned on me that it probably looked like a drug deal so I announced that to my new friend laughing my head off saying, "imagine if I had to call the husband and tell him I now was arrested?" He thought it was kind of funny I think, but because I burst out with it very randomly, maybe not. I am not sure he appreciated, "Thank you for doing business with us" as I shook his hand goodbye. Sure, of course "sorry again" might have been more appropriate but I like to add humor to all situations.
After my deal was done I needed to head into the city, the downtown core, *shudder*. I live close enough but not right in it. My area is very treed, no sidewalks, quiet. Well it was, until I arrived. The core of hell is not for me but I had to go to the doctor's office and run an errand so off I went. I learned on the way into the city that cab drivers are all assholes. I am sorry if you are one, a cab driver that is, to tell you that you are also an asshole. I know name calling in this day and age is wrong. My passing judgement and labeling, bad. And stereotyping this way? Jesus, people are being arrested for less. But it's a fact. To be a cab driver I think you need to get the big A class driver's license.
After my family doctor detached me from the ceiling and gave me a lecture on the breathing and meditation skills required to live in the city, I punched her in the face and ..... no no, I didn't. I thanked her, gave her a hug and asked her to, "pray for me" and left. She looks at me funny, just like the guy earlier in Tim Horton's did, when I do stuff like that. I am not sure if they just don't realize how funny I am or if they are just that worried about my health. From there I walked, like on the streets, amongst the masses over to William Ashley. Now picture it, I am still very much in my track pants, hair in the bun from 14 hours ago, no makeup and now, I could use another tooth brushing I am sure. And I am in William Ashley. Surrounded by beautiful delicate things, including but not limited to the china. The rest were women registering to get married in their, you guess it, Lulus. I walked in, straight to a salesperson and announced, "I have been carrying these two hundred dollar gift coins in my purse since 2009 and while I am confident there is nothing in here for that much, someone must have thought there was because they gave them to me as a wedding gift. I would like to spend them, now, on anything. Show me what is less that two hundred dollars please". Within about five minutes I had picked out two crystal Christmas trees that are lovely but stupidly useless trinkets that I will probably break in a week. (Note: I have already dropped the boxes they came in). The total? $163. The balance, "I can put on a gift card for you".
Fucking hell, really? I want a $37 gift card to a store that just sold me two fucking glass trinkets for almost two hundred dollars? What am I buying with that? Air time? I miraculously kept all that inside my head and simply said, "Thank you but no. Could I donate it to a charity, do you do that?" Ohhhhhffff course you don't. Because rich people, who spend thousands on glass ashtrays don't give away their money, it's why they are rich. Again, I kept that inside my head. I said simply, "let's please find anything, that will use up the balance". After showing me 27 candle (sorry, correction,"votive") holders I spotted a snow globe for thirty dollars too much and said, "that, that silly thing will do. My step daughter will like it. It will make her smile". I escorted my now very overworked salesperson to the cash register, which in these stores is actually just a computer that holds no cash. My mistake, I gave her a twenty dollar bill for the balance owing. I now needed to wait for her to go into the back room, the dark place, where they kept the actual cash for deadbeats like me that use that garbage called actual money. I shit you not it took ten minutes for her to find twenty cents and my receipt. I received both with a thank you and then realized I had no fucking idea how to get out of the store. We had wandered around so much trying to spend my money that I was all backwards. And that, made me snap. "Can you please help get me the hell out of here?" That line, actually came out of my mouth. She pointed me in the right direction while distinctly giving me that look of, "well I never". That's right lady and you will never again because I will be dead before I am in that store again. And dead people don't shop much.
$219.80!
Now I had to drive home from downtown, at 3pm. The start of traffic in the city. I considered buying alcohol but then remembered the whole mother's who don't like that sort of thing. UGH. (Fuck please don't shoot me for trying to be funny using something very serious).
The things I learned on the way home were wonderful life lessons. First lesson, if you are stuck blocking a crosswalk in your car and you try to move over a lane to unblock yourself, someone WILL speed up from the other side of the light to take up the spot you are trying to use to stop blocking the flow of humans. Because I have a, "I will go anyways" policy, that didn't end well. Least this time it didn't cost me anything but a lot of honking and dirty looks. I also learned that while half the population waits in line for the highway, the other half of the population will race up the outside lane and then throw on their blinker last minute to cut into the waiting line you have been sitting very patiently in. And further, they will think we don't realize they knew exactly what they were doing. Not only do I know what you just did, I am also NOT falling for it. Therefore, I am not letting you in. Under any circumstances. I would rather scrape down the sides of both our vehicles than let you in for that behavior. See my earlier transaction at Tim Horton's if you need help believing that. I will not reward you. That's not how you train stupid.
When I got home to my pretty house on my quiet street I could only stop and think, "maybe this whole city thing wasn't the best idea?"
How was your day?
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