Golden Globes 2015 My Review - Because you asked

I just want it made perfectly clear that I watched the Golden Globes and wrote most of this with crumbs of a long devoured plate of Chelsea Buns and a bag of potato chips all over my favorite ripped and patched track pants.  It should be further noted that the crumbs that were not on my pants, were in my bra.  My hair was piled atop my head.  Done, much like the up do's you will see below, without the use of a mirror (or in my case, a stylist).  I had my fancy shoes on.  Faux sheep skin lined Croc slippers.  In other words, obviously, I am an expert.  That will hold up in court. 

These are in no particular order. 

 

Where is she?  She was just there.  Started to turn and....poof.....

 

 

One fucking sandwich.  It's all I ask.

 

 

While he is 50 shades of boring, she is delightful.  Really like this silly dress for some reason.  I just wish the shoes weren't so "sandal" like.  Girl coulda' fancied that shit up.

 

 

...almost fit.  Missed it by "that" much.

 

 

They're creepy and they're kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,

*snap snap*

 

 

Gorgeous for a banana peel.  I heard Kathy Bates tripped on her. 

 

 

Love her.  Love this.  Love her husband the most. (Krasinski)

 

 

Way to match those big blue eyes big eyes.

 

 

Cut, nailed it.  Fabric, lame....get it.  Lame, lamé. (Accent aigu, tricky little devil).



 

She crushes this shit she does.  Pacey is one lucky man.

 

 

A lot of worst dressed lists have her on it.  Not I.  I have her on my, "I have Barbie arms" list.

 



 

I have this exact belt.  Bought it at Target.  

 

She's lovely.  Brocade is as well.  On curtains. 

 

 

At the last minute we realized she had hips, insert panels here. 

 

 

If you're beautiful and you know it, clap your hands.

 

 

I just think "breast feeding".  I don't know why.

 

 

I am a diva, and I know I am.  Sophia Loren called to thank you, she was tired.

Jeremy Renner spoke of her "golden globes" on live TV.  *snort*

 

 

She said, "it took 30 people to make this dress".  Wonder how many it will take to burn it?

  

 

One gust of wind and she will give you a peek of her peekachoo.  

 

 

My Orville Redenbacher, "OMG it's a bag, he made a bag!" popcorn looks exactly like this!

 

 

"It's Valentino"..... oh and "a bad idea".

 

Love her.  Hate this.  Blouse is great.  Cut of the skirt at the waist, awesome.  The ruffles, no.  The sparkly wrap made into a tie, no.  There is an obvious need for more designers willing to go big(ger).  It's shameful.  More of us actually eat sandwiches.   She's famous.  You would sell a ton of clothes to all the women of the world, not starving themselves.

  

 

Pretty perfect.  She's done this before.

 

 

I guess they do call it "dress up".  Not sure you have to wear everything you own (see flower in the ear, belt, earrings, purse, 17 bracelets.....)

 

 

You could share the sandwich.  Baby steps?

 

 

Best accessory of the night.  

 

 

Actually hers wasn't bad either.  My cousin said, "ugly gloves, ill fitting, horrible".  I said, "she's 87 pounds, they don't sell gloves in the Dior kids section.  North West hasn't wanted any yet". 

 

 

Horse tails are only accessories when braided on a horse.

 

 

I love the halter.  I love the fit of the entire dress.  I like the hair change.  Black, snore.  Cumberbatch... amazing.  Cumberbund.....awful.

 

 

Colour on this beauty, stunning.  The bathing cap ruffled top, not so much.

 

 

I AM Cindy Crawford. The Original Super Model.  From the 80s.  See this is my dress, from the 80s. 

  

 

That's right, JLo who?

  

 

One of my favorite outfits of the night.  Big bow on her ass like she's a giant present.  Which she is if you ask me.  Watch Birdman. 

 

 

Resting bitch face, fail.  How to highlight your fillers 101?

 

My Barbie Arms got straightened. 

 

 

 

Pretty sure NO ONE will ever age this well again, work done or not.  Not meaning it was done but we don't speak of it often.

 

 

I don't know why everyone hates on her.  Only thing I hate about her is the name of website/company. 

 

 

Can't find a clearer picture but you get the gist.  Finally an outfit I can get my head around girl.

 

Highlights:

 

Jeremy Renner did indeed refer to JLo's "golden globes" when she offered to open the envelope as she has nails.....enter Renner with, "you have the globes too".  BAHAHA  She mutters something to him after that off camera.  I am sure it was, "I am going to cut you". 

 

 

Oh no you di'ant.

 

Meryl (first name basis ya'll) takes a picture with Margaret Cho doing her best Kim Jong-Uhhnnnn. 

(yes aware).

 

 

Talk about character actors.  (Meryl's smile could be interpreted as great acting or totally racist, up to you really).

 

George Clooney arrives with new wife. 

George Clooney speech includes adoration of wife.

Women swoon all over the planet.

Publicist yells in front of TV at home, "nailed it bitch".

 

Tina and Amy kill it.  Wish there was more of them, and less of, "I want to thank my agent, oh and god". 

 

They opened the Globes with a hell of a monologue.  See the link below.  It was great.  Especially the Clooney part.  Hilarious.

 

GG 2015 Opening Monologue

 

Loved it.  Start to finish.  "Cake is a fluffy, sugary dessert". 

 

 

......"and Sleeping Beauty thought she was just getting coffee with Bill Cosby".

 

Oh they did, and rightly so.  Perhaps you thought it inappropriate to joke about rape (see Jessica Chastain's face in the inset picture).  I didn't see it that way.  I saw it as two women, two intelligent, fierce women, calling out a man for behaviour unacceptable in any time.  Now or otherwise.  Largely unchallenged, definitely unpunished.  They were putting the Network (once a voiced supporter of Cosby's) and Hollywood on notice that Hollywood is ridiculous in it's acceptance of these acts.  Ridiculous in any support of Cosby.  And they did it the only way they know how, by making fun him.  Making HIM the joke.  Because he is.  A pathetic joke of a man.



 

Rickey Gervais....just makes me laugh when he giggles.  It's hysterical.  I wish I could post the link of his part but the sound quality is poor.  When he goes on about watching John Travolta mess up Idina Menzel's name at the Oscars last year, and how, "I still watch it on YouTube, every day, it's brilliant isn't it?".....good stuff. 

 

In case you missed it because you only just moved out from under your rock. 

 

Whoopsie.

 

50 Shades of Grey actors presented together with about as much chemisty as I have with liver and onions.

 

The President of the Foreign Press got a standing ovation when saying,

 

"The freedom of artistic expression...is a beacon across the globe...We stand united everywhere from North Korea to Paris". 

 

These Globes followed the most amazing rallies across the world in support and solidarity, of and with, freedom of speech and global unity against terrorism.  It was beautiful.  Here are just a few shots of the awe inspiring movement for peace. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It should be said, this was the largest rally in the history of France, Paris and perhaps the world.  And it was, for all intensive purposes, entirely violence free.  A peaceful rally in response to violent acts.  Stunning.  And something we should hold onto, for like, a really long time.  *sniff*

 

And finally, one of my favorite speeches of the night comes from all places, a hip hop star.....here is the part of Common's (actor Lonnie Rashid Lynn, Jr) speech that really touched me.....

 

"I AM the hopeful black woman who was denied her right to vote.

I AM the caring white supporter killed on the front lines of freedom.

I AM the unarmed black kid, who maybe needed a hand but received a bullet instead.

I AM the two fallen police officers, murdered in the line of duty.

Selma has awakened my humanity".

 

 

I have been struggling with my humanity as of late with all the bad things in the world and the debates that have ensued.  Perhaps I've been looking in the wrong language. 

 

Je Suis Charlie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 



2015 Resolutions - I got this shit!

I will continue to work each and every minute of each and every day.  Trying to stay as positive as possible.  (If staying positive means yelling at strangers in fits of road rage, so be it.  I am not perfect). 

 

I will not hide my head in the sand about life.  About the reality that is life.  (The Kardashians are going nowhere, that's reality).

 

I will not pretend things are alright when they are not.  I will just accept them as not alright and work on a solution.  (I will yell when I need to.  But I will not throw stuff anymore.  I will wear my big girl pants instead). 

 

I will not sweat the small stuff.  (I have hot flashes, I sweat enough).

 

I will not whine when things are not alright.  (I will yell.  I already promised, see points above). 

 

I will take ownership for my own shit.  I will see the shit.  I will address the shit.  I will adjust my thinking about the shit.  And I will move on from the shit.  (That's me flushing life's big ol' toilet).  

 

I will not try to adjust my body to fit others ideas of perfection.  I will adjust my thinking to alter their misconceptions.  (Yep, I am confused too).

 

I will not blame those around me for my negative thoughts.  (It's my head.  There isn't room for your stuff in here.  The UHaul is rented, time to go).

 

I will be as healthy as happy can bring me.  And as happy as healthy can bring me. ( Nope, I didn't understand it either). 

 

I will not obsess.  (Really, I won't.  No seriously, I won't.  Are you listening?  I will not do it.  No really, I won't.  Maybe I will.  No, wait. I won't). 

 

I will not try to stop the aging process.  I will laugh until the laugh lines are as deep as the ocean.  (And when that happens I will research the effects of Botox thoroughly). 

 

I will try to dance in the rain at least once.  (Sober). 

 

And if all else fails.....

 

 

I will give it a go.  Will you?

 

 

 

And last, but certainly not least.  I promise to put this cartoon on my desktop screen to remind myself to lie on my back in the grass and pretend I am flying.   (Again, soberly).

 

 

Happy New Year everyone. 

2014 was a bitch.  I am going to make 2015 ma' bitch.  Thanks for reading.  Thanks for being a friend. 

Just, awwww shucks, *kicks at floor shyly*....thanks.


P.S.  In honour of two friends.  I will believe in Unicorns in 2015.   

A Christmas Gift

When my in laws arrived on Christmas morning I could tell they were surprised.  I was dressed nicely.   I had this paste stuff on my face called makeup.  My hair was blown out in a style some might call a, “hair style”.  And there was a twinkly light in my eye that said, “how do ya’ like me now?”  I was different. 

I hadn’t seen my in laws, whom I love, since perhaps Easter.  I am pretty good at hiding shit so I was there, in theory, that weekend in the spring but I was not this Christmas girl.  I had been withdrawn, short tempered, no makeup, hair pulled back in some kind of “get out of my face you waste of time” hair restrainer, and I didn’t smile genuinely. 

I smile genuinely now. 

The last time I spent significant time with my in laws was a year and a half ago when we spent a week together at a rented cottage on Lake Michigan with friends and other family as well.  Typically we spend a night or two with our in laws.  I think that’s pretty common.  In Michigan it was a week.  They got to see me struggle.  I can only pretend for so long that everything is okay, when in fact, it was not okay.  And that week I struggled.  I couldn’t go out to dinner one evening, choosing instead to cry in bed.  I was short tempered with everyone, choosing instead to snap than listen and understand.  I didn’t sleep.  They noticed. 

I had no genuine smile.  There was one plastered on my face.  It was far from real.

I was battling a long drawn out depressive state.  Whether driven by the Bi Polar disorder or the Borderline Personality traits piling up around me.  I was not well.  As some of you may know, my Bi Polar is not a forgone conclusion.  I may not be, but the medication is working and you don’t mess with a good thing.  I have my Highs and Lows like everyone else now, they are reasonable.  Perhaps it was the Borderline.  Years of personality traits built up around me to defend my inner child.  None of them reasonable traits in reasonable situations.  Who knows?  What do we know now?  I was falling apart.  And it had taken years to get there.  After years of struggling finally a doctor paid attention but unfortunately he was too busy to notice the fact the medication he prescribed has the worst side effect there is.  I became suicidal.  And I fought it hard.  I had suicidal thoughts, every minute of every day for 7 straight months.  In June of 2014 I couldn’t take it anymore and I tried to take my own life.  That started a cycle of healing through learning that was the hardest, most phenomenal time of my life.  First there was the brief hospital stay.  It was during this time those closest to me gathered.  They finally saw what I had been desperately trying to hide.  I was losing the battle to mental illness.  They decided I would go into a long term program and get the care I needed.  That led me to a wonderful hospital where I would spend 60 days learning to find my genuine smile again.

 

...and sometimes you need help climbing up that first step.

 

And that led me to greet two very grateful in laws at my door on Christmas Day.  Per my mother in law, “This girl in front of me is the greatest Christmas gift I could ask for.  For you and my son.” 

Had I known I would never had lined up for that jacket I bought her for Christmas.  *laugh*

Sometimes the journey seems endless.  Seems unforgiving.  Seems unbearable.  Then you see your face in the mirror in front of you and you know you are a better person having taken that journey.

 

Wait 'til you meet her.  You're gonna love her!

 

 

I'm sorry, what now?

"During the course of her admission, it became clear to the clinical treatment team that she was suffering from a Borderline Personality Disorder, (BPD).  Her presentation was quite unusual, probably due to the fact that she has numerous protective factors, including a remarkably high intelligence.  As a result, the phenomenology of her BPD presents in a rather unique way.  Nicolle experiences frequent periods of emotional dysregulation, frequently triggered by situations which she interprets as abandonment, loss or rejection.  Her behaviours associated with desperate attempts to escape this experience have in the past included: binge eating, sex, drugs and alcohol, tasks which were totally consuming including her previous career, and anger bordering on rage".


Well that just about sums me up doesn't it?


I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  Damn it.  Because Bi Polar wasn't enough?  


Most people suffer from BPD in some form or another.  If there has been any trauma at all in a person's life, most likely there is some BPD at play.  For example; a person of adoption can disassociate from love, not trusting it, as they feel a deep sense of being unloved/unlovable, having been "given away".  A woman who has been raped will most likely disassociate during sex.  And most definitely these women will find themselves responding unusually to certain scents, hair colour, even the race of a man based solely on their negative experience in the past.  Children of divorce believe in their hearts that parents, people who are supposed to love them, leave.  An abused woman will have a hyper vigilant reaction to perceived threats to her safety.  She will either fight disproportionately or flight at the perception of the threat, before it is even present.  These are all forms of Borderline Personality Disorder.  They can be small, minuscule changes you have made to adapt to your current environment or large changes to disassociate from the same.  In almost all cases, we never know we have BPD, we just know what we don't like or what makes us insecure, makes us feel threatened.  We don't realize we have re-conditioned ourselves to protect ourselves from pain.  Our brain will do anything not to experience pain.  And once it has, the brain will do whatever it can to avoid the same type of pain again.


This had been mentioned to me before and I didn’t really listen to it.  It freaked me out a bit to hear those words.  No one wants to hear they are THAT crazy ( we can say "crazy" having been in a Mental Institution, we (the patients) decided that in there).  Automatically a person thinks that there are multiple personalities at play.  But like I said, it’s not actually that.  You don't call out "Nicolle" and I turn a blank face because at the moment my name is "Sybil".  Borderline means a person that has personality traits they’ve created to deal with stress, trauma, pain etc.  I learned a lot more about this during my two month stay and it’s definitely me.  It all makes sense now.  Even some of the highs and lows and matching them to circumstance, the environment I was in at the time, makes more sense in some cases than even the Bi Polar does.  I developed traits over time, defences, reactions and behaviours that happen automatically.  They are how I behave when events trigger feelings related to my childhood.  I don't even realize it sometimes.  That I am back there, as a child.  I simply have automatic thoughts based on a warped core belief system I developed as a broken child.  Then I behave accordingly.  They are typically damaging behaviours, unhealthy. 


To see this in action, all you have to do is hurt my feelings.  Do something that might make me think I am less than important, and then sit back and watch me explode in rage, sometimes an almost uncontrollable rage.  It’s not a normal reaction to the current situation but in fact my reaction to my past.  Therefore most of the time the current situation is almost forgotten and my reaction totally out of proportion to the now.  It's because I am not there, not present in the now at all.  This controls me, a lot.  If I feel insecure, I feel rage or shut off completely.  I feel nothing.  I am cold, ice cold.  My husband says it’s like I am turned right off, that I feel nothing.  And in fact that’s true.  When I feel exposed I can turn off so much that I don’t care about anything.  And other times, if I feel vulnerable to potential pain, I can become bigger than life, very aggressive.    There’s a million more of these traits but the result of this hospital stay was, I am now aware of all this. 


Borderline Personality Disorder is totally curable.  I can actually be cured from BPD, I just have to do a lot of work.  I have to stop and think about my reaction and whether it’s “normal”, proportionate or not.  Is my reaction related to the current issue or the past?  Is it based on my warped core belief system, or healthy? 
 

It was something to really see this at play in the hospital when a few patients came in with anger management, aggression, issues.  I felt threatened, even though nothing was directed at me.  I became very manic, and very aggressive.  I had serious game but it was very angry game.  In a class on problem solving I said, “punch them in the face” as my response to how to solve a problem.  I felt very out of control with my responses but they just kept coming, like I said before, uncontrollably.  Don’t get me wrong, the class was in hysterics but I was out of control.  Then, within an hour of the class, I got called into an emergency appointment with the doctor, my nurse, and the occupational therapist asking if I was okay.  I realized that I was feeling really vulnerable due to the expensive therapy into my childhood and these new patients.  Both left me feeling exposed so I was being aggressive in response.   Like a dog showing its hackles, I got bigger than life in response to potential harm.  I was in threatened physically as a child, I felt scared as a child.  Damned if I was going to be scared as an adult.  HELLS TO THE NO!

I have been referred to multiple (no pun intended) Doctors that specialize in BPD and a therapy called Dialectual Behaviour Therapy.  It’s basically having to rewire your brain from its auto pilot.  We, or I, auto pilot to the past. I need to turn this off and be present.  To have more current and realistic behaviours based on the now.  I did some CBT in the hospital (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) and I really enjoyed it.  I liked the teachings but even more, I really learned a lot about myself and my auto thinking.  My auto thinking is very self deprecating, very self loathing, and very much based on my childhood where I deemed myself unlovable.  When my father left abruptly and my Mom then checked out mentally I determined not only was it my fault but that I was unlovable therefore this is what happened(s) to me.  Because of who I am, people leave.  My own parents didn't know how to love me, didn’t appreciate me, or value me.  And of course if THEY don’t, then why should I?  So I have a lot of work left to do.  But I am working on it now.  I have been since about weekend 4 of 8 in the hospital.  I quickly realized my auto thinking and feelings are warped and need work.  Work I can and am willing to do.

BPD comes from trauma and as much as we’d like to deny it or say, “get on with it”, “get over it”, a person has to go back and look at their childhood and see where their being may have been altered.  Where normal patterns of growth and development might have been adjusted incorrectly, not appropriately.  Did you know that from the ages of 12-18 a person does more brain development and growth than in all the other years combined that they are alive?  When I was 12 my father left suddenly and abruptly, and was gone for years.  He was my best friend.  I lost my protector, and hero.  And then my Mom neglected and abused me in his absence.  It’s just a fact.  I don't need to emotionally reinvest in that time, it is what it is.  It happened, I cannot change it, accept it I must.  As much as my father appears now when needed, (as he inevitably always does), it will never fix the damaged little girl inside me.  Only I CAN do that.  I have to reassure her and fix her.  Then add to that the mess I lived in with my Mom, the anger, neglect and abuse that was our relationship, and I basically turned off as a child.  I did what I needed to do to survive but I have never stopped “surviving” versus living.  Don’t get me wrong, I have had happy times.  Times where I let go of the past and live in the moment but it doesn't take much to push me back to my old ways.

Even at the high point in my career on Bay Street (Canada's version of Wall Street) I was only "surviving" in that environment.  That high pressure, chaotic environment where everything was unknown fed my need to survive the most.  It was kill or be killed on that trading floor so I shone in there.   I got bigger than life.  Problem solving is my forte, add that to the chaos and if I could fix things then I must have value.  Then they never valued me enough, not financially, not equally, and not with appreciation.  They valued me as much as I valued myself.  It was the perfect toxic relationship for me.  I was feeding my worst insecurities until I exploded.  Suddenly amidst an argument with a co-worker I flashed to a fight with my Mother when I was kid living alone with her.  I started having flashes all the time.  In the shower, on the subway, in my sleep (or lack there of).  I could no longer tolerate stress, the problem solving, the lack of appreciation, it ate away at me until I exploded.  Imploded is more like it.  I will have to be forever cautious going forward that I am doing something that feeds my secure self not my ego or superficial worth. 


Because BPD is almost always brought on by trauma.  We need to define "trauma".  Trauma is stress like situations that are not normal everyday situations. Not normal stressors.  Not the "every day".  Accidents, crime, deaths, abuse of any kind, are all traumas.  Think of the people and families left behind after 9/11.  They all suffer from trauma.  Extreme trauma.  Many of them probably can barely make it through September 11th every year.  A lot of time people who deem their lives at some point so laden with stress block their memories.  Sometimes they filter and block only the bad.  Sometimes the good goes with the bad.  I do not have solid memories of my entire childhood and many years after.  That time period was of such high stress my brain stopped working properly for memory storage.  My brain doesn’t know exactly when to store something so in emotional situations, it barely stores anything.  I can remember an entire book I read but if you insert any emotional response in me I remember NOTHING.  Honest to shit, I remember almost nothing at my Mother's house but weird flashes of bad stuff.  Really bad stuff.  Not how a kid should grow up.  Insert “survival” techniques here.   

Now add in the fact I have a really high intelligence.  My brain barely, if ever, slows down.  I have a practical photographic memory for things I’ve read (things of an unemotional nature).  I remember client phone numbers and accounts from 1989.  I have empathy that’s unrivaled.  I cannot walk past someone in pain and not only help them, but I feel their pain.  I am extremely hyper vigilant.  So much so that I see and hear everything around me.  I am hyper sensitive to all.  Let's summarize shall we.  I am very smart.  My brain is always firing, thinking of a response or comment to all the things I hear.  My hearing is so great that I cannot bring in normal clocks around the house and the clicking sound of the hands will compete with all other sounds.  I can remember anything I have read or written, unless I had an emotional response to it, then it's completely blank.  I feel everyones pain around me and want to help, obsessively so.  I do not miss anything.  I see and hear everything.  If you ask me what someone was wearing from a day ago I can tell you, unless, I felt an emotional pull, then there's nothing.  If that person needed me or was in pain, I will feel it all.  I just might not remember it.  Doesn't that sound fun?  The doctor at the hospital was surprised I made it this long without more serious self harm.

Whew, that was a mouthful.  I am tired now.  I think this writing deserves a nap, don't you? 

 

So how about you?  Got any abnormal reactions and behaviours to normal situations that seem out of proportion?  Come on, the line up begins right behind me.  I will make cookies.